Just as a horoscope is a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth - and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at emmaheaven.com have decided to consult with the Fashion gods (yes they do really exist) to see what fashion and beauty looks are essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘fashionscope’ may result in us calling the fashion police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the mick out of yourself and your wardrobe!
Fashion and beauty should be fun - life’s way too short, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
Are you sure you want to go through with it? Really sure? Because as soon as you put on that outfit and march out of the door - well sweetie, there’s just no going back! And what you wear at this year’s Christmas office party will define your reputation for the following year/rest of your (potentially limited) career! You can either be crowned Queen, or you will play the role of the Court Jester until you can redeem yourself the same time next year, and *THAT* is a very, VERY long time, nay, an eternity even, to have the p*ss taken out of you day and night, month after month. It’s relentless darling and we’re not sure you would be able to handle such torment. So with that in my mind, we don’t just recommend caution - NO! We are screaming at the top of our lungs - make sure your outfit is simply fabulous and the stuff of legends, so much so that when you rock up, the ground shakes as people tremble as your magnificence strolls on past, blasting their mere attempts at fashionista greatness into smithereens. Walk straight to the bar you gorgeous gal and toast your triumph.
One potato, two potato, three potato, four…any more my dear and you may end up slumped on the floor like the proverbial sack of spuds! Carb coma alert!!! They are not pleasant, especially when wearing highly fashionable yet verrrry restrictive clothing! Picture the scene….sprawled out, perspiration covering you almost as fast as the food which is backing up and about to escape in *THE* most undignified way possible. Steps need to be taken immediately to stop the most embarrassing of situations (a)rising along with the Christmas pud you stowed away even though you knew it had nowhere to go! Excuse yourself pronto and reach for the nearest elasticated waistband, go lie down in a darkened room and repeat this mantra until it sticks sweetie…”I do not have to eat my bodyweight in festive goodies to enjoy myself”...”everything in moderation”...And if that fails, remember how you were the runner up in your office’s annual, post-Christmas Jaba the Hut lookalike competition! Colleagues can be so cruel and unforgiving; but not as unforgiving as the calorific Christmas treats...
A calculated risk could well pay off for you, promoting you to ‘festive queen’ status, thus making you ecstatically happy. So happy, that you’ll be full of Christmas cheer and prosecco for weeks to come, telling the well-told (and well-worn) tale of how you nailed the Christmas party outfit with such aplomb that it’s now heading straight for the ‘national fashion archives’ to be admired for all eternity, and hastily copied by the sheep who wouldn’t know how to put together an original outfit even if their lives depended on it. You need to shout “come on people - it’s called an imagination - they come free of charge and have a limitless capacity - so start using it and maybe, just maybe, you could produce the next killer outfit that is taking the office by storm!” Lecture over sweetie, it’s now time to enjoy the rest of the festivities until the arduous task of planning next year’s outfit begins afresh in January.
Step away from the mince pies sweetie, or you may risk turning into one if you scarf down any more; and who in their right mind wants to resemble pastry goods? Especially those of the puff pastry variety?! A pale sugary jacket encasing oodles of discoloured and dried fruit is so NOT the look you are aiming for; and we’re pretty confident that Mr Kipling & co can take the financial hit of you abstaining from sugary goodies for the foreseeable future. You WILL thank us for heeding our warning; unlike cute pets, mince pies are just for Christmas, not for life! Fear not ‘pie lover’, they will return - probably around September, incidentally coinciding with you just having got your waistline back under some semblance of control after an arduous journey, which ironically started with the early release of mince pies last September! Is history about to repeat itself AGAIN?! Break the cycle!
Take regular breaks from your party, party, party schedule or you are going to end up the shadow of a person who once used to be bright and vivacious. Too much alcohol can have a devastating effect on the face sweetie - dull, lacklustre complexion, dark saggy baggies under the eyes which now resemble the entrance to some big, dark, scary portal! And we already know what you’re thinking - simply throw on a pair of oversized designer sunglasses - but really sweetie? Seriously?!? You don’t want to add ‘Posing Plonker’ to the ever growing list of unflattering nicknames you’ve been called over the years, or do you?! Not even the ‘A’ list can get away with wearing sunglasses indoors during the winter in the UK. Well not without ridicule...It’s bordering on the ridiculous - pretentious even - and you could yet end up being sent away to that discreet little clinic which deals with that little old chestnut of ‘stress and exhaustion’. Yeah, yeah, whatever...if that’s the way you want to paint it, then who are we to rain on your parade!?
Ho, Ho, Ho...it’s that time of year when the jolly ‘rotund’ (wo)man in red makes their annual appearance and it’s about time sweetie that you put a stop to this festive nuisance by putting in a little shopping time and coming up with an alternative to the festive onesie your other half insists on wearing over winter! The sight of them slumped on the sofa with their belly stretched to the limit, crammed full of Christmas treats and trimmings is NOT a sight to behold! In fact, it’s quite the passion killer, as are the ‘interesting’ odours emanating from them!!! Perhaps limiting the Brussels sprouts is an option you could consider?! Onesies are best suited to small children who can carry it off, looking all cute and cuddly. Whereas a fully-grown, overfed and over ‘refreshed’ adult is another matter entirely! May we respectfully suggest a flattering Rip Van Winkle nightshirt or two piece with an elasticated waist for expansion potential and a long line top to cover that Winnie the Pooh tum!!!
Do you want to get your sparkle on? Hell yeah!!! It’s Christmas sweetie and there’s no better time to adorn yourself with a multitude of sequins, glitter and sparkle - in fact, it’s mandatory! No matter how much bling you wear, trust us when we say this is the ONLY time of year that it’s remotely socially acceptable; applauded and encouraged even! Pull out the glittery scarves, the sequin covered hats, the sparkly shirts and dare we say it? yes we do - go full on blingtastic with the sequin-covered 70s style flared trousers - they’re just absolutely fab darlings. Oh so nostalgic and soooo much fun - you’ll feel like a shagadelic Austin Powers babe - yeah baby!! Fashion caution gets thrown to the wind and you couldn’t give two F’s as to what people think! Make the most of these precious fun-filled weeks because before you know it, January will arrive soon enough with its gloomy dark days and nights, where folk are broke, no parties on the horizon and the bling is locked away for another year!
Drooling over the Christmas food and drink adverts? Us too!!! There are so many tempting treats being shamelessly plugged on our screens morning, noon and night, that I think we’ve gained six pounds alone just by watching them! It’s a minefield of mince pies sweetie, and your festive menu will need meticulous planning to make sure you have a little bit of everything but not too much! You’re not feeding the world sweetie, just a small family. Waste not, want not! AND we hate to point out that all those extra treats = extra calories = extra weight (especially around the middle) = clothes feeling snug and in some extreme cases = unable to fasten zips and buttons. All this adds up and equates to “YOU’RE IN TROUBLE!!!” So with this friendly warning firmly planted, remember that a little of what you fancy does you good. A LOT of what you fancy doesn’t! You don’t need us to do any more of the maths! Looking on the bright side, at least there are the seasonal sales, so if you have gone overboard with the smorgasbord at least replenishing your wardrobe with looser clothing or elasticated waistbands won’t cost you an arm and a leg!!!
Get in while the going is good, and before all the best clothes and accessories fly off the shelves, only leaving behind the crap nobody else wants! You don’t want to be like Cinderella, with nothing to wear before the ball; and let’s be honest sweetie - there is no magical fairy godmother, who’s going to appear in a cloud of fairy dust with a magic wand, ready to grant your wishes and turn you into a fabulous looking ‘hot to trot’ princess. And for that matter, there’ll be no horse drawn carriage with footmen. If you’re lucky duckie, you’ll just about be able to book an illegal minicab with a miserable driver who wishes they were anywhere else but driving you! Talk about arriving in style!!! Reality can be such a cruel bi*ch! Anyhow, just make sure you are well prepared with a killer outfit and dressed to impress. Otherwise the only thing you’ll be kissing goodbye to is your hopes and dreams and not even a frog in sight!!! That is the stuff of nightmares, not fairytales.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas sweetie...There are decorations going up everywhere, the supermarket shelves are crammed full of festive treats and all the talk in work has turned to the staff Christmas party and what everyone will be wearing. This is where you STOP talking and START listening, as it would be a major fashion faux pas to turn up in the same outfit as someone else. In fact, you may as well crawl under the nearest rock and stay there until the new year is over, such is the stigma surrounding such a crime! Don’t worry though - your friendly neighbourhood fashion gods are here to save the day and resurrect your fashionista status with this most stupendous idea - have your outfit made for you!!! Such a simple quick idea and let’s face it, you can go with any material you like, no matter how bonkers the print or texture it will fit like a dream; AND you’re helping the local economy - go you!
Are you a glittery bauble, a plain bauble, or a bauble which has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas whatsoever?! Step aside the Star Wars freaks!!! Well your Christmas decorations usually reflect your fashion status perfectly. 1. Glittery bauble - totally over the top, wanting to stand out with lots of glitz, glam and shiny accessories. 2. Plain bauble - stylish, understated, looks the part but in a classy, not-in-your-face kind of way. 3. Nothing to do with Christmas whatsoever bauble - you may as well have turned up to the party in an Easter bonnet or full on fancy dress, donning a Jedi cloak, or dressed as a Disney princess. Or the more daring will be there in full on bondage gear - including a topical festive ball gag - thanks to the text invite which said ‘Dress code: PVC’ instead of ‘TBC’. Damn you predictive text!!!
No dream is too unrealistic this Christmas unless it involves the need to rob a bank in order to achieve it. Sorry to rain on your parade but there is no Father Christmas on his sleigh, flying across the night sky, dishing out presents to all and sundry. If that were the case sweetie, then we fashion gods would be waist deep in Tiffany, Cartier and Harry Winston - well who doesn’t like their big and shiny rocks? Anyway, back to the facts of life and (harsh) reality; the only way you are going to get what you want underneath that Christmas tree is either: a) Buying what you want for yourself - and why not? You totally deserve it, as for once, you’re not on Santa’s naughty list this year or b) You’ve successfully managed to manipulate/bribe/blackmail/convince a loved one into buying it for you. If neither of those two options aren’t followed up, then quite frankly duckie, you’re going to be a tad disappointed when you wake up on Christmas morning to sweet F.A.