Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!
I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.
My darling readers, this month’s issue is all about being ‘Wanted’ – one had to ponder on that theme for quite some time as one was confused as to which way this piece could or should go…
Did I want to pursue the subject of being wanted in a good way or in a bad way?
Therefore, as this dilemma was proving to be most exhausting to try and reconcile, one decided to do both! After all, it is a Lady’s prerogative to entertain both options, n’est-ce pas?
Let us take a look at the ‘bad’ first, to get the negative out of the way and so we can end on a high! Here is Lady P’s Least and Most Wanted…
[Least] Wanted!Well dahhhlings, you don’t need to hear this from little ol’ me – even a fleeting glance at the headlines and reader comments will tell you just how wanted, or not, His Majesty’s prodigal son (and brood) is…
Far be it from me to be judge and jury, but if one were to compile a WANTED poster for this particular individual, at a minimum, it would include the following ‘crimes’ on their rap sheet:
- Marrying a disingenuous gold-digging, social climber, whose provenance and CV does not withstand much scrutiny. E.g. An over-exaggerated ‘acting career’ – more Hollyoaks than Hollywood dahhlings! And let’s throw in her hapless family who keep alluding to all sorts of skeletons in their family closet…
- Repeatedly throwing his family under the bus with innuendo and lies, to try discrediting them and frame them in a bad light. This is one spoiled brat who is prone to throwing his toys out of the pram. Approach with caution!
- Secretly recording and/or exposing private conversations, to monetise his family members, to line his pockets in order to keep his other half in the OTT extravagant lifestyle she deludedly thinks she deserves. Or maybe it’s to fund the legal expenses of his multiple failed lawsuits .
- Relentlessly whining and whinging, despite having access to the best therapists money can buy.
- Wasting court time (and taxpayers’ money) by trying to sue anyone who has the temerity to write or say anything remotely negative.
One’s own ‘recollections may vary’, but didn’t they keep blethering on about ‘wanting privacy’ before shamelessly washing their, and their families’, dirty laundry in public, by giving exclusive interviews, broadcasting fictional stories and all under the bleating umbrella of “telling my truth”? What utter poppycock! Wouldn’t know the truth if it hit the pair of them between the bloody eyes!! Steady on Dita – you’ll be turning into Daddy at this rate!!
One could even add ‘elder abuse’ to the rap sheet, after their treatment of their respective sick elderly fathers.
It’s lamentable to see so many opportunities be squandered after such a ‘born with a silver spoon’ start in life. The familial ‘star quality gene’ seems to have bypassed this one!
This wanted undesirable was last seen after finally securing a brief audience with his sick elderly father. Whether this was an attempt to rehabilitate his recent ‘crimes against King, country and family’, remains to be seen.
Now that he’s placed himself outside the inner circle of trust, one hopes that he was robustly frisked on his way in – and out; after all, he and his sidekick allegedly have form for being secretly wired to record intimate conversations to sell to the highest bidder.
How low will he stoop to keep the gravy train on track, and the mega bucks rolling in?
Oooof! After revisiting one’s recollections to write up that not so little rap sheet, one needs to wash off all that unpleasantness, and write an uplifting (most) ‘WANTED poster’ taking the form of penning one’s very own advertisement for potential suitors or, in a nutshell, one’s dreamboat of a man!!
[Most] WantedA real man and none of this metrosexual nonsense. Who needs a man with a complex beauty regime and more grooming products than you? A woman neither wants nor needs to set her alarm clock several hours earlier so she can access the bathroom before her man commandeers it! And don’t you come at me with your “ah, but Dita – if you’re so loaded, you’d have separate bathrooms”. It’s the principle of the matter, no matter how many bathrooms one’s pile has, so to speak…
Sidenote: The ideal candidate does need to look after his body, be fit and healthy, and have the stamina required for the bedroom department. Being ripped is not essential but it does help in revving this particular Lady’s engine! Dad bods are also welcomed, as they have a charm and appeal all of their very own!
Seduction techniques and ‘sexpertise’ are also essential. These requirements are non-negotiable. I have neither the time nor inclination to teach a man the all-important skills of giving a woman an earth shattering orgasm. There are some things a man should just be able to deliver, without being coached, cajoled or nannied!
A man who is:
- Focused and determined; knows what he wants from life and isn’t afraid to go after it, all guns blazing. That is such a turn on!
- Solvent, financially savvy, successful in his chosen career, generous with his resources and time, and knows how to look after the lady in his life. Having a bulging wallet to complement the bulging biceps is always a bonus!
- Emotionally available, with the ability to express and communicate his own feelings and is sensitively responsive to one’s emotions. This Lady wants to be romanced, wined, dined and ……
No self-respecting lady wants a Mummy’s boy. In the words of every single gal’s heroine, Bridget Jones,“I will not fall for any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomaniacs, chauvinists, emotional f*ckwits or freeloaders, perverts.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, one needs to dash. Unlike he who shall remain nameless, one is wanted elsewhere. VERRRY much wanted…
Lady P signing off.
Toodles…
***Team Heaven***
One was tempted to do a review of a certain ‘lifestyle’ programme on Netflix. However, once one saw how it dropped through the rankings in record time, one thought it best not to give it the oxygen of any further publicity. Ditto the ecommerce attempts by the merchants of Montecito.
The public seem to have ‘spoken’ about how much they want these merchants in their lives… So one won’t devote any more column inches on the subject!