Just as a horoscope is a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth - and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at emmaheaven.com have decided to consult with the Fashion gods (yes they do really exist) to see what fashion and beauty looks are essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘fashionscope’ may result in us calling the fashion police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the mick out of yourself and your wardrobe!
Fashion and beauty should be fun - life’s way too short, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
You’ve promised yourself ‘no more secrets’. Let’s get real here sweetie. Can you honestly say that that is something you can accomplish? It’s not in our DNA to NOT keep secrets - quite frankly, that is MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!!! And what are you going to do with the festive season fast approaching? Tell everyone what exciting thoughtful gifts you have bought them? And for that matter, can you imagine bowling into the office and holding up the outfit you planned to wow everyone with at the Christmas party? EXACTLY!!! So please, do yourself a huge favour and get back to the real world as this will help us greatly in the ‘peeing our pants’ department, as we are unable to control our hysterical laughter at your sheer naivety; wearing a Tena Lady is so not fashionable darlings and we are most definitely NOT ready for that phase of our lives - yet!!!
Watch your words sweetie! Be very careful how you put your opinion across or you just might end up being ‘Billy no-mates’, and people will talk about you in hushed tones when you enter the room. Now that’s not to say that you don’t have to always be economical with the truth - it’s just that some snowflakes like things sugar coated, and if you know in your heart of hearts that they will crumble, or take to the foetal position if you tell them that their bum looks big in the tight leather trousers they’ve shoe-horned themselves into - well quite frankly sweetie it’s better to chuck them a lifeline and maybe suggest a diplomatic alternative that will suit and flatter their figure so much better; whilst making you sound like you care and only have their best interests at heart. Everybody wants to be loved, revered and adored - and you are no exception!
You need a well deserved timeout! Halloween is over for another year, so you can put away those costume ideas to the back of your mind (in a locked box) and until they’re needed again next year. Put your feet up and rest that creative brain of yours for a few weeks before the onslaught of the festive season is upon us - and then sweetie, you’re going to need all that fabulousness and fashion expertise to WOW everyone with your incredible Christmas wardrobe, which is bound to thrill and impress all those who come into contact with you! Your fashionista status is legendary amongst mere mortals who long for just a tiny speck of your sparkle to sprinkle over themselves, in the vague hope that they too may have the ability of throwing together an outfit which is so spectacular, that only one word to describe you comes to mind!
The pressure’s on sweetie. The festive season is just around the corner and that means ONE thing, and one thing only! The staff’s work party. And let’s be perfectly blunt about this - it’s an event that can make or break a person’s reputation, and we’re not just talking about embarrassing yourself by photocopying your butt or getting off with a much younger or junior colleague, (oh the shame!) resulting in you being the focus of office gossip for the foreseeable future! NO darlings - we’re talking about turning up at the ball, looking nothing short of dazzling, casting a spell on your colleagues at the sheer genius that’s behind your party ‘look’; artfully accessorised with the intoxicating confidence radiating from you as much as the Chanel No5 you’ve doused yourself in. You’re so potent that you might need to hand out face masks cunningly disguised as Santa beards! Who says you’re not the caring sharing type?!
Right then sweetie, it’s not like we want to rain or snow on your parade, HOWEVER, we have to politely remind you that last year’s Christmas party outfit was nothing short of a national disaster! What on earth possessed you to wear it is still the burning question on the lips of the savviest dressers. Thankfully a full year has almost passed and hopefully most folk will have forgotten your embarrassing fashion faux pas! This year you HAVE to take precautions, so PLEASE DO NOT make the same mistake twice. That would be unforgivable and would quite rightly secure your place in the worst dressed ‘Hall Of Fame/Shame’! Rule 1: Dress for your shape - just because Kate Moss can rock it, doesn’t mean it will look (equally) good on you! Rule 2: Dress age appropriate - unless you are Cher darling, please step away from the jewel-encrusted lycra leotards. Rule 3: Make sure you can move in your outfit - you need to be able to dance and ‘use the bathroom facilities’; spilling out of the seams is a scandal you do not want to create!
You are highly distracted by all the shiny, glittery clothes, shoes and accessories which are making an appearance in the stores. Eyes on the prize sweetie, eyes on the prize. To look the best and have the most unique, envy-inducing outfit at this year’s party, you’re gonna have to dig quite a bit deeper. Do your homework and start trawling the internet for some fabulous hidden treasures that the average person wouldn’t dream of finding, let alone have the balls (or baubles) to wear with such aplomb! Every man, woman and their dog will be heading to the same shops, putting the same outfits into their shopping baskets and rocking up to the festivities, all looking like clones! ‘You’re never alone with a clone’! You my dear, weren’t meant to blend in and be part of the crowd - you were born to stand out and shine brightly. So to sum up - head down, iPad at the ready! You are on an ‘outfit’ quest and NOTHING and NOBODY will stand in your way!
Express yourself sweetie and show the fashion world what you have to offer. Forget what the experts say - they have no right to tell you what you can and cannot wear. You are NOT dumb! (And we are here to guide you). Deep down you know that a crop top with PVC trousers are really not going to flatter your more mature curves and ‘jelly belly’ and nobody wants their muffin top making a bid for freedom, especially at this (chilly) time of the year (not to mention the unkind sniggering and snide comments from fellow partygoers). If you really, really, really HAVE to do the crop top/PVC trousers combo (which in our opinion is a rather ‘bold, brave and/or bordering on completely bonkers choice!) then may we suggest you throw on a rather fabulous tunic over the top! You get to wear what you want without spooking the public and we still get to see the PVC from mid-thigh down - job done!
Add some much needed excitement to your life, which to be frank is about as bubbly and exciting as a flat bottle of fizz, and that is not good sweetie! It makes us want to scrunch up our faces which does nothing to help keep those premature wrinkles at bay, sending shivers down our spine, running to the nearest department store to stock up on the latest anti-ageing creams we can get our little mitts on! So be brave, go forth, and overload your social diary with as many engagements as it’s humanly possible to attend, making sure you have enough outfits to wear for each occasion. Remember, quality not quantity is the key with anyone’s wardrobe. If it’s full to the brim with tasteless, tacky clothes then you my darling are on the road to fashionista ruin. Be versatile, be quirky, be unique, but above all, be classy and sassy! #DressHowYouwantToBeAddressed
You’re more than a little sensitive at the moment, and dare we say it? oh yes we do, a teensy weensy bit of a cry baby lately. So sweetie, in the nicest possible way, it’s time to put on your big girl pants and toughen up a bit. Remember that old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me”? No matter what nasty people say, it’s more a reflection of their ugly personality rather than those ‘edgy’ corduroy dungarees you have insisted on sporting lately. HOWEVER, on that matter sweetie, let us politely state the obvious; NOBODY over the age of eight can carry off this look without looking like a farmhand from Old McDonald’s Farm! A tad harsh? Hmmmm, maybe, but that is our job darlings - and that is to be brutally honest yet in a nice, kind and caring environment! ‘Cruel to be kind’! We will carefully steer you in the right direction, not in a bossy way, and hopefully such fashion faux pas will be a thing of the past. We are after all, caring and sharing fashion gods. #WeWontThrowYouUnderTheBusOrTractor!
Your fashion insights are spot on this month sweetie. You are on fire and everything you touch is simply hot, hot, HOT! You have the canny ability to know what suits you and what is appropriate for each occasion. It is a natural gift and not one that many people possess. So be grateful and use this gift wisely! It also takes a very special person who is willing to share such a gift, spreading that fashion genius around. It could well earn you a ticket in the VIP room upstairs when the time arrives and it does give off such a lovely vibe when you sprinkle your unique brand of sunshine and magic over people a la Cinderella’s fairy godmother! And when they turn up at the ball, soaking up the sartorial compliments from all and sundry, let us hope that they remember who helped to turn them into a fairytale princess, and show you their appreciation by being VERY generous at the bar; ours is a G&T dahhhlings! Doubles all round! #BaskInYourSheerBrilliance
Ready...Set...GO!!! You are one of the maniacs who has already gone into full-blown Christmas mode, and from here on in, absolutely everything you do revolves around the festive season; or as most people view it ‘3 statutory holidays, time off work and a giant size hole in your bank account’. But not you! Oh no! The build up to Christmas is the most exciting time of the year for you, as it gives you the opportunity to do your most favourite things. Dress up in shiny, glitzy, over-the-top clothes, buying presents for others, and eating and drinking in excess! Unfortunately the latter can cause problems in the clothing department as the festive season drags on and your waistband expands, thus rendering you totally dependant on elasticated waistbands and cover-ups! Never mind sweetie, it’s only two weeks and then you have the rest of January to reflect and repair the damage to your body and bank balance - so it doesn’t really matter that you have no money - because you’re busy rubbing your bountiful belly, and working on shedding those surplus festive inches!
Don’t settle for mediocre. You weren’t born to blend in sweetie - you were born to stand out. Cast away any thoughts of resurrecting last year’s party outfits. EVERYBODY has seen them and the most savvy fashionistas will remember exactly what adorned your body and believe us, they will take great pleasure in reminding you. So don’t go getting caught with your pants down (so to speak)! Thorough investigative capabilities are required in finding the ultimate outfit to stamp your fashion authority on the world - along with a continuous supply of wine and nibbles to help keep your stamina up! Make sure you don’t get distracted whilst online shopping - turn off your social media alerts or you may find yourself commenting on a friends messy breakup rather than prioritising your quest to be best-dressed! If you are a real shopper, and by that we mean the kind of person who likes to physically go shopping to look and try things on, then we strongly suggest that you go alone, planning your outing with military precision - NOTHING must get in your way!