Just as a horoscope is a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth - and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at emmaheaven.com have decided to consult with the Fashion gods (yes they do really exist) to see what fashion and beauty looks are essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘fashionscope’ may result in us calling the fashion police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the mick out of yourself and your wardrobe!
Fashion and beauty should be fun - life’s way too short, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
Keep your mouth shut, or it could land you in hot water. Tensions are running high in your household and there is nowhere to go if all hell breaks loose because somebody stole the last chocolate brownie - getting hold of unicorn droppings would be easier than getting hold of flour and yeast!!! Breathe duckie...breathe. Count to 10, then take yourself off to your happy place, your sanctuary - your bedroom/dressing room - put on a rocking outfit, a little bit of lippy and some fabulous costume jewellery - the more bling the better...as it shimmers and shines, so will your mood, because when you look fabulous, you feel fabulous. Now about that flour… #CakeMadeMeDoIt
Attention seeking much? GUILTY!!! Of course you’re looking for attention. With contact between you and the outside world being very limited, you have to think up cunning ideas of how you can parade around social media in your latest and greatest outfits, looking fabulous without being seen as a total narcissist! Good luck with that one sweetie because - BULLSH*T ALERTS are already operational for the insufferably fake and boring showoffs who continue to infest our news feeds whilst jumping on any bandwagon they can in order to remain revered or relevant. It’s time to go cold turkey and step away from the Wi-Fi, only returning when you realise how NOT to irritate the crap out of your internet community. Less is more! And silence is golden! #NobodyLikesAShowoff
Lockdown has taught you some tough lessons. You, and only you, are responsible for your diet, wardrobe choices and entertainment. NOBODY forced the 5th cupcake down your throat and made you eat every last crumb, lick your fingers AND lick the mixing bowl and whisks! NOBODY encouraged you to spend your days in shapeless t-shirts and leggings that, quite frankly duckie, have seen better days. Even the dog’s blanket is looking fresher and better groomed... And NOBODY suggested that your time was best spent watching so much TV that your electricity meter is about to combust with all the energy zapping through it! Sweetie, it’s time to put down the cakes, step away from the TV and for the love of fashion, PLEASE wear something a little more flattering! You could try wearing something with a zip, rather than an elasticated waistband, at least once a week. You can thank us later! #KillOffYourInnerSlob
You may be considering a major NEW commitment, but beware, these are unprecedented times and now might not be the best time to make life changing decisions - especially when your wellbeing is being tested to the limit. PLEASE wait until life resumes to normal and then revisit whether you think it’s a good time to turn goth, punk, emo, or whatever dramatic image change has entered that bonkers mind of yours! There’s no need to go ‘full on Britney’ with the hair clippers, or experiment with a neon blue mohican cut. Reality will come back to bite you on the backside and hindsight is a wonderful thing, so do yourself a favour and just play dress up with wigs, makeup and costumes in the privacy of your own home. At least you can take them off, laugh it off and nobody will be any the wiser. #FoolsRushIn
Utilize your time efficiently. If you’re going to declutter your life, break it down into manageable projects with lots of time put aside to rehydrate and replenish your body. We recommend having a stash of healthy treats on hand as mindless grazing on sugar laden goodies will lead to extra, unwanted pounds on your already struggling body - particularly your once toned midriff and shapely derriere. Don’t just let your skinny jeans hang there as a sad reminder of your once svelte self. Use THEM as your inspiration for that hot post lockdown body which you’re hopefully going to revisit soon. Put the champers on ice duckie - you and your pre-lockdown body will meet again, some sunny day. #VeraLynnAnthem
It’s time to take back control of your life which, quite frankly, has gone a bit pear shaped over the last month or so - come to mention it duckie, so has your body from the waist down; and if you’re not careful and don’t reign in the ‘fill your face with anything and everything’ comfort eating pretty sharpish, then to be honest you run the risk of looking down and not being able to see your feet anymore! That is HUGELY problematic for a fashionista who has a shoe collection to rival Imelda Marcos and a centipede’s and can no longer see how fabulous her feet look in the latest shoe trends - or more importantly, does the nail polish match the gorgeous peep hole shoes she intends to wear. #FootFetish
You long to shout at the top of your voice to be let out - but exactly where are you going to go sweetie? You can kiss goodbye to life as it was pre-lockdown. There’ll be no parties anytime soon. In fact the best you can hope for is a street party where you and your neighbours get dressed in your best and party in your own garden with your own plonk! Look on the bright side though - at least you get to dress up, put on a little bit of slap and dance around your handbag once more; and when you inevitably end up inebriated - you only have to crawl a few yards, back into the safety of your own home. Think of the money you’re saving on cab fares too! #TheCrawlOfShame
You’ve taken your planning skills to a whole new level little Miss Organised. Well done you! Your home is running with military precision and even though life feels very strange at this time, you have risen to the challenge with aplomb. Meals are prepped, the household has a cleaning rota to follow, and you are pressed and dressed in your best every day as you can’t possibly let the fashionista side down. NO lounge suits for you duckie. You’re a professional through and through, and a daily uniform is always required in order for you to fully function. Now if only your nearest and dearest were more cooperative when it’s time for the daily drills and room inspections?! #YesSergeantMajor
One thing you’ve discovered during lockdown - you’re the leader of the pack without a shadow of a doubt. You’re the hunter gatherer, the entertainer, the one people turn to in their hour of need and most importantly - the greatest cocktail mixer known to man. Your ‘happy hours’ are the stuff of legend and are fast turning into the most important time of the day - so much so that your attendees are now clock watching. You should capitalise on this situation and unleash your inner entrepreneur - enforce a fabulous dress code but not a dreadful fancy dress debacle (a fashionista's worst nightmare!), and start charging pronto. Your Quarantini Martinis are the talk of the neighbourhood. Please mix and quaff responsibly!! #StashThatCash
You’ve been taught some tough lessons lately. One VERY important one being that work meetings are mostly being conducted via Zoom and while it’s tempting to dress from the waist up because no one is going to see what you are wearing on the bottom surely? Just remember life does occasionally throw you a curveball and you may have to get up unexpectedly during the video call - so be prepared and ALWAYS expect the unexpected, otherwise your office colleagues could have lingering memories of you suited on top and bootied on the bottom - it’s no longer the Christmas party and its alcoholic antics you have to fear and live down for the next year - stay vigilant! #ItPaysToBePrepared
You need to examine your boundaries and make the necessary adjustments. You can’t dress up to go out and socialize as there is nowhere to go; HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean you have to slob around all day in your dressing gown which still has last week’s gravy dribbled down the front of it, nestling alongside some leftover jam roly poly and custard. Not only is it unhygienic, it’s not fashionable and it most definitely is NOT acceptable!!! Get a grip sweetie before it’s too late and you end up a permanent resident at Hotel de Slob. Whip out that diary and start planning your outfits so that you look both fashionable and presentable on a daily basis or we will be forced to send in the fashion police...pronto! One still has sartorial standards even in lockdown. Moreso! #YouHaveBeenWarned
The race is on amongst your friends for likes on social media with people doing the most outrageous things in order to achieve them, not to mention bikini selfie overload. While it may be tempting to join in, just remember this; everyone will have their 15 minutes of fame. What you have to ask yourself is, do you want yours by acting like a complete fool on Tik-Tok, or doing risky yoga poses in a bikini which look more like they belong on an ‘OnlyFans’ page, where the content borders on the obscene? We’ve already seen far more of our classmates on Zoom doing the downward dog, than even their own doctor has! Or worse still, you try (and fail) to perform a stunt, going tits up, ending up in a plaster cast for what’s left of the summer? The hospitals have their work cut out as it is! #WhenWillIBeFamous