Just as a horoscope is a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth - and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at emmaheaven.com have decided to consult with the Fashion gods (yes they do really exist) to see what fashion and beauty looks are essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘fashionscope’ may result in us calling the fashion police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the mick out of yourself and your wardrobe!
Fashion and beauty should be fun - life’s way too short, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
Deep cleansing breath...and then get ready for the ‘eggciting’ time ahead: Easter. Oh yes. It’s that only other time of year (besides Christmas) when you can indulge in chocolate and nobody judges you as they too are also busy cramming as many mini creme eggs into their mouths as possible. Or is that just the company we keep?!? Hmmmm...Just don’t fall into the trap of thinking that as they are so teenie tiny these days, that means you can eat twice as many. Oh no sweetie. You eating twice as many means weight gain doubled, equals expanding waist, equals clothes - unless they’re elasticated - no longer fitting! So be careful and eat your eggs wisely. And that doesn’t include swapping your soft boiled eggs at breakfast for the choccie variety. Eggs for breakfast doesn’t mean sponsored by Cadbury’s! That’s just a slippery slope leading to poor eating habits and once you’ve entered that ‘naughty zone’ it takes an awful lot of willpower and sacrifice to get out of it! Don’t be left with egg on your face, otherwise the yolk’s on you!!
You get a jolt of electrifying energy and your body could possibly go into sugar shock this month as your chocolate intake goes off the Richter scale as you consume your bodyweight in Easter eggs. In fact you can give Augustus Gloop a run for his money - perish the thought of you being able to run riot in a chocolate factory! Slow down sweetie, breathe and take stock of what is happening. If you don’t, you may find concerned friends and relatives doing a chocolate intervention on you, carting you off to the nearest private clinic to have your jaw wired up, if only to stop you doing irreparable damage to your teeth and your waistline - even if you don’t care for your pearly whites, just think of the impact on your wardrobe! The key is ‘everything in moderation’. While it’s ok to indulge in the occasional Easter egg, there is absolutely no need to trough and scoff a dozen!
No resting on your laurels. Yes, ok, so you’ve been good all year and stuck to your healthy eating and fitness plan; all your fabulous clothes fit and you look fab in them. Yadda, yadda...HOWEVER, Easter is fast approaching and this could pose a problem or two for you. Now we don’t want you to become an insufferable bore - spouting bullsh*t about chocolate being the devil blah blah, and heaven forbid you indulge. Get a grip sweetie - chocolate eggs are a MUST. In fact it’s the law chez Heaven that we must eat them in some shape or form. Just reign it in and make sure your inner ‘greedy girl’ doesn’t eggsplode like a bullet being shot from a gun. You’re only ever three or four eggs away from falling back into the pit of despair and the vicious cycle of “my clothes are too tight AGAIN and now I have to deprive myself until they fit once more!” So don’t throw caution to the wind, enjoy your eggs, but not too much!!!
You might not have a long fuse this month, especially when it comes to dumb people. Who on earth doesn’t like hot cross buns?! REALLY?! They are an absolute Easter MUST, or a weekend treat at least, especially as most bakeries start baking and stocking them not long after Christmas, which allows you to indulge in these gorgeous treats for months on end. AND as treats go, in the grand scheme of things, they aren’t hugely calorific or *that* bad for you, unless you go through half a dozen in one sitting, which is quite achievable for the hot cross bunnies amongst us! And who are we to judge? Just be prepared to reap the consequences if your spring/summer wardrobe is rather snug and you have to spend the aftermath of the holidays in a Portuguese juicing retreat, living off a liquid diet that, shock, horror, doesn’t include alcohol! Perish the thought!
Patience young grasshopper, (70s throwback, TV programme ‘Kung Fu’ reference...). Now is the month to take the time to make important decisions and not rush into anything or make daft decisions which you’ll later regret. For instance, you don’t want to be out with the girls, drinking alcohol to the point where it seriously impairs your judgement and the following day you find out that you’ve not only booked a holiday in a grotty 2-star resort in the back end of Majorca, but you’ve also rather foolishly paid a non-refundable deposit! Thankfully this is all hypothetical, and you have been warned in advance, so this should be fair warning to put a stop to any OTT drinking for the foreseeable future - which does the world of good for your health and waistline. More importantly, such restrained sobriety guarantees that you end up booking a rather fabulous resort, somewhere hot and marvellous, where you can sip cocktails on the beach, looking ‘fab not flab’ and feeling more than a tad smug.
Tame that urge to splurge; and for once, we are not talking about your wardrobe. We are talking about your Easter egg list! The fact that you need to pay for them in installments says it all! There is a time and a place for being outrageous and frivolous with the cash, but this is NOT it! Who needs chocolate more than fashion?! It’s perfectly understandable to want/need the odd creme egg, or a secret stash of mini eggs, and we wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow should you choose to indulge in a Ferrero Rocher extravaganza. HOWEVER, when precious dosh is being squandered on OTT, crazily-priced artisan chocolate eggs which you need a mortgage to purchase, then quite frankly sweetie, I’m afraid you could be a lost cause and need a reality check to bring you back to the real world. Back to a world where fashion - and only fashion - should dominate your finances! Eggs or Escada?!? You choose!
This is so NOT the month to ‘fake it until you make it!’ Success only comes through hard work and perseverance. NOTHING p*sses off successful people more than others pretending they have achieved something they haven’t, or trying to be someone they are not. “Some people think they’re champagne in a tall glass, when in actual fact, they’re lukewarm p*ss in a plastic cup”. Get the picture?! If you want to be one of life’s winners, then sweetie, you are simply going to have to work your little tushy off to achieve that status. Make a plan and stick to it. Be determined and keep on going no matter what. Failing to plan is a plan to fail. So be smart. Head down and be relentless in what you want. Obviously it goes without saying that what you wear will contribute greatly to how you feel, and we say this with zero shame whatsoever! We fashion gods find that having your own crown commissioned and wearing it on a daily basis, really helps us to feel regal and that we could literally ‘conquer the world’.
Relationships will be put under the microscope this month - mainly your relationship with food and exercise, which ultimately affects your relationship with your wardrobe. It’s a tense month for you as you navigate the shopping aisles at supermarkets, trying to successfully avoid the Easter aisle, only to fall at the final hurdle by the checkout where that naughty-but-nice, tempting stash of goodies are strategically displayed! It takes a very determined gal not to add those tempting treats to the shopping basket. You must stay strong sweetie, because as the dust settles after the Easter holidays, you will be thrown headlong into summer and holiday preparation. And the last thing you need is a long, uphill struggle trying to lose that belt of creme eggs which has so stubbornly taken up residence around your midriff, threatening to overhang your bikini. To be blunt, those memories of losing your post-Christmas cake shelf will seem like a walk in the park!
It’s NOT a ‘business as usual’ kind of month people. You have Easter to deal will and unless you put a plan of action in place, which includes a well thought out ‘indulgences’ section, then quite frankly, we fear for your safety, blood sugar and waistline! We know how difficult it is at the best of times to avoid temptation and we understand that you will be tempted, every which way you turn. The key word here sweetie is, MODERATION. Plan those lovely little chocolate treats and look forward to enjoying them. Don’t unleash your inner ‘chocolate monster’ - keep it firmly locked away. Kindly inform it that its services are not required this year, and if the choccie monster even thinks about making an appearance, then the Dark Lords of the Wardrobe are ready to do battle with the dastardly devil. There’s no way the Dark Lord will let the chocolate monster win, and neither must you, unless you want to spoil your summer lamenting how to lose those annoying pesky pounds!
Think before you speak this month, as comments you make in haste might possibly upset or downright offend! Throwaway jibes or jokes about people’s weight or the amount of Easter eggs they have consumed are not in the slightest bit funny. And talking about how easily they will develop type two diabetes will not endear you to them either, nor will it make a blind bit of difference. In an act of outright defiance it might actually lead to them eating even more! If you have a friend, family member or partner who, shall we say, is sporting the fuller figure of late and quite frankly doesn’t seem to be able to stop filling their face, then a more subtle approach is needed sweetie. Perhaps some joint exercise classes, a little yoga to set them on the right path, healthy food cooking classes or long walks in the country, or a not-so-subtle purchase of a ‘reaching my goal weight’ outfit. If all else fails, book them onto a month-long stay at an overseas juice retreat where escape isn’t really a viable option! And bone broth is considered a treat...
SLOW DOWN. There’s some bumps in the road that you need to carefully navigate, or you may end up with some cuts and bruises, OR worse, you may crash and burn! The problem is you try to do too much at once. You don’t ask for - let alone accept - help, and you keep going until you literally drop in a heap on the floor. While such tenacity is commendable and you don’t give in easily, sometimes sweetie, we have to, if only for our health and wellbeing. Now is the perfect time to dismount and recharge the batteries. It’s Easter and that brings the longed for bank holidays - a time where you can kick back and indulge in some chocolate (guilt free - it’s the law to eat chocolate at Easter) and have a well-deserved glass or two of your favourite tipple. Maybe a night out with friends? which brings with it the opportunity to glam up, which is always a happiness booster for fashionistas. And the best bit of all, after a night out on the town, a leisurely lie in the morning after, followed by breakfast in bed and a lazy duvet day awaits you. The simple pleasures in life really are priceless, and usually free…
This month could bring a few skeletons out of your closet which have been carefully concealed over the years. So beware. One way to safeguard this is to step away from the alcohol. As we know all too well, one drink can lead to another and quickly make you more than a tad tipsy. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...If you continue to drink with such wild abandon, that inevitably ends with you being less than your usual charming ladylike self, and zero control over what you utter. Remember that saying ‘engage brain before operating mouth’? Well that goes out the window when ‘under the influence’ as we all know the only thing we are capable of in that sorry state is gormless gurning, talking sh*te, declaring undying love for all and sundry, and end up looking like a doubly bedraggled Rocky Horror Show dropout, with smudged makeup, birds nest hair and dubious looking food and drink stains down our once divine outfit. So not a good look sweetie! Listen and learn. Don’t crash and burn!