Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much…!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods – yes they do really exist – to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it – or ourselves – too seriously!
Virgo
Following an unusually hot summer in Blighty you’re ready to embrace autumn, a season where the scenery changes dramatically starting with the beautiful changing colours of the trees and foliage and ending with bare branches very reminiscent of your out-of-character naughty behaviour during long hot summer nights where your beautifully coloured clothing was discarded item by item as you lost your inhibitions (nothing to do with the enormous quantity of cocktails you downed honestly!), until your body was almost as bare and unsightly as those tree branches. To say you made a complete tw@ of yourself is putting it mildly, and going viral that way was not on your summer wish list! Mortification complete, we sincerely hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson and thus going forward, you keep your bloody clothes on! #StayClassy
Libra
Did you experience a summer of lust, a summer of love, or a summer of no f*cking romance whatsoever? The answer to that compelling question will determine how you attack the coming autumn months. If you experienced lust, do you want more lust, more no-strings-attached hanky-panky, or are you looking for love? If you experienced love, do you want to hold onto it with both hands and never bloody let go? If you were one of the unlucky f*ckers who experienced absolutely nada in the lust/love department, then you have two options. Number 1: Put yourself out there and go after what you want – all guns blazing until you achieve your goal. OR, sit and fester, lustless and loveless, alone. The ball is in your court sweetie and how you play the game will determine the outcome! #WinnerOrLoser
Scorpio
Finally ‘tis the season where you get to extract your boots from the darkest recesses of the wardrobe where they were discarded when the sun actually made an appearance and the UK was bloody well hot for months! Who’d have thunk it? Now they are ready to make a victorious comeback and decorate your feet once more. So Scorpio – what boots do you favour? Kinky boots, killer boots, kicker boots, boots that make you look like a knob, or boots that make you feel fabulous. Just remember sweetie, that boots are made for walking and if those little tootsies are crammed uncomfortably inside then you’re going to end up with unsightly and painful blisters thus forcing said tootsies into comfy slippers or heaven forbid – fecking Crocs! #GoodFootcareEssential
Sagittarius
Wake the feck up Sagittarius before life passes you by. You’ve been walking around in a bloody daze and your ‘can’t see the wood for the trees’ attitude has quite frankly been utterly terrifying. FFS get your head out of your arse before family intervention is urgently required in order to pull you out of this stupor before all hope is lost and you remain a complete tw@spangle for the foreseeable future! Take off the ‘I’m an oblivious numpty’ spectacles and actually witness what’s happening in front of your nose! Maybe then sweetie you’ll stop walking into situations where people manipulate you, walk all over you, and take the pi$$ out of you to boot! #WakeyWakey
Capricorn
Your summer beach body has stayed intact not because you’ve diligently exercised and chosen the healthy options on the menu sweetie, but because the weather has been so freaking hot you’ve had absolutely no appetite whatsoever, OR, if you have managed to nibble on some cold delicacies, you’ve melted the calories out in a pool of perspiration! Now before you congratulate yourself profusely, remember that autumn has arrived and the weather will turn bloody colder, whether you like it or not and with that comes the inevitable stodgy, comfort food menu that is impossible to resist and those pesky calories will stack up fast. Failure to keep your greedy gut monster under control will most definitely lead to your fat ass making a rather unwelcome and unsightly return! #LearnSomeSelfControl
Aquarius
Your OTT grand plans for the summer have crashed and burned and had you not shot your big mouth off about how amazing everything was going to pan out and how you were going to be a big success then maybe you wouldn’t have to shut up and put up with the onslaught of pi$$ taking coming your way! Boy oh boy have your hasty, very loud and very public declarations badly backfired! Now you have to suffer the consequences of your bull$hit bragging so suck it up sweetie as you’re about to become the butt of many a joke amongst your inner circle and quite frankly – you deserve it! A little humility goes a long way and maybe the next time you want to make such bold statements, you make sure there is a distinct possibility that they will actually come to fruition! #ThinkBeforeYouBrag
Pisces
You’re so sick and tired of being surrounded by bull$hit artists who spew pure unadulterated crap EVERY. SINGLE. FECKING. TIME. they open their mouths! It’s absolutely f*cking exhausting, so much so, you’re currently suffering from FFF – fakery, fantasists & fatigue – and the only appropriate and humane solution is to force these moronic dimwits into undertaking a complete personality transplant with the desired outcome being the production of a semi-decent human being! You can but dream, sweetie, however, let’s be totally realistic here. The chances of that happening are remote, so the only option currently open to you would be to banish these cockwombles from your life completely! #AndBreathe
Aries
You can run Aries, but you can’t hide! It’s time to put on your big boy/girl pants and own your f*ck ups. For far too long you’ve been in complete denial, blaming anyone and everyone for everything that’s gone wrong in your life except the one person who’s been at the helm and in control of it all – YOU! Taking the first step of admitting there’s something wrong is a big deal, however, it’s a bit like ripping off a plaster – it will friggin hurt like hell for a few moments but then the pain will gradually fade! Just imagine how good you will feel when you rip that bloody plaster off and the initial fleeting ‘ouch moment’ f*cks off for good?! You’ll be on the road to recovery in no time, sweetie, and life will definitely get better. #ShortTermPainLongTermGain
Taurus
Stop wrapping yourself up in cotton wool, Taurus! You need to be more bullish and not a fragile snowflake worried about getting hurt! We can absolutely guarantee you won’t break into a million pieces should you happen upon some hurty words online, and if you do, quite frankly, you need to grow the f*ck up along with growing a backbone! Nobody has the divine right to live life unoffended 24/7 and if you get offended by anything and everything, then we strongly suggest you get the f*ck off social media which although in all honesty, can be akin to the Wild West at times, it is still a place of free speech and expression, AND more importantly, social media comes with a genius function; if you don’t like something you have the ability to scroll past it without feeling the need to respond or have a friggin mammoth meltdown in the process! #TimeToUnplug
Gemini
Congratulations Gemini, the targets you set for the summer months have been achieved and so now while you have such momentum it’s time to make a plan and set your autumn goals. The euphoric feeling you experienced as you watched your successes come to fruition was such a powerful one that you want to emulate it once more. What an aphrodisiac! But why stop at once more sweetie? Now you have a taste for glory, keep bloody going we say! Expand your mind and dream big, put your heart and soul into every endeavour and you will find that you have the talent required to turn every project into a raging success, almost like you have the Midas touch…and who doesn’t love a bit of gold? #OnAWinningStreak
Cancer
The rot undoubtedly set in when you thought you were entitled to your 15 minutes of fame, regardless of putting in a hard day’s work or having any sort of talent whatsoever, however, the problem stems from the fact that you are prepared to act like a complete tw@ in order to achieve it. Going viral for all the wrong reasons is about as low as you can go, but go there you will sweetie in your mad quest for fortune and glory. You’ll embarrass yourself by talking crap, acting badly and foisting your moronic opinions on a poor, unsuspecting public in order to identify as a big star. The only thing we guarantee you’ll identify as is a narcissist, a fantasist and a monumental tw@spangle! #ProceedWithCaution
Leo
You absolutely adore the autumn because two of your favourite events take place…Hallowe’en and Guy Fawkes/Bonfire Night, only this year Leo, please resist the urge to ignite your very own fireworks display at the event thus blowing up the party atmosphere and causing the mother of all family explosions! Even if people pi$$ you off, do not rise to the bait. Keep your cool and do not let them antagonise you and remember to respectfully decline being drawn into their pointless OTT, childish drama! If this fails and you lose your $hit in spectacular style – stick their big, conceited Humpty Dumpty heads into the rotting, smelly pumpkin, still sat festering outside the back door, and left over from Hallowe’en. #DontSufferFoolsLightly