Just as a horoscope is a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth - and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at emmaheaven.com have decided to consult with the Fashion gods (yes they do really exist) to see what fashion and beauty looks are essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘fashionscope’ may result in us calling the fashion police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the mick out of yourself and your wardrobe!
Fashion and beauty should be fun - life’s way too short, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
This is a rather messy month for you. The aftermath of Easter is still hanging over you and you don’t quite seem to be able to throw away those pesky little chocolate eggs that are still strategically hidden all over the house, just in case of a chocolate emergency! Really sweetie! Get a grip! Because if this sort of behaviour continues for much longer, then we’re afraid to say that someone is going to bitterly regret it when the sun resurfaces again and it’s time to get certain body parts out and put them on display. You may think you can cunningly disguise this by clever dressing but darling, we’ll let you into a secret - we all know that your love of voluminous kaftans has absolutely NOTHING to do with fashion choices and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that everything else you put on makes you resemble an overstuffed sausage! So not a good look!
This is a decidedly mixed month for you fashion wise. You know that old saying: “ne’er cast a clout, til May be out”? Well that sweetie, is your wardrobe. In a nutshell! The weather has absolutely no idea what it’s doing and neither do you with your wardrobe choices. Will it be warm or cold? Will it rain, hail or snow? Will it be calm or will you be blown off your feet? We have absolutely NO idea and nor do the weather forecasters for that matter! So our advice would be to layer your clothing, always have a jacket with you, an umbrella close to hand isn’t a bad idea, and make sure you have an oversized handbag crammed full of essential items such as hats, scarves, gloves, flip flops, SPF 50, sunglasses, earmuffs etc, etc. All jammed into a Mary Poppins style bag - wouldn’t that just be the answer to all our prayers?!
It always helps to crack a joke when things get too heavy. This is sound advice for this month, especially if, like us, you slightly (i.e. totally OTT) indulged in chocolate and anything remotely calorifically edible and drinkable over Easter, then you’ll be feeling guilt and shame, not to mention just how damn angry you are with yourself for succumbing to this ritual yet again! Questions regarding how and why you keep repeating the same mistakes will lead you down a dark path of self loathing - so suck it up sister and try and see the funny side of having to wear elasticated waists for the next few weeks whilst having your jaw wired to make sure only liquids are able to be consumed. And for pity’s sake PLEASE DON’T resort to liquidising chocolate, or you’ll be living this dilemma for the foreseeable future!
Life feels a bit intense this month and the way forward is to not let yourself drown in the intensity - instead, float above it. It’s time to chill out, relax and find your inner calm guru. Light some incense, strike a yoga pose ot two, embrace the harem pants (which are surprisingly comfortable as well as fashion forward), and some herbal tea wouldn’t go amiss. Your life needs to be restored to cool, calm and collected. SLOW DOWN. Breathe and start to enjoy what life has to offer - otherwise the alternative is not a pretty sight! We’re talking dull and lifeless looking skin, big dark baggies under the eyes, limp and greasy hair, rumpled clothing that would benefit from a good launder, and a shameful dependency on wine! Life is what you make of it sweetie, so use the month ahead to turn your fortunes around and get out of any ruts you might be stuck in and seize the day!
Start listening to yourself more! What is it you want out of life? Do you want to be healthier? Then change and adapt your lifestyle. Do you want give up the booze? NEXT!!! Seriously sweetie - everyone loves the odd G&T, glass of fizz or a cheeky little cocktail - just make sure you don’t overdo it and become a sad old lush - EVERYTHING IN MODERATION! Do you want to look better? Overhaul your wardrobe and makeup bag, change your look, experiment and have fun. Try things you would never usually try. Go on - live dangerously - it’s only fashion - don’t take it, or yourself too seriously. Once you start down that road you’re on very shaky ground and only one step away from becoming a crazy, fashion fanatic and being drawn into a weird cult, where all the latest trends MUST be adhered to, no matter how bonkers they are or how ridiculous you may end up looking.
A little extravagance is required this month. A statement item of clothing that just screeches opulence, a killer pair of shoes which tells any onlooker that these were NOT made for comfort - they were made for looking fabulous in darling! Maybe a droolworthy meal made by a Michelin Star Chef that will be the envy of all your Instagram followers. Or what about some decadent, over-the-top beauty treatments? Bathing in milk or a snail facial - such popular treatments with the A-list these days. If this is a little out of your price range sweetie, we cannot stress enough DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME!!! The last thing you need is a visit to A&E, having to explain why 1. You burned your backside in a bath of hot and frothy semi-skimmed milk; or 2. You have a garden snail stuck up your nose and an unhealthy amount of snail slime oozing from places which never see the light of day!
Too much is NEVER enough for you sweetie. You love all the extras in every aspect of your life. An outfit is NEVER too OTT unless you are wearing a fully decorated Christmas tree on your head and if the month happens to be December - well that’s acceptable. A twelve course meal is never too much if you tackle it with a sensible head - pace yourself - either before/after the main event, or not eat everything on the plate! We step on to shaky ground when it comes to the world of beauty, for instance, a ten ton of makeup trowelled onto the skin is NEVER too much if you are going for the Drag Queen look - if that’s not the desired look, then for the love of Gucci, proceed with caution! And finally, the only thing we can categorically say people have gone too far with, and is way, way TOO MUCH, too over the top and downright ridiculous - are Botox and lip fillers. Really ladies - who on Earth told you that looking like Daffy Duck with a face that can no longer move or register any emotion whatsoever was a good look? The keyword here is balance. And we’re not talking bank balance!
Hey fashionista, you talk the talk, but can you walk the walk? It’s time to put your money where your mouth is and show your adoring public that your amazing wardrobe that you’ve been harping on about for the last millenium does actually exist and isn’t a figment of your imagination. If you have been telling the truth and you are the proud owner of a droolworthy wardrobe - well you must now embark on a wondrous fashion display that will astound and delight your family, friends and colleagues. If you have been tell ‘porkie pies’ - well frankly that’s out of order sweetie. Your only redemption is to put in a full shift - and then some - on ASOS, remembering to push the next day delivery button and hope to god they have a mammoth sale on, enabling you to add lots of bargains to your shopping cart which is so thoughtfully being (momentarily) funded by Messrs Visa and Mastercard, who will want their money back - with interest!
Do NOT get caught up in the bank holiday madness and end up hungover after a night out with the girls, nursing the headache from hell. This will be the least of your worries, especially when you realise that not only did you forget where you went, who you met, or what you said (and possibly offended) - you discover that the gorgeous designer shoes that took you a year to save up for are now missing a heel!!! Devastation washes over you and the pitiful cry which emerges from deep down below is reminiscent of a child whose secret sweet supply has been confiscated! The pain is real sweetie and nothing anyone says will help. Just take deep breaths and a large glug of cognac - it’s time to find a shoe hospital online to assist in replacing and repairing the shoe. Failing that, watch some bank heist movies which will show you just how futile planning a bank job is - then pull yourself together,; start saving for a new pair; and let that be a harsh lesson learned!!!
Please don’t become obsessed with a fashion project that you currently have going on sweetie, or it may end up taking over your whole life, turning you into an insufferable bore with only one topic of conversation and therefore making everyone around you give you a wide berth, because if they hear you harp on about it one more time - they may dive headfirst into the nearest bottle of vodka, gin or any other alcoholic beverage available! Fashion should have the ability to let you express your individuality in a fun and enjoyable way that puts a smile on people’s faces and makes them want to engage with you - not the pained look and the “here she goes again” expression that has been permanently on people’s faces EVERY time they cross your path. You want people to like you and be pleased to see you, not be planning to muzzle you with military precision if they hear about that bloody outfit one more time!
It’s been a low energy month for you in terms of planning for events and holidays, but now sweetie, it’s time to up the ante. Oh yes - it’s summer holiday booking and planning time. This is the month when you are completely engrossed in your iPad - flipping from one travel site to another, bookmarking pages with gusto, oohing and aahing over sun drenched sandy beaches, azure seas, dreaming of all the cocktails you will be devouring poolside whilst looking fabulous in your new summer wardrobe - and on that note you set up a new Google search for bikinis, sunhats and coverups faster than the click of your mouse! By the time you’ve finished you have more wish lists than Aladdin - and you’ll need one hell of a genie to grant them all - or for mere mortals - you’ll need a substantial amount of overtime allocated from a generous boss to be able to cover the astronomical amount needed!
Lately, you have gained the courage to be honest and say exactly what’s on your mind and while that may be commended it also comes with a warning. Whilst it’s good to be honest - there are certain situations that will require the odd little diplomatic white lie. First, an example of when you should tell the truth - a friend asks if an outfit looks good. We fashion gods think it is responsible and in the end, far kinder to tell them the truth - you wouldn’t want to go out in a dress that showed VPL or was unflattering and no-one told you about it now would you sweetie? So in that case, it’s best to be honest. Now an example of when you need to tell a little white lie. Your partner discovers multiple bags of new clothes stuffed in the back of the wardrobe. In this case you lie, lie, LIE. They’ve been there for months, in fact you bought them cheap in the sales last year and forgot all about them. NEVER confess to recent shopping sprees - what they don’t know, won’t hurt them.