Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!
I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.
My darling readers, it seems like such a long time since we last spoke, however, do not fear, Lady P is here to indulge you with witty words, wisdom, and reminiscent of this summer issue’s theme 11:11. Just look upon me as an angel sent to guide you on the right path. And what precisely is that path?!
Dita’s Divine Intervention – a guide to having the most amazing summer. So, stock up on the SPF and cocktails, as one is about to introduce you to one’s most X-cellent summer guide, which has the X-factor and will almost certainly be X-rated!
Has it suddenly gotten very hot around here?!
Let’s raise the temperature some more!
Social Calendar: The key to having the best summer ever starts with an impressive social calendar with a smorgasbord of events from garden parties (with hopefully at least one invite to the palace included), barbecues on the beach (obviously with a hot alpha male grilling his meat to perfection), a weekend dancing in Ibiza clubs (who doesn’t love to bump and grind in hot dark places with a thumping good beat?), a tropical destination (essential for topping up one’s tan, immersing oneself in the hedonistic world of erotic fiction whilst appreciating nature in all its glory), picnics in the park (in support of Pimm’s which only seems to be drunk at this time of year), plus throwing in a few city breaks (for a little culture and more importantly a chance to peruse the multitude of designer boutiques), and you have the recipe for the most divine and delicious season ahead.
The Correct Attire: Your outfit is your armour, so don’t give anyone any excuse to look down on you, snipe behind your back or provide the NBB (Nasty Bitch Brigade) with ammunition to attack you and your character for the remainder of the year. Always be well turned out and age-appropriate. We all want to be forever young; however, my darlings this is folly as unfortunately no one can fight the ageing process – perhaps except for Cher. Is she even human? One does have to question it as she seems remarkably well-preserved for such a grand old age.
When you arrive looking fabulously classy and sophisticated, heads will turn for all the right reasons, thus rendering the NBB irrelevant and obsolete. Hopefully, they’ll crawl back to their miserable existence.
Creating Your Very Own Glossy Posse: See above for who you need to avoid and remember that inner-circle membership requires complete loyalty, devotion, and a need to fiercely defend and protect each other. You want a tight-knit group of like-minded individuals who want to have fun, live life to the full, and have no desire to cause trouble, get involved in petty, pointless arguments and most certainly have no intentions whatsoever of starting a war of words on social media with wannabe influencers who think the world revolves around them and their make-believe lives. Live in the real world my fabulous readers, and have real experiences, real relationships, and make some wonderful memories.
Wing women: There’s no harm in a little flirting, a possible holiday romance, or even falling head over heels in love; however, when looking at either one or all of the above options, it is essential to have a wing woman by your side. Hopefully they will be on standby, ready to jump in should you make any bad decisions that could lead to catastrophic consequences, especially when under the influence of alcohol or delusions of love. Drink and flirt responsibly, my fabulous readers – your actions could have consequences! Talking of which, see my note to the Team Heaven gals…
A summer of love or lust? Well, that, my darlings, is entirely up to you. Enjoy the sunshine, being outdoors, partying, and feeling free, and one will be back in the autumn with more of this girl’s pearls of wisdom.
Toodle pip…
***Note to Team Heaven gals***
More rumblings from my sources…
A Cautionary Tale: Speaking of inner circles and loyalty, one only has to glance across the Atlantic at a certain ginger prince and his entrepreneurial missus to see what happens when you trade real-world sophistication for the hollow praise of (paid-for?) influencers. If only he’d had access to my pearls of wisdom and they had stayed within a tight-knit enclave rather than launching Insta-pic passive-aggressions… It really is a tragic spectacle!
Take note, readers: when you isolate yourself from your true allies, trading your last few breadcrumbs of dignity in exchange for a ‘lifestyle’ brand, and let your wing-woman lead you from one failed, catastrophic public relations disaster to another, you won’t get the X-factor – you simply become irrelevant and get the ‘ex factor’. A Haz-been if you will…
Don’t let your summer romance turn into a transatlantic melodrama like theirs – well, not unless you want to become rapidly estranged from your nearest and dearest.