Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!
I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.
Greetings my darling readers – and oh what fun one has had with the ‘Swamped’ theme of this latest [long-awaited] issue!
Now my darlings, let’s be absolutely crystal clear here – one doesn’t do murky old swamps and one would never dream of becoming an ugly old swamp monster!
However, with this in mind, one had a novel idea to change the swamp concept into one’s very own Room 101, where all the things one loathes can be banished – hopefully for all of eternity!
P.S. If there are any TV programme makers out there, I’d like to think that I’d make a rather fabulous TV show hostess with the mostest!
Are you ready for the door to Dita’s Room 101 to be prised open?
Strap in and buckle up my darling readers – you could be in for a bumpy ride!
You’ve probably already guessed the first entry to be consigned to this room for eternal banishment. But one makes zero apologies as one indelicately boots this treacherous pair of traitors through Room 101’s doors, where they will no longer spout their ‘truth’, aka absolute nonsense, to the highest bidder.
No self-respecting royal washes their dirty laundry in public’ – or if they do, as one disgraced former Prince tried to, by ‘whitewashing’ it – they tend to subscribe to the Firm’s unofficial family motto of ‘never complain, never explain’. In Room 101, this hapless, whinging prince and his social-climbing, former Z list, cable TV actress wife can peddle their wares of overpriced and overhyped preserves, and lacklustre personalities to the other sad remnants of society, whom they’ll jostle with in this crowded room. In here, they can continue to spout their meaningless word salad in what will become their own echo chamber, whilst tormenting their fellow occupants!
Tho judging by their recent ‘no photos’ plea after a certain reality tv family’s shindig, they’ll be cancelling themselves at this rate, without any help from yours truly consigning them to social Siberia! It won’t be long before any self-respecting person, of ANY calibre, will want to extend an invite to this deluded duo and their boorish baggage of self-importance.
Next up on the list to get the Dita boot into Room 101 are bitchy journalists, aka the smiling assassins as one’s glossy posse has so diplomatically named them. These nasty people are so nauseatingly charming to your face, patting you on the back, whilst looking for somewhere to stick the knife and then later, via a keyboard – their cowardly weapon of choice – write a malicious exposé – a poisonous piece intended to wound, humiliate and destroy!
Off you pop my ‘lovelies’ and go reside beside life’s other horrible humans!
Another group to be shown the door are men who openly brag about their prowess as a lover, when in reality, they couldn’t find a woman’s erogenous zones even if they were given a map, compass, satnav and verbal instructions come to that! Then again, is there actually a man alive who will stop to ask for directions when lost whilst driving?!? Hmmmm. One to ponder, and I’m sorry to have digressed…
Us ladies are not interested in a ‘wham, bam, thank you, mam!’ We’re looking for powerful mutual attraction with electric sexual chemistry, where sparks fly and the earth moves for both of us! Just because he might look good dangling off your arm ladies, remember: selfish lovers are neither of use nor ornament! Abstinence is preferable!
Last in the ‘people category’ to be consigned to Room 101, are the two-faced friends, especially those who are overly fond of telling the world that they’re a ‘girl’s girl’.
If they actually took a moment to find out its actual meaning, they would learn that a ‘girl’s girl’ is someone who is supportive and uplifting of other women, viewing them as comrades rather than competitors!
In reality, she’s more than likely a mean girl: intentionally unkind and often uses relational aggression, such as gossip, social exclusion and manipulation to hurt others or maintain her own social standing. Nobody wants a jealous narcissist in their circle of trust, so be careful who you invite into your midst.
Now that we have this ghastly group of people taking up their well-deserved residence in my Room 101, let’s have a little fun and bestow some other ghastly nasties upon them!
First up, I wish upon them the great British weather, especially at the moment where it is persistently raining cats and dogs! They can ‘enjoy’ the misery of getting cold and wet – misery loves company, even if it doesn’t love grey skies.
For sustenance, they can dine upon jellied eels and Brussels sprouts which conjure up some awful memories.
The eels were an unfortunate dare when the glossy posse visited the East End of London for an evening inspired by the notorious Kray twins! Meanwhile, the sprouts produce disturbing flashbacks to one’s time at boarding school, being made to sit there for hours by the unforgiving staff, until every last soggy cold sprout was eaten!
And to wash down all of this delightful smorgasbord, I will throw in for good measure, some cocktails – i.e. the unpalatable ‘Smokers Cough’ cocktail. I’m reliably informed by a younger member of my family, that this is a disgusting combo of Jäegermeister and mayonnaise! This bilious concoction is not for the faint hearted and if you happen to have a bad gag reflex, then my advice to you darling readers would be to give this drink a very wide berth – it is beyond ghastly!
So I say to the newly imprisoned residents in Room 101, brollies at the ready, bon appetit, bonne chance and cheers! Clink…
Toddle pip my lovelies.
*** P.S. Note to Team Heaven gals***
One was going to consign ‘Christmas’ to Room 101, as one is already heartily sick and tired of the festive season. One was aghast to have seen mince pies on sale back in flipping August! However, one has a reputation to uphold, and one couldn’t possibly have the ‘humbug’ tag around one’s neck, especially a bon viveur such as oneself…
Instead, one is going to have to dig deep, and assiduously avoid hitting the shops, to be spared the tinselled tat and ‘Whamageddon’ Although one does have her eye on a rather spendy coffee machine, but isn’t that what Black Fridays are for? Non? And with Daddy reading this over one’s shoulder, he is BEYOND delighted that his credit card will be saved a battering by one’s self-imposed Christmas exile.
See you in the new year Team HQ – I’m already counting down the days til the 2nd of January, when life hopefully returns to (relative) normality!!