Just as a horoscope is a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth - and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at emmaheaven.com have decided to consult with the Fashion gods (yes they do really exist) to see what fashion and beauty looks are essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘fashionscope’ may result in us calling the fashion police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the mick out of yourself and your wardrobe!
Fashion and beauty should be fun - life’s way too short, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
This is the month to face those fears and dive headfirst into the fizzy bubbly stuff!!! Oh yes, it’s *that* wonderful. Oh who are we kidding?! That dreaded time of the year when you HAVE to socialise with family. You manage to successfully avoid them all year AND then Christmas arrives, along with their expectations that you MUST join them for the festivities. In order to survive such trials and tribulations, we strongly recommend a never ending supply of alcohol, that, plus a pair of those clever, wireless iPod earphones which can be strategically hidden beneath your hair. This heady combo should help drown out the incessant whining and BS flowing forth from the mouths of your nearest and dearest. AND for the really savvy, clever ones among you: perhaps you fancy a spot of charity work OUT of the country? Something like childcare and conservation in Madagascar, building in Nepal, or perhaps deworming livestock in Somalia. Not only will you be doing something worthwhile, you have your ‘get out of jail free’ card and a suntan to boot.
You have to put out the feelers this month and seek good vibes, great parties and some fabulous outfits sweetie, after all - it is CHRISTMAS!!! Yes, it’s that time of the year when you go totally OTT and usually humiliate yourself to the point where you have to change jobs, emigrate, or have a face transplant. But NOT this year. You are feeling more relaxed and in control, with a more mature outlook on life. Gone are the outrageous outfits and silly behaviour of old, which, once upon a time, would have demanded everyone’s eyes upon you, but for all the WRONG REASONS!!! Oh no - you will NOT be making those mistakes again. You will be dressed like the lady you are, and behave with decorum. You will drink responsibly; and under NO circumstances will you be having a quick fumble in any public places - there’s way too many people out there, quick to film such embarrassing indiscretions on their phones. And you definitely don’t want to add ‘YouTube star’ or ‘internet famous’ to your CV!
Christmas this year could prove to be beyond romantic for you. It could be that you fall head over heels with that special someone; or should we say something! We all know your first and only love is fashion and that your whole world revolves around it! So it would take someone so special, that they would have to be royalty, a millionaire and/or have magical powers to turn your head! Not that you’re shallow or materialistic! It’s just that you have high standards, with a certain lifestyle and wardrobe to adhere to. So with that in mind; and being realistic, prepare to be mesmerised and fall in love with a fashion item so utterly fabulous, that it renders you speechless. Your pulse races. Your blood pressure goes through the roof. Your heart is thudding in your chest. And your adrenaline is pumping through your body so fast you think you might explode like a Grand Prix winner’s bottle of shaken celebratory bubbly on the podium, such is your excitement and unalloyed happiness! Just keep a bottle of Kalms with you at all times!
You’re feeling back to your usual feisty self after a long, boring yet difficult month; and now you are finally ready to paint the town all shades of Christmas red and gold. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, and to shop, and to party until you drop. That Christmas party is now within touching distance and preparations are in place for you to be waxed, preened, painted and polished to perfection. The most glittering and perfect outfit is hung up, and inspected daily as you visualise just how fabulous you are going to look on the big night. The only thing that could derail your perfect night is YOU going totally OTT on the alcohol and ending up having one or all of the following happen: 1. End up all over social media - or even worse…2. The local newspaper; OR, even more catastrophic than that...3. The national newspapers, living out your ‘15 minutes of fame’ in the most shameful way! So behave yourself, drink and conduct yourself like the lady you are. This way you will guarantee enjoying the party all the more AND survive with your dignity intact!
2018 is outta here, well almost. It hasn’t been the best year for you, so we completely understand your need to bid it farewell as quickly as is humanly possible. You have had ups and downs this year,and granted, there’s been a lot more downs than ups! But now you have the chance to turn the tide and change your life for the better. Normally we fashion gods despair at the saying ‘New Year, New You’, HOWEVER, in your case, we suggest, nay INSIST, that you make that your mantra. And for the love of God, please try something different - especially with your wardrobe. 2018 was your year for being a bit/a lot of a fashion ‘saddo’. So 2019 is your year to conquer the fashion world and show everyone that you CAN (and do) actually look good, and produce an enviable outfit without trying too hard. It’s time for people to look at you without that pitying look in their eyes OR that look of shock/horror, OR even worse, doubled up and convulsed with fits of laughter.
December is all about your social life. The only thing you can think about is your Christmas party wardrobe. Many hours? Who are you kidding? Many MONTHS of planning and shopping have gone into this wondrous creation of festive attire you have accumulated and painstakingly put together to ensure you are the belle of the ball - the talk of the town - the best dressed person in the room. Your aim is to enter 2019 as reigning Queen of Fashion, and this is all but assured apart from any last minute mishaps! One small yet significant piece of advice. In all of this seasonal planning, make sure you don’t forget about your nearest and dearest. It doesn’t matter how good you look on Christmas day, sitting around the Christmas tree as everyone swaps presents when - shock - horror, you forgot to get everyone a gift!!! No one gives a sh*t sweetie about your festive outfit. They will all be thinking what a tight fisted g*t you are! Be smart AND be savvy - when buying yet ANOTHER fabulous outfit online or in-store - add some gift vouchers to the basket. Job done. And EVERYONE’S happy.
You need to try not to blow the bank this month. However, as it’s the festive season, people seem to think they have been given licence to go totally nuts, and to spend, spend, spend. Not only is this silly and frivolous, it’s ridiculous and highly irresponsible! We fashion gods IMPLORE you to proceed with caution or the consequences of such reckless behaviour could prove disastrous when January rears its ugly head, stretching out before you like a vast, inhospitable, barren desert. Is it worth partying and eating like a king for a couple of days and then having to resort to living like a pauper for the next few months, praying for time to move faster, whilst you sit all alone hugging your Pot Noodle? If you’re a true fashionista and social butterfly, there can only be one answer. YES! And you’ll do it in style!!! Pot Noodle for one, whilst wearing the most divine sparkly outfit. AND just think of the festive pounds you’ll shift or save if you’re too skint to spend anything.
‘Tis the season where your inner extrovert bursts onto the scene. It’s the month where you get to show off quite a number of skills. How to pick the most unusual showstopper of an outfit. TICK! How to buy the most thoughtful and fabulous presents. TICK! How to host the most amazing and talked about party of the decade. TICK! How to make the most innovative cocktails. TICK! How to create the most visually stunning Christmas tree. TICK! Is there no end to your outstanding skills? Just a wee word of caution...Being this perfect and amazing comes with very high expectations that you put on yourself as well as others. We subtly suggest keeping back a stash of your favourite tipple - and if the festivities go ‘t*its up’, you have more than enough booze to make your own festive cheer and keep you in a ‘mellow’ state, all the way up to the New Year and beyond; or at least until everyone has found something or someone else to talk and laugh about!
This is your month to shine, dazzle, glitter and if you’re not careful, potentially blind people with the amount of bling you adorn your body with. From the tip of your head all the way down to your tootsies - you will be decked out in the most festive of outfits, cramming in as much glitter and sparkle as is humanly possible, onto every available surface. Could your goal for this year be that you are visible from space? Get a grip sweetie. Who do you think you are? Clark W Griswold in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation? If you haven’t seen this film - which happens to be THE greatest Christmas movie of all time - then where have you been? Hiding under a glittery rock?! Anyway, back to you. Even though it’s all well and good to be festive, enthusiastically immersing yourself into the party season, there is such a thing as overdoing it Tinsel T*ts! So proceed with caution. Dial down the dazzle, or you may get snapped up and plonked on top of the tree, stuck in a plastic bucket in the corner of someone’s lounge. Good luck explaining that to the hospital staff...
You are more than ready to face the new year. But first, you have to get Christmas out of the way and the dreaded family Christmas lunch. It’s a little bit like Groundhog day. You feel like you’ve lived it many times over and nothing ever changes except your outfit. And this year you have decided to put comfort ahead of everything else, which means dark, wrinkle-free fabric with an elasticated waist! That will combat any spillages and hide that unflattering belly as it expands faster than the speed of sound! Cue Groundhog day: Aunty is going to give you the same gift she gets you every year since hitting adulthood. Your mother is stressed, suffering from hot flushes and is about to explode into a rage whilst taking it out on the poor, innocent turkey she has just incinerated in the oven. Kids are running around, screaming, completely off their heads on sugary treats. Dad is absolutely trollied, as it’s the only way he is going to survive this horrific debacle. And if you have any sense, then you’ll join in with Dad!!!
You are not one to overdo things normally, but Christmas is the exception. And we are talking the Full Monty! Including an advent calendar in the lead up to the festivities. Essentials include a planted poinsettia (you’re not that fussed on them but it’s Christmas and they are the festive plant of choice); mince pies (again, another thing you don’t really love, but it’s that time of year, so you suck it up!); new underwear and pyjamas for Christmas Eve, (obviously whilst sipping some Harvey’s Bristol Cream sherry while waiting for Santa to deliver); sparkly outfit for Christmas Day, (so you feel shiny, new and festive, and totally uncomfortable after stuffing your Christmas dinner - when will you ever learn?); cheese board (even though the smell is enough to knock you out, never mind the taste!); Christmas night onesie (words fail us with this one!); and to finish off - a ridiculous stash of chocolate which could quite easily feed a small country, not to mention the devastating effect on your waist line!
Christmas intensifies your focus on other people. You love receiving gifts - especially gift vouchers (oh the damage you can do with a mitt full of those babies!) However, nothing gives you more joy than watching people’s faces as they open your gifts which you have painstakingly thought about and lovingly wrapped. Many a night in the months leading up to the festive season you have sat on your sofa, iPad in one hand and a glass of gin in the other, searching the internet for the most amazing presents your imagination can conjure up. No website has been left unturned in your quest for the gift to end all gifts. You are well known amongst friends and family to gift the most fabulous of presents and they wait with baited breath every year to see if you have excelled yourself and indeed, raised the bar. Does this put pressure on you? Hell NO!!! You thrive on it. It makes you up your game, and the thrill of the chase begins again. You are a professional shopper. The Queen of shopping - the Mary Queen of Shops no less - and NOBODY is going to steal your crown sweetie!!!