Lady P - February 2021 - HQ
Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!
I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.
Greetings my ravishing readers and welcome to a slightly different column by me for the foreseeable...
After talking to those gorgeous gals at HQ, we came to the rather sad, yet entirely realistic decision that travel and jet setting of any description is off limits indefinitely. My tender heart and spirits immediately plummeted, making one highly skittish, and one (incorrectly) jumped to the conclusion that one was being handed her P45, which led to a mini panic attack, swiftly followed by quite the hissy fit... It was all so highly embarrassing; thankfully those darling gals finally managed to calm me down, and went on to explain that I was to be given carte blanche with the column, as they felt I was such an asset to the magazine.
I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful that delightful compliment made me feel… lifted my lockdown spirits almost as much as a glass of fizz while doing some serious retail therapy! After composing myself, the rest of my day was spent deep in thought, racking one’s brain, deciding how best to serve one’s beloved readers.
After mulling over a cornucopia of ideas, fortified by a steady flow of fizz to help keep the creative juices flowing, one had that eureka moment! Now I know how much you love to read about the continuing car crash that is my love life, or lack of at the moment, so that is what one is going to focus on. Who says you can’t mix business with pleasure?!
A few phone calls to my inner circle about the best way to approach dating during lockdown was met with a resounding chorus of “join a dating website, but make sure it’s a posh one - you don’t want to end up with a total neanderthal or some impoverished creative type who’s in hospitality waiting for his big break!” A tad harsh I thought, but one does see their point. I do have a reputation to uphold and a certain standard of living to maintain and one is not quite ready to give up that lifestyle just yet. I find it difficult enough when Daddy puts a freeze on my credit card, which has only just been lifted after my excesses over Christmas!
At first one was a little concerned as the horror stories doing the rounds on social media are so scary, making a life as a spinster far more desirable. Unfortunately, that is not an option unless I want Mummy and Daddy to be ousted from the family home and put into a state-funded care home, while I make merry with our inheritance and trust funds! Mummy would never forgive me, and as for Daddy, well - what with his vicious temper and potty mouth, he’d probably have an(other) epic screaming fit which would result in either a heart attack, or him being locked up to protect himself and others!
Anyway, I digress…
There are so many dating sites out there that this project took a lot of time and effort to research; after a lot of soul searching and being true to myself, I decided to plump for the exclusive TSB - not the bank my darlings, but a dating site which is the crème de la crème of dating sites. Once you have applied, that application is pored over by an anonymous committee who decide whether you have the right credentials to be allowed into the inner sanctum of their exclusive members’ club; and YES my darlings, one was accepted!!
Now I have absolutely no idea what TSB stands for, however I like to think it stands for Titled, Successful & Beautiful, but I keep that fun little ditty to myself just in case one gets sued for defamation, slander or TradeMark infringement or whatever they call it - you have to be so careful these days.
To celebrate and (not so humble) brag to one’s friends, I set up a Zoom party so that my glossy posse and chap chums could help me build my dating profile and pick out a photo which showed me and my assets off in the best possible light. This took a lot longer than I had imagined as one had so many photos to choose from, with everyone having differing opinions as to how I should best present myself.
Should I offer potential suitors an image of me in ‘full on glamour’ mode, complete with ball gown and tiara as befits my title, or do I go for the ‘au natural’, girl next door look?
‘Rugger Bugger’ Tim suggested I go full on Britney Spears in ‘Baby One More Time’ which sounded promising until Google unearthed a bright-eyed Britney in pigtails and school uniform. I politely reminded Tim that I was on TSB Dating and not Pimps Pervs & Prowlers R Us! If Tim was a true friend and serious about helping me in my quest, he’d set me up with one of his many hunky chums he has a Zoom beer with, while they’re watching the Six Nations! Pffft!
In the end, after much discussion and debate, I settled on the profile picture used for my column, which shows me as a fun loving but serious business woman...perfect. My profile and I are a work in progress, so there’s plenty of time and opportunity to tweak away. But the top priority is to ‘get out there’!
Once my membership had been activated, one was under starters orders to get ready, set and then……...go! It was like being a kid let loose in a candy store. All these gorgeous specimens, ready for my perusal and approval.
I spent the entire afternoon curled up in Daddys comfy wingback chair, in front of a roaring fire, nursing a large glass of cognac, whilst leisurely scrolling through a delicious conveyor belt of male morsels and mortals, waiting for me to say yay or nay to. I’m delighted to say that there were a lot more yays, exceeding my modest expectations and wildest dreams (say nothing!); AND my inbox has gone into TOTAL overdrive.
My trusty and loyal maid Maria has had to double up as my administrative assistant, helping me to sift through all the possible candidates, by placing them into three categories:
2. If all else fails
3. Not in a million years
So my ravishing readers this is where we must temporarily part, as one has an awful lot of organising, sifting, and dating to do before I report back next month.
**Note to Team Heaven gals ** well who knows where we’ll be or what the next government announcement will say about lockdown?! Like so many, my horizons have shrunk dramatically. At the moment, I’d be MORE than content to catch up with a gal pal over an ice cream and a packet of pistachios outside the local Post Office/mini market/animal feed store.
In the meantime, I’m going to ask Mummy to dust off and erect the marquee - the days are getting lighter and longer. So if we are allowed to meet up again with chums al fresco, chez Dita will be ready to hit the ground running and be the hostess with the mostest. And who knows? I may even have a handsome chap on my arm to show off, by the time the clocks go forward next month. A gal can dream. Tho something tells me I may finally meet my true prince - ginger-ness desirable, NOT essential!! Wish me luck darlings - mwah xx
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