Just as a horoscope is a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth - and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at emmaheaven.com have decided to consult with the Fashion gods (yes they do really exist) to see what fashion and beauty looks are essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘fashionscope’ may result in us calling the fashion police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the mick out of yourself and your wardrobe!
Fashion and beauty should be fun - life’s way too short, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
You may be fed up of talking about the imminent ‘Christmas office party’, but get used to it sweetie! There are a lot of excited people who think this annual ‘p*ss up’ is THE most important engagement in their diaries! AND it monopolises almost ALL of the conversation from November through to February - and possibly dragged out until Easter, depending how salacious the gossip from the party is. This will be based upon details such as, who got obliterated, or who got caught out doing something with someone they shouldn’t have!? And shock horror - who wore the most tragic of outfits - a terrible crime in your eyes, even more embarrassing than if they’d Instagrammed their butt and tagged the boss!!!
All forms of communication are stressing you out lately and this is the perfect time to have a complete detox from social media and join the land of the living. Yes it’s all well and good to update your friends with a witty status or your latest selfie (which took you at least an hour and around 95 shots to get the perfect one!) HOWEVER - it’s all BS. It’s not real life sweetie and it’s not half as much fun as getting dressed up to go OUT and meet the girls for a drink or two, or three, or four (we don’t judge!) and have a REAL conversation face to face IRL! Warning: You should heed this advice all year round and not just at Christmas.
This should be a time of home improvements, but let’s get real sweetie. Who has that amount of time on their hands with Christmas approaching!? Do what any sensible fashionista would do at this time of year. Park that mood board, and buy lots of sophisticated Christmas decorations, making sure your home looks festive, classy and divine darling! That way you buy yourself an extra few weeks before you really do make your home look fabulous, new and vibrant again and just screams MAKEOVER!! (The one word guaranteed to make your heart skip a beat and put your blood pressure off the Richter scale!) Save yourself and your hard earned pennies for the SALES! And that sweetie is the Triple Crown - New Year, New Home, New You.
There is a lot to reflect on as Christmas and New Year approaches. Have you been a good girl this year and will Santa bring you lots of presents? FFS!!! Santa doesn’t exist sweetie and the only one who is going to buy you that coveted Dior handbag you’ve drooled over for the last four months is you!!! SO, let’s get serious. Can you afford it? If yes, well CONGRATULATIONS from us sweetie and have a wonderful Christmas showing it off. If not, then tough sh*t! We know life can be a bitch at times, HOWEVER if you want something bad enough then you have to work/save harder to get it. And if that doesn’t work, we suggest lots of prosecco! (Life always seems better with a little fizz in it!) #WorkHardDreamBig
In theory you should be all set, ready for the Christmas party season. All outfits will already be assembled and accessorised and hung up, ready to be worn. The reality is - that’s already been done, but don’t get too complacent just yet! What about ALTERNATIVES? Oh yes sweetie - have you even factored those in?! Imagine shock horror that you find out someone is going to be wearing the exact same outfit as you? That is one embarrassing moment that you will never fully recover from. Trust us! Well sweetie if you channel your inner Girl Guide and are well prepared, there will be no need to take this problem to Defcon 4 - just make sure you have SEVERAL backup outfits that are simply to die for and the festive season will be a complete triumph!
Your fantasy for the perfect Christmas is just that - a fantasy! The perfect Christmas doesn’t exist. Believe us sweetie when we say stop trying for this unattainable mirage, as you’ll save yourself a lot of time, effort and inevitable heartache in the process. Most normal people only get through the festive season supported by that good old faithful friend - fizz! There’s only so much crap you can tolerate when you’re stone cold sober. So we strongly recommend stocking up on an obscene amount of bubbles (the alcoholic variety) and a good set of earphones to plug yourself into your iPad whenever necessary.
By rights you should have settled last year’s ‘around the Christmas dinner table fiasco’ by now. HOWEVER, you are stubborn and refuse to back down when you’re right and, if you’re being honest - when are you wrong?! So you can approach this year one of two ways. #1. Address the situation and say that you should all agree to disagree; forget it, move on and be merry! Or #2. Ignore the situation completely and if someone has the audacity to bring it up then just feign ignorance - you can’t possibly remember such details with all the alcohol you consumed last year! After all, you are a complete diva most of the time so why change the habit of a lifetime?!
Any arguments should be conducted in a civilised manner - well it is Christmas and the season of goodwill to all men blah, blah, blah...AND can you really be bothered to cause World War 3 when you only have to see these people once, maybe twice a year?! Ever heard of the expression ‘adopt the British stiff upper lip’? Well sweetie - Google, read, process and retain this valuable information as it will almost DEFINITELY be called upon when you and your nearest and dearest get together. And if this fails - we strongly recommend that the tide never goes out in your glass! Keep it topped up with your favourite tipple at all times so that the day passes by with a warm and hazy atmosphere.
It’s crucial that you just go with the flow this month or else you just might lose the will to live. Christmas is an arduous affair and only the fittest survive! So here’s a heads up. If you don’t want to end up a gibbering mess in the corner nursing your brandy glass like your life depends on it, then get with the programme! Christmas is meant to be a happy time spent with loved ones (and family!), season’s greetings and all that crap! So paint on that happy face, think happy thoughts and just imagine the simply fabulous time you’re going to have when it’s all over and you’re able to sit down in a peaceful and calm environment where you can shop til you drop that iPad on the bed and collapse with a big Cheshire cat grin of satisfaction on your face!
Remove any existing barriers, throw caution to the wind and spend, spend, SPEND. It’s Christmas - a time to be frivolous and generous to loved ones and YES this does include you! You love YOU and YOU love treating YOU! But most importantly YOU know what YOU really want and there’s no fear of YOU handing YOU a gift that YOU either have to pretend to like, or pray that the receipt has been left in the bag! It’s a win win situation! So what are YOU waiting for. Make your Christmas shopping list (for YOU, not Santa!) and start the Christmas shopping spree NOW! Merry Christmas YOU…
You may be attracted to changing up your routine this Christmas and where we would usually advise caution, we can confidently say - GO FOR IT!!! Change is good for you because if you always do what you always did then you’re only going to get what you’ve always got. And you do NOT want your life to become that predictable. IN FACT we firmly believe that the only predictable things you should do at Christmas is eat far too much and drink to the point where you pretend that a unit of alcohol has been adjusted to allow for the festive period high consumption and you convince yourself into the “it contains grapes so it’s one of my five a day” mantra! A unit of alcohol is like ‘dog years’. Perhaps that’s why it’s called #HairOfTheDog...
This month you should receive a bunch of invitations to various events, so you need to weed out the good ones. There’s no use wasting time, effort and a fabulous outfit on any old shindig sweetie, so be ruthless! There has to be a certain element of glamour and razzamatazz linked to said event if it’s going to warrant you putting in an appearance - so do your homework and find out the essential details: venue, guest list (no point spending an evening with people you don’t like!), refreshments (nibbles? or even better, a free bar?) and obviously the most important factor - what is the DRESS CODE? After all - what makes an amazing party sweetie? Well you, obviously!