Just as a horoscope is a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth - and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at emmaheaven.com have decided to consult with the Fashion gods (yes they do really exist) to see what fashion and beauty looks are essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘fashionscope’ may result in us calling the fashion police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the mick out of yourself and your wardrobe!
Fashion and beauty should be fun - life’s way too short, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
This month is all about you Capricorns - and so begins your New Year. Is it time to create a new you? DO you need to revamp your wardrobe? Have a radical haircut? Maybe start wearing fuschia eyeshadow? NO sweetie, NO darling! You just need to get your ‘Ab Fab’ on and in the wise words of the champagne quaffing Patsy Stone, tell yourself, “None of this New Year, new me bollocks. Last year I was fabulous...and this year I will be fabulous!”
You may not exactly feel like like leaping out of your bed on these cold and wet winter mornings, especially as you’re wearing mismatched pyjamas, which are faded, shapeless and quite possibly have more holes in them than a block of Emmental! HOWEVER - it’s a New Year and time to spring into action, so, bounce out of bed and for the love of God - get to the shops pronto and treat yourself to a new set of PJs.
It’s business as usual for you and it doesn’t make any difference whatsoever if it’s a New Year - so what! If you want to join the gym, sweating it out in unflattering neon lycra that shows off your Christmas ‘food baby’ in all its glory - then that’s your decision to make. You will not be guilt tripped into it by ‘Sweaty Betty’ adverts or well-meaning ‘Facebook friends’, posting endless selfies posing with weights, or pictures showing row upon row of unappetising prepped food in Tupperware containers. Be gone with your showing off!!!
Eventually you will manage to work things out - and deep down, you know that somehow you will survive ‘Dry January’. You are a strong, confident individual and you just need to remove all temptation and stick to the plan. Obviously becoming a hermit is the first step - shortly after emptying the entire house of all alcohol, including those chocolate liqueurs you were stashing under the bed - and the champagne shower gel. (You never know how low you may sink!) And don’t even think about sucking the alcohol out of the Wet Wipes #rockbottom! Stay strong - it’s only a month and think of that extra large bottle of prosecco waiting for you to toast your success!
It’s time you got your head out of the sand and faced the cold hard reality, whether you like it or not. Christmas is over and you have gotten fat! Hiding yourself under a mountain of clothes will not protect you from the reality of your reflection in the dreaded mirror. (Doesn’t a mirror add 10 pounds?) Anyway, fear not - you put it on and you can take it off - obviously taking it off isn’t half as much fun as putting it on - or is it?! You can burn off one hell of a lot of calories during the January sales - fighting for that bargain #SharpenThoseElbows, the jumper & jeans struggle in the changing room - not to mention rushing from one store to another. Exercise while shopping - could become your favourite new hobby. It’s not just your wallet that will be lighter at the end of it!
Remember you can’t please everyone and quite frankly, you don’t want to! Your bank manager is just going to have to understand it’s sales time and you simply have to have those floral cropped trousers hanging in your wardrobe - you tell yourself it’s ok that they’re two sizes too small - you’ll diet into them - and you know that quite possible they won’t suit you - but you’re in denial. Having said that, you still want them and try to justify this with the, “there’s 70% off, they’re a bargain, I can’t leave them there for that!”, and so Mr Nat West #NastyWest is just going to have to bear with you until pay day. Just don’t go (too) into the red to pay for them!
With a neverending list of resolutions sitting proudly in your newly-opened notebook - any feelings of smugness you had when you unwrapped it have evaporated as dread and fear take over! “Do I really need to make that many changes? Have I let things go that much?”Get a grip! You just need to 1. Join Tara Hammett’s Detox. 2. Read this month’s Fashion Feast for inspiration. And 3. Stop being so dramatic - your life can’t be anywhere as bad as the office worker in Cross Stitch Bitch’s column!
Are you making life hard for yourself? Trying to avoid nipping into town just in case you get seduced by the sales? Don’t kid yourself. You’re deluded if you think avoiding the stores is going to save you. As you sit there watching TV, your iPad will be sending out not-so-subtle hints in the form of innocent-looking emails which, once opened, you embark upon the point of no return as they suck you in with that magical 60% off! You’re in a trance as you hit the ‘Shop Now’ button - and then you can kiss goodbye to all your good intentions as your PayPal account takes a hammering!
With the New Year already started - it’s time to get the show back on the road - it’s time to get your schizzle together and resume normal life. A detox of the wardrobe is a pretty good place to start - pack away the sequins and glitter and rediscover some hidden treasures that are crying out to be resurrected! Another essential declutter at this time of year is the photo app on your mobile phone especially after *that* staff Christmas party! You need to be particularly brutal - anything remotely unflattering or potentially embarrassing needs to go - NOW - before it’s too late. And incriminating...
If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again. The jeans you bought in the sale that had no chance of fitting you at this present time are currently stuck midway between your knees and thighs. You’re panicking and sweating and the circulation is being cut off as the jeans become tighter and tighter! What a dilemma! Do you call for help or struggle on alone? It’s not the most flattering position to be caught in - so, take a deep breath and prepare for battle! Treat this as an exercise session and push and pull as hard as you can. Each time you get them off, pull them back on, but aim for another inch higher. Repeat this sequence several times.
Your loyalty could be put to the test if you suspect others are taking advantage of your generosity. You are more than happy to share out any unwanted/duplicate Christmas gifts you’ve received or even set up a swap shop or ‘swish’ amongst friends, which could result in the acquisition of some very nifty clothes and accessories - a genius idea on your behalf! HOWEVER - when friends at work have the audacity to blatantly raid your ‘sweetie stash’ (which was well hidden - or so you thought), well that’s just bad manners and simply not on! Do they really want to unleash the beast?! #CookieMonster
A scary, anxious and empty feeling descends as you pluck the last, lonely Malteser that’s stuck to the bottom of the box. As you devour that little ball of deliciousness you lament that the only balls you’ll be getting up close and personal to are of the gym variety! But fear not - as you perfect those stomach crunches #DidSomeoneSayCrunchie?! - think how amazing you’re going to look as you strut to the corner shop, wearing your tightest jeans and purchase your fun size bag of those wonderful honeycomb balls. Well you do deserve a little treat now and then!