Just as a horoscope is a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth - and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at emmaheaven.com have decided to consult with the Fashion gods (yes they do really exist) to see what fashion and beauty looks are essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘fashionscope’ may result in us calling the fashion police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the mick out of yourself and your wardrobe!
Fashion and beauty should be fun - life’s way too short, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
Every relationship requires some give and take/push and pull - and your relationship with your wardrobe is no different. You have to show it some love, care and new goodies from time to time, to keep it well fed and happy. You need to take away the cr*p, ridiculous, unnecessary purchases you made in the faint hope that they would eventually fit you one day but have since artfully crammed at the back of the wardrobe. You have to push and pick your way through the racks to find your most desired, coveted pieces which have been placed in the most protected, safe corner of your closet, and you need to pull those special daily staples to the forefront. This will make life soooo much easier on those mornings where you can barely focus those sleepy eyes, and already running late! You don’t want to end up in work, sitting at your desk, wearing what looks like the entire contents of a table top jumble sale, wishing for a sinkhole to open up and swallow you and your bad clothing choices whole!
Are your eyes on the prize? What may that prize be you ask? Best Hallowe’en costume, OBVIOUSLY!!! You are in hot pursuit of the ultimate costume that will elevate you from ordinary to extraordinary. And for reference, we most definitely do not mean any of the following: sexy witch, sexy ghost, sexy red devil, sexy ANYTHING!!! We think you get the message, but if you don’t then let’s be BRUTALLY HONEST. Hallowe’en is all about ghoulish fun and games, a chance to bring out your inner monster. Paint yourself with fake blood and wear silly contact lenses, fake horns and tails, become a zombie, wrap yourself up in bandages, etc. You get the phantasmagoric picture! It is NOT - repeat NOT - a chance to show as much flesh as possible - it’s not tasteful sweetie - it’s tacky! Save *those* body parts for your doctor or for the beach! We are SO over ‘sexy’ costumes. Put the heaving bosom and leggy display away for another day!
This month could see you exchange some very tense words with someone you love so pretty please - please exercise caution! For instance, if you are getting dressed and decide to ask your other half the oh-so-loaded question “does my bum look big in this?” then you need to be prepared and braced for their answer to go one of two ways. They may be brutally honest and tell you that “yes it does”. For the love of Jimmy Choo, please do not throw a shoe (or any other heavy object) at them. Or even worse - throw a B.F. (bitch fit)! Alternatively, they may say, “no it doesn’t” - which you suspect means they are likely to not be telling you the whole truth. They are either trying not to hurt your feelings, or, they do not want to run the risk being on the receiving end of a heavy object or B.F. Let’s be honest with ourselves here sweetie - if we really have to ask the question, then you probably already know the answer to how big your bum looks!
You are in the mood to fly solo this month. You are full of confidence, and whatever life decides to throw at you this month you feel that you can take it on alone! Looking for the perfect outfit? You don’t need a harem with you for advice. You are more than capable of making any decisions about what looks good on you and what doesn’t. A solo visit to the cinema to watch the latest movie? Not a problem - you don’t talk to anyone during the film and you don’t want to share your popcorn anyway - just make sure you don’t arrive wearing a long mac - it may attract some suspicious looks!!! A party invite? You don’t need a plus one, as you are ready to mingle, meet new people and dance the night away - even then you don’t need a dancing partner as you can boogie away on your own (just no dancing around the handbags, that so 80s sweetie!
You’ve got bright ideas and you’re not afraid to use them, no matter how extravagant or excessive they may seem. Your fashion sense has always been a little on the flamboyant side, but this month you are ready to take it up a notch. Hallowe’en has always been your favourite time of year and the one night where you can throw caution to the wind, wearing absolutely anything you want, no matter how ridiculous it might sound or look! You long to take gruesome to another level and will have been plotting away behind closed doors for months. But now, ‘cometh the hour, cometh the (wo)man’, when you get to show the world just how amazing an outfit it is. No expense will have been spared in the making of this outfit, especially in the SFX department. In fact sweetie, with your wicked and wild imagination, you should be able to give the Queen of Hallowe’en, Heidi Klum herself, a run for her money!
Are you sticking to your budget this month? A few words of caution - you MUST!!! Otherwise you know what’s going to happen over the next three months? You are going to spend, spend, spend! First up on the social calendar we have Hallowe’en, followed by Guy Fawkes/bonfire night, before rounding the year off with (apologies for using the dreaded ‘C’ word so early on) Christmas. All of which quickly adds up, meaning lots of presents, parties and an array of new outfits which will deplete your funds faster than you can say “when’s payday?!” Pace yourself sweetie, and spread that cash evenly so you’re not left destitute in the middle of December, nursing a half empty bottle of vodka wondering where did it all go wrong! Sensible, but vital if you are to survive the forthcoming festivities, we suggest you make a money plan. Allocating to several different causes - essential bills are to be prioritised and paid first, then with whatever’s left over, spread it evenly over parties, presents, and outfits, leaving a small stash in a safe place for emergencies (well you do have to eat to survive sweetie!)
Who’s the plonker in your inner circle? Let’s be honest, we’ve all got one! Most of the time they behave quite normally: they talk like they have some intelligence; most of the time they understand and follow life’s little rulebook; they usually dress appropriately (getting the picture?); and then, every now and again, they drop the ball in spectacular fashion, pulling the most unbelievable stunts that quite frankly, leave you wondering how they manage to function on a daily basis!!! Examples include: wearing flip flops to work in late November, because, well...no other reason than they were the first item of footwear to hand that morning! Or wearing white to a wedding, when they are not the bride, but because the dress had 60% knocked off in the sale. PLONKER ALERT!!! When these faux pas keep recurring, take them under your wing sweetie - try to educate and steer them back to how us (relatively) normal humans operate!
Batten down the hatches! Winter is on its way and from here on in we can expect some silly female-named storm/hurricane to hit on a weekly basis! Now we’re all for ‘sisters are doing it for themselves’, female empowerment, being a woman’s woman, blah blah, etc. but for the love of the weather gods, can these storms just give it a rest? You’d think between Mother Nature and these fancy female-named storms, that they’d understand the effect they are having on our wardrobes?! Umbrellas are blown inside out, broken and despatched on a daily basis. Knitwear, woolen outer garments and faux fur get sodden and ruined (not to mention that nasty musty ‘wet dog’s blanket’ smell you can never quite get rid of). And if that’s not enough of being at the mercy of the meteorological gods, the joy of spending the whole day, dodging puddles and storms, sitting or walking around in damp clothing, wet hair plastered to your head and rivulets of makeup running down your face. Storms are soooo not good for us fashionistas. So please heed our advice and weather warning sweetie: when they hit, stay indoors, hunker down and see it off with a large hot toddy, while catching up with the latest box set. With such perfect contingency planning, the storm will blow over in no time.
Turn on the charm and people will flock to you. Like a moth to a flame they will be drawn in and captivated, as if you have cast a spell on them. When you launch into your full happy and friendly mode, you radiate a magical aura, where people simply want to be near you to bask in your glow and glory. Now you could take yourself a little too seriously and use your expertise to become the master of all that you survey, (in technical/layman’s terms - become a complete dick head!); OR, you could use this popularity to help others by ‘paying it forward’. Share your fashion and beauty knowledge with everyone and shower them with happiness. And if you really want to dazzle and feel good about yourself, a few fashion insider tricks of the trade, washed down with a large amount of prosecco ALWAYS goes down well. Trust us on this one - we’ve learned from experience the hard way!
You have been neglecting to take care of those pesky little bills this month and your finances are going to come crashing down around you if you’re not careful. Now we fashion gods are all for some frivolous fun and spending, but ONLY AFTER THE BILLS ARE PAID. There’s no use having a wardrobe to die for if the house that it’s in is about to be repossessed. AND if you haven’t paid your council tax, TV licence or other bills and are sentenced to a little ‘prison time’, then your fashion options sweetie are going to be significantly diminished, and you can (temporarily) wave goodbye to accessorising your prison garb with your blingtastic jewellery! So with such pressing practicalities in mind, get your head out of the clouds pronto and back in the ‘grown ups’ game; and while it might be painful handing over half your monthly wages to bills - get them paid. Pronto! A little, not a lot, Dutch courage will help numb the pain. Whatever’s left, feel free to hit the shops with our blessing.
Still struggling to be noticed? Not to fear sweetie as October presents a fabulous event opportunity, where, with a little imagination and a lot of balls, you could be the stand-out star of your very own Hallowe’en production. You still have a couple of weeks to do some serious research and buy in enough special effects (SFX) supplies to put your plan into action. Don’t fall into the trap of being a wizened old witch or a bland ghost - think outside the box, try to be different, unique, and give ‘your public’ something awesome. Something they’ll be talking about for years to come. It’s time ‘young padawan’ (Star Wars throwback! - which means or apprentice if you aren’t familiar), to throw down the gauntlet in creating the most gruesome and bodacious costume the world, or colleagues at least, have ever seen. Let battle commence!
You’ve slipped off the fashion radar lately, but this month it’s time to make a triumphant return and regain that hard-fought won crown and title - ‘queen of fashion’. You needed some well-earned time out to restore your batteries, to re-engage with your passion for fashion. Now you feel as if you are ready to retake the reins and lead your adoring public into the new season. Everybody is waiting with bated breath to see what autumn staples are making their debut from your highly coveted wardrobe, before they rushing out to buy the best possible version they can get their mitts on. Normal business has resumed and you should celebrate in style. May we be bold and modest by suggesting you have a throne commissioned, where you can majestically sit in comfort, whilst sipping champagne and toasting just how wonderful you are?!