Just as a horoscope is a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth - and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at emmaheaven.com have decided to consult with the Fashion gods (yes they do really exist) to see what fashion and beauty looks are essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘fashionscope’ may result in us calling the fashion police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the mick out of yourself and your wardrobe!
Fashion and beauty should be fun - life’s way too short, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
However brilliant you think this idea is - the ‘Fashion Gods’ strongly advise you to keep this idea to yourself - in fact they insist! the ONLY time you will ever need to wear shoes with knee high socks is in school - and maybe, just ever so occasionally, a designer or two will throw this look down the runway - but don’t be fooled - mere mortals cannot pull this look off! So even if you want to channel your ‘inner Britney’ (socks & pigtails) - please remember - a fancy dress event is your ONLY option if you want to fill your Christmas stockings!!!
Friends may cut corners - but you must not allow yourself to be tempted - do things properly, or don’t do them at all! With this mantra in mind - you’re going to go all out on sparkly accessories for the festive season. Your weapon of choice - earrings. But not just any old earrings - you want crystals and jewels adorning your earlobes - decadent and totally gaudy, over-the-top, jingle bell ringing and blinging, swinging chandeliers - so big, they could even give Pat Butcher or Lady Gaga a run for their money!
If you are extremely sensitive to criticism - don’t bite back - don’t say anything too outrageous or something you may regret - but if you do, don’t worry, it’s not the end of the world! People just don’t understand your overwhelming desire to embrace deely or bonce boppers (please Google if you haven’t a clue what we’re talking about). Who isn’t partial to a #Throwback?! They were HUGE - in every sense! - in the 80’s and it is Christmas after all - a time for parties and outrageous attire! And the options are endless - you can have glitter balls and bows - you could even dress them with mistletoe which means endless snogging opportunities! And you’ll start a new trend!
With all the sparkly fashion items on sale at this time of year, your desire to splurge on material goodies shows no sign of slowing down, so much so that if you don’t stop soon, not only will you end up with physical and financial exhaustion - you’ll also have purchased more Christmas party clothes and accessories than is humanly possible to wear! Normally we would caution to not wear them all at once - the expression ‘dressed up like a dog’s dinner’ springs to mind - however this goes out of the window as it’s Christmas and you get a free pass! If you can’t go overboard during the festive season when can you? Embrace and be a walking, talking, tinsel-tastic Christmas tree.
This month relationships are never far from your thoughts. Good relationships - when a loved one gives you such a thoughtful gift it melts your insides and you go all mushy - or - Bad relationships - when a bitchy female relative (and we have ALL got one of those!) presents you with such a hideously, ugly scarf - you couldn’t even bring yourself to use it as a duster as even the dust would be horrified to end up in its offending fibres! Remember - just style it out sweetie and get planning next year’s Christmas gifts. Revenge is a dish best served cold! Another mint (bah) humbug anyone?!
You might want to escape the frenzy of Christmas shopping with a last minute exotic holiday. You dream of the sun, turquoise waters, white sand, and sipping cocktails. Unfortunately your reality is the cold UK, as your bank balance/work/family commitments won’t allow such decadence. Champagne tastes. Cider money… Ditch the mistletoe and w(h)ine. So make do! Just turn the heating up to maximum - put on a pair of shorts or a sparkly sarong - sit in front of your marine fish tank (optional) - play some reggae music, sit back and relax with a large pina colada (frozen to perfection from Tesco!) and your iPad - Christmas shopping at its best!
You could possibly get carried away or you may even be deluded if you think your significant other has been paying attention when you’ve been dropping not so subtle hints about that must-have handbag you’ve been coveting for the last six months. Let us tell you now - sack that idea - your not so subtle hint, unless it’s attached to an atom bomb will not even detonate on the surface of his brain! So do both yoursELVES a favour which will inevitably save you from pulling a mini tantrum on Christmas morning. Give him a list of pre-approved gifts you desire and let him pick one. It will still be a surprise and you get what you want - not something he picked up last minute! Just make sure he doesn’t go off-piste or off list!
Be careful not to get roped into dubious financial deals - and at this time of year, everyone knows what we’re talking about. That awful office Christmas present giving tradition - Secret Santa - a complete waste of time, effort and money! It’s inevitable that you’ll end up with a boring scarf or a pair of Christmas socks - but secretly delight in the idea of spicing up this year’s stash of useless gifts by being daring and naughty - throw in a sex toy or a pair of edible undies - that’ll get the office gossip going - plus it’s payback for wasting precious money from your alcohol fund. And those chocolate coins aren’t worth diddly squat!
Obstacles that you have ignored are starting to rear their ugly heads and you are now engulfed in a terrifying fear that’s so bad, you’re losing sleep - Christmas day spent with the family - and how to get out of it! But figuring out a plausible excuse is proving a tad difficult. You’re thinking - a fake illness (can you still contract bubonic plague in this day and age?) or perhaps a work conference in Outer Mongolia? Be brave and be bold - put on a fabulous outfit and accessorise with more glitter than the Christmas tree - if you’re going down with this ship - you may as well look fabulous as you sink! And whilst you’re at it, pour yourself a large enough drink to hold an iceberg!
Even though you know you should be budgeting your money wisely to make sure you survive that time of year we all dread - the money wilderness that is January - the Christmas party beckons and that means one thing - a ridiculously expensive outfit that’s attention grabbing (we’re talking serious sex siren or glamourous movie star here, not the Virgin Mary). Just think slinky, sparkling dress where you can strut your stuff in a hip to toe split, a la Angelina Jolie, indulging in many attention grabbing, leg-bombing opportunities! Not even the sky or thigh is the limit! Practice makes perfect - so start developing your leg-bombing moments now!!!
As the Christmas party season approaches and you lament the prospect of a being a single lady at the office party - be cautious and make sure you’re always one gin away from ruining that perfectly applied makeup, which literally took hours to achieve - or it will end up sliding off your face faster than Lewis Hamilton racing around Monaco! No listening to sad songs or crying like a big baby is allowed. You don’t need a man - or Three Wise Men - to define you - hell you’re packing waterproof mascara and fashionistas always look impeccable. Stay single and strong!
Ho Ho Ho - who’s been eating all the pies? Seriously - that’s not something you want to hear come January - so pace yourself over the festive period! Quality Street for breakfast sounds good in theory - however, once you’ve troughed all the green triangles by 9.30am - it’s a slippery slope from there onwards and you’ll find yourself knee deep in empty wrappers, drowning in self pity as you contemplate the next few weeks in elasticated trousers - a tragedy that can be avoided if you act sooner rather than later!!! And no one wants to look like the Big Purple One!