Just as a horoscope is a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth - and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at emmaheaven.com have decided to consult with the Fashion gods (yes they do really exist) to see what fashion and beauty looks are essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘fashionscope’ may result in us calling the fashion police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the mick out of yourself and your wardrobe!
Fashion and beauty should be fun - life’s way too short, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
This year has your name written all over it! It’s time to seize the day, become a better version of yourself, get fitter, get healthier and for the love of Karl (Lagerfeld), PLEASE get rid of all the ghastly elasticated clothing you have been sporting lately. We know everyone overindulges during the festive period, but it’s now the middle of January sweetie; and if you haven’t started to shed those extra pounds - then duckie dearest, the only hope for you is to have your jaws wired! Hmmmm, didn’t think that would go down too well...So it’s time to knuckle down and shift the festive flubber before it gets too settled, and stops you from looking simply marvelous in your enviable wardrobe, that mere mortals would kill for.
The start of the new year needs to see you streamlining. And let’s get this cleared up from the get-go! We are NOT talking about being more efficient and effective - although you could benefit from that too! We are referring to your, ahem, ‘festive fitness’, or rather lack of! Talk about letting yourself go! Well sweetie, it’s time to get back on the horse, bike or any other gym/fitness-related equipment, and get that body back to its former glory. Once that mission is completed then, and only then, do you have our permission to strut your stuff in a teenie, tiny pair of cheeky hot pants - from the safe sanctuary and privacy of your own home. The only exception would be if you happen to be a famous pint-sized Aussie popstrel!
Should you go all in and smash those January sales, or is a cool head called for? This will be a big dilemma for you this month, as previous form tells us that you usually obliterate your bank account and literally shop until you drop from sheer exhaustion; in the resulting aftermath, complete horror takes over as you realise you have absolutely NO money left, and Messrs Visa & Mastercard have cut you off, leaving you with another 2 -3 weeks before you get paid again! Beans on toast or Supernoodles will soon be your new best friends! Well at least until payday. Now sweetie - you can either repeat the cycle or break the cycle, by shopping sensibly and responsibly. If you know deep down in your heart that you couldn’t possible survive on this planet without it, then by all means go ahead and buy it. But if you’re not going to be such a ‘drama llama’ and you can live without it, stash the cash for a rainy day and give yourself a pat on the back for resisting temptation.
Are you in or out? We’re referring to the gym here sweetie... Are you going all in, as a fully-paid up member for the next year? Or are you out, thinking you can go this alone, and you have the willpower to succeed? The decision has to be entirely yours and you don’t have to be talked into or shamed into it by friends, especially the lycra mob who don the gear, whether they are in the gym or not - ‘all the gear, and no idea’! We’ve all met them! Or while under the influence of alcohol, in a well-meaning, yet drunken state, signing up online with your bank account details!! This is even more dangerous than shopping under the influence. At least when you sober up and the goods arrive, you can send them back and get a refund. Have you ever tried cancelling a gym membership? Good luck with that!
This year has only just begun and already you have fallen off the wagon in spectacular style. What the hell happened to ‘new year, new you’? We’re not naive...we know you have to eat in order to survive and to drink to stay hydrated, so surely the alarm bells ring when you start sprinkling crushed Ferrero Rocher over your bowl of porridge, and replacing your morning coffee’s milk with Baileys Irish Cream?! Sweetie this has to stop NOW! It’s time to clear out the crap and replace it with healthier options. If you do not do this IMMEDIATELY, then quite frankly duckie, you are destined to end up at a private clinic addressing these problems, while your friends are showing off their gorgeous new beach attire on a beach somewhere exotic.
Your star will shine brighter than ever this year. It’s the start of a new decade and this will be the year that your dreams will come true...provided you work hard and they are actually within your reach. For example - if your dream has always been to marry The Rock, then really sweetie you are living in dreamland, because a) He’s a Hollywood film star and unless you run in the same circles you don’t have a chance in hell of running into him; and we can say with some confidence that we don’t think he’s on Tinder and would swipe right when he sees your profile!!! And b) he’s married - newly-married and happy! So by all means dream away and try and make those dreams come true, BUT just make sure they are realistic!!!
No matter how hard you try, you cannot escape the temptation of chocolate! Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the supermarket, secure in the knowledge that all the Christmas chocolates had disappeared from the shelves, you are faced with the onslaught of Easter, with shelves tantalisingly crammed full - chock-a-block even - of chocolate eggs and those pesky addictive little buggers - Cadbury’s Creme Eggs! Curse you Cadbury and curse all you chocolate shops out there! This has thrown a spanner in your quest to look your best and fit back into your clothes which fitted you perfectly before the festive season hit, thank you very much! Not to worry sweetie, we fashion gods have heard that those creme eggs are freezable - so choc stock up and stash them in a secret box at the back of the freezer, ready to defrost when you are elasticated waist fee.
You usually have no problems making decisions and this is the time to be ruthless, as whichever way you turn, you will be bombarded with companies wanting to get hold of your hard earned cash. They will tempt you with their fabulous discounts, extravagant sales, and clever adverts, all of which are designed to get your money OUT of your bank account and INTO theirs. Just remember sweetie, you only have the one body to adorn with clothes, shoes and accessories, so let’s not go overboard and be sensible here. Set yourself a challenge with a limit and reward system. Make a list of certain items you wish to purchase and once you have acquired them, reward yourself with a large glass of bubbly to toast your success. When the whole list has been completed? Well this requires a full bottle! Please click and drink responsibly.
You may be business savvy but you most certainly are not fashion savvy! You need to start shopping smarter, not harder. You need quality, not quantity. You can have a wardrobe crammed full of items but this does not a great outfit make! Lately your mismatched wardrobe has resembled your mismatched personality; but sweetie unless you’re going fancy dress, drag king/queen, or to the office’s charity ‘let’s wear something ridiculous’ day, it’s time to invest in some fashion bibles or visit a few fashion icons’ Instagram feed for some inspiration, purchasing key pieces to assemble a great capsule wardrobe and build up your fashion empire from there; then maybe, just maybe, one day you will have a wardrobe to be proud of.
Something is bugging you big time. Could it be the amazing jumpsuit you found in the sales? Thought it might be an impulse buy so you decided to err on the side of caution and leave it on the rails, only to return the next day as you couldn’t stop dreaming about it that night, with visions of you strutting around, looking absolutely fabulous in that very same jumpsuit? Bypassing breakfast and beating a path straight to the store, only to search high and low to find it was GONE!!! The devastation, swiftly followed by anger and despair, is something we’ve all gone through sweetie; and while it’s not the end of the world (oh, who are we kidding, YES it is!); lessons will be learned and you will NEVER let such fabulousness slip through your fingers again, so you NEVER go through that pain again!!! If in doubt, buy now, keep receipt, sleep on it, return later (if you must). But don’t leave it languishing on the rails for someone else to snap up!
You’re feeling rather sensitive and more than a little paranoid - especially since returning to work - thinking that people are sniggering behind your back at the festive weight gain you have been trying (and failing) to conceal under a mountain of baggy clothes. Alas all it has done sweetie is to highlight the weight gain, adding needless inches and bulk where there are none. In fact, you feel as though you should have walked around with a giant placard saying ‘Caution - Wide Load’! You want to head for the stationery cupboard to eat your hidden stash of chocolates, or drown your sorrows at the nearest bar, while you mull over some crazy drastic weight loss options, or an extended stay on a juicing retreat, until such time you feel you can venture out again in public without feeling quite so ‘meh’ and self-conscious. Stop being paranoid, be positive! #ParanoiaTheDestroyer
Please, please, PLEASE, for the love of all humanity, do NOT be *that person* who starts the new year buying all the lycra outfits possible, then uploading a ton of selfies to your Instagram feed of you decked out in your latest fitness attire as you announce to the world that this is the year you get fit (AGAIN!!!). Fast forward to February and the gym selfies have been replaced with ones in a cocktail bar, nightclub, restaurant, chocolate factory, gin distillery, wine cellar, etc etc… You get the picture? YES we know that you had good intentions but let’s get real sweetie: you need to make small changes to your lifestyle, not break yourself in the pursuit of perceived perfection and accumulating loadsa likes, trying to keep up with the Joneses. Pfffft!