Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much…!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods – yes they do really exist – to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it – or ourselves – too seriously!
Gemini
Tie up all loose ends before you get ready to embrace the summer season and take advantage of every single invite that comes your way. That social calendar of yours needs to be completely vacant in anticipation of it filling up with garden parties, barbecues, road trips and at least one big shindig on the beach…and don’t be f*cking precious, sweetie. Any beach will do! Even if you can’t afford the Caribbean or some Mediterranean hotspot, there are some charming seaside beaches in good old Blighty, honestly! And on the plus side, at least you haven’t been forced to sell a kidney, go cap in hand to the ‘rents or, heaven forbid, plan an elaborate bank heist. Better to be self-sufficient, debt-free, and not needing to go into hiding from the bailiffs! #LearnToLiveWithinYourMeans
Cancer
You’re strutting around like Billy Big Bollocks (technical term), when in fact, sweetie, your life is one big cluster f*ck! It’s time to be honest with yourself and face the glaring reality of just how much your life fecking sucks; and then, when you accept those brutal facts you have the perfect opportunity to change your life for the better. The way forward begins with a massive overhaul of your lifestyle, and that translates into you going nuclear and lobbing a grenade which completely blows your old life into smithereens – and then you can start rebuilding it from the ground up. Only this time, sweetie, try not to f*ck it up in spectacular style AGAIN! #OutWithTheOldAndInWithTheNew
Leo
Welcome to the summer of love, but with a difference! The love in question is your career. You need to nurture this love because you have to work in order to live. No money = no life. So with that in mind, Leo, you need to have a job that you love so it doesn’t seem like a chore, hauling your lazy butt out of bed and clocking on. Find a job that’s fulfilling, rewarding, and pays you a good wage. Obviously it goes without saying that earning a $hit tonne of money would be the cherry on top of the cake, however, it’s more realistic to accept that the seriously big wonga takes time and effort, and being a realist! That means sweetie, any dreams of being a millionaire influencer is pie-in-the-sky bull$hit! #LiveInTheRealWorld
Virgo
Distant horizons tantalisingly beckon you, so shuffle on down to your local travel agent or, alternatively, pour yourself a large G & T (other alcoholic drinks are available), and peruse the internet to find a fabulous deal in some exotic location that will help to recharge your batteries which are almost running on empty! F*ck the expense! You deserve it. What is the point of working hard and watching the pennies as you stash your cash in a high-interest savings account ready to plunder when the appropriate time comes?! The beach is calling sweetie, so answer it promptly and make that date a firm fixture in your diary. #TravelBroadensTheMind
Libra
Your newly acquired “don’t f*ck with me” attitude is your superpower, so use that strength to your advantage, thus making sure nothing or nobody can pull the wool over your eyes. For far too long you have been a pathetic pushover; however, you have finally woken from that silly slumber with a rather strong whiff of coffee and taken off the rose-tinted glasses to see the people and the world around you in all its technicolour glory – or should that be gory?! From this day forward, you will give as good as you get and then some! Now erect that ‘approach at your own risk’ sign and live your life to its fullest. #EmbraceChange
Scorpio
There is a particular partnership that requires more than a little TLC – in fact, you could say it’s on life support, and unless you put in some mega effort to revive it and restore it to full health, it’s going to die an unfortunate death. This potentially explosive situation will blow up in spectacular style unless you extinguish it fast! This is a timely reminder that you cannot behave like an arrogant tw@ and keep getting away with such appalling behaviour. It’s time to take a step back, sweetie, and try finding a fecking shred of empathy instead of being an emotionless cockwomble, otherwise you will end up friendless and alone! #ActionsHaveConsequences
Sagittarius
The warm weather has finally turned up and that is the signal for unwrapping your body from the multiple protective layers of clothing that it’s been encased in since last year. This means that you have to expose your saggy, dimpled, pale body to the big orange ball in the sky in order to get that much-needed vitamin D. Be brave, sweetie and celebrate those pale bits. It’s just like a plaster – pull it off quickly and get the pain out of the way in one fell swoop! Prolonging the agony by releasing one set of limbs at a time will just amplify your anxiety, sending you into a tailspin, and nobody wants to witness your anguish at full throttle nor get blinded by your bright white skin! #SunglassesMayBeRequired
Capricorn
Passion is the name of the game and we don’t necessarily mean hot and heavy, horizontal hanky-panky sweetie! We’re talking about a burning passion for travel, or a secret passion for reading Shakespeare, a passion for Korean cuisine, or just about anything you could possibly get passionate about! It’s all about having strong feelings and beliefs and not being a bloody boring wet wipe. Find something new and interesting to consume you, so you’re not having to make do entertaining yourself with yet another box set on Netflix that you’ve watched so many times you could actually recite the script from memory and act it out with aplomb! #FindYourPassion
Aquarius
This summer is all about reconnecting with family and friends who have been neglected recently. Although this wasn’t a conscious act sweetie, it’s time to embrace friendships and relationships because you need that sense of belonging before you drift too much towards a life of loneliness and solitude, or before you turn into a boring, anti-social, old fart. Rediscovering your social mojo is just the ticket to a fun summer amongst your nearest and dearest, who no longer have to despair about you morphing into the human version of Squidward Tentacles! F*ck peace and quiet – release your inner party animal! #PeoplePower
Pisces
You’re running on empty so perhaps the time is right to slow down, take some time out and focus on your health in order to recharge your batteries before you crash and burn, rendering you obsolete – or as the saying goes, ‘of no use nor ornament’. Summer is the perfect time to work on your fitness and overall wellbeing, sweetie. Think freshly squeezed fruit juices, healthy salads and barbecues on the beach, a bracing swim in the sea, and a relaxing walk along the shore, feeling the sand between your toes – and then having to hoover it out of the car for the next friggin’ month because that bloody stuff gets absolutely everywhere! #TheSimplePleasuresInLife
Aries
Get your friggin’ head out of the clouds and pay attention to what’s going on around you before you get walked over again! There are so many sneaky barstuds in your midst who would think absolutely nothing of stabbing you in the back in order to get ahead! These poor excuses for human beings are a complete waste of space and the quicker you banish them from your life, the better and more harmonious your surroundings will become. Do NOT hide away, adopting a victim mentality. Grow a pair and face up to these nasty f*ckers, delivering them a no-nonsense f*ck you message both you and them won’t forget in a hurry! #StandUpForYourself
Taurus
Transformation is the key to having a glorious summer, and that is achieved by escaping the shackles that have held you back for so long. Now is the time to be brave and bold, sweetie – to transform yourself from a boring, stay-at-home hermit into a fabulous, fun social butterfly. You will finally get off your ar$e and rise from the sofa like a phoenix from the ashes. It will be a glorious sight to behold. Your family will cheer from the sidelines and breathe a huge sigh of relief that you are finally rejoining the land of the living and that you’re doing it off your own back, rather than being forced kicking and screaming at friggin’ gun point. #ChangeIsGonnaCome
