Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much…!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods – yes they do really exist – to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it – or ourselves – too seriously!
Leo
STOP making silly decisions based upon other people’s opinions sweetie. These egotistical knobheads (aka fickle friends), have a very over-inflated sense of self-importance and, rather than hanging on to their every word, you should avoid them at all costs; however, if you absolutely have to be in the vicinity of their pontificating, then act like a toddler, putting your hands over your ears whilst singing silly songs at the top of your lungs! They’ll either think you’re mad, or an immature ar$ehole thus backing off and giving you a very wide berth. Either way it’s job done! #NeedsMust
Virgo
The last few weeks have seemed as though you have been stuck at a tw@tspangle’s convention with no way out! But fear no more Virgo, as from here on in, the exit signs will be clearly visible and henceforth you can escape from said tw@tspangles. Life can now resume amongst normal folk – the kind who don’t make you want to scream, tear your hair out or, when pushed hard enough, knock the annoying little f*ckers flat out! Embrace your calm surroundings and be sure to avoid all similar scenarios in future. #SanityRestored
Libra
Your fragile ego is badly in need of being vigorously massaged; so the blindingly obvious solution is to surround yourself with those who love you, or the sycophants who pretend to like/respect/love you. The only problem with the second group of people sweetie, is that they are usually obnoxious, pompous pillocks who couldn’t be genuine, even if their sorry lives depended upon it. The question is Libra: is your ego so badly in need of massaging that you’re willing to put up with being around such a bunch of diehard arseholes?! #DecisionsDecisions
Scorpio
When life is treating you badly, please don’t succumb by throwing yourself a pity party; instead, seize the moment and throw yourself a humongous celebration party! Put on the sparkly/brightly coloured gladrags, pop the champagne cork and boogie on down to some thumping good tunes! You could even extend the invitation to anyone else who is having a $hit time of it. It’s always more fun and there’s safety in numbers, especially if one of you happens to get a little tipsy or goes totally over the top! #SafetyProtocols
Sagittarius
The secret to your wellbeing lies with you not listening to moronic f*ckwits who think they have the answer to all your problems when in actual fact they know absolutely sweet FA! The only one who can help you is you! Be more positive, be more inquisitive, be more adventurous, be more fun! When you start being all of these things then your outlook on life will change, leaving you feeling more fulfilled, complete and alive! #HappinessBeginsAndEndsWithYou
Capricorn
Is someone in particular sabotaging your happiness Capricorn? You need to remember that your inner circle should be filled with people who lift you up, not bloody well tear you down. You require people who bring something to the table rather than greedy fuckers who completely empty it! People who have your back rather than the sneaky barstuds, looking for somewhere to stick the knife! Get ready to hunt them down sweetie, then cast them the f*ck out, to their miserable existence, right back where they belong! #ItsTimeToBeRuthless
Aquarius
Beware of those pesky little sneaky fuckers who have a well-hidden agenda, as they will inevitably try to reel you in and trick you, but whatever happens Aquarius, do not get bamboozled by their bull$hit – you’re far cleverer than that sweetie. You need to have your bloody wits about you and your eyes wide open! Your spidey senses need to be on red alert or you could get trapped in the tangled web they weave, leaving you stuck in their evil, manipulative clutches! #ProceedWithCaution
Pisces
Relationships are tricky at the best of times, but at the worst of times they are downright bloody infuriating, however, if things do go tits up sweetie, try not to go f*cking nuclear. It doesn’t help the situation, nor does it endear you to others when you go completely off on one, ranting and raving like a bloody banshee! So calm the f*ck down, wind your neck in, think before you speak, and act like the friggin’ grownup in the room instead of a childish tw@t, by throwing your toys out of the pram! #BeMoreAdult
Aries
If you feel like you’re on a roll then keep on going sweetie and sing whilst you’re still winning! Your enthusiasm will be contagious and people will be drawn to you like a moth to a flame. Who dares wins, blah, blah, blah… and when you dare big, you could either fly very high, or you could possibly drop to the floor like a f*cking stone! The point is Aries, nothing ventured, nothing gained. The more you try, the more you’ll succeed and there’s no limit to what you can achieve! #TakeARiskOrLoseTheChance
Taurus
When chaos reigns all around you, try to channel your inner peace. It’s very easy to join in the madness, mischief and mayhem, letting it take over completely until it drives you insane, or, you can choose the adult option – walk away, find a quiet corner and do your own thing. Pop on some calming mellow music to drown out the noise of those pesky little f*ckers who can’t seem to resist being loud irritating ar$eholes, and enjoy yourself with some quiet contemplation. Ommmmm! #StayMellow
Gemini
Flex those muscles Gemini and stand your friggin’ ground! And whatever else you happen to do, please don’t continue to be a pathetic little pushover by letting others ride roughshod over you! When you exude strength it most definitely repels those sadsters who thrive on being nasty little f*ckers, soooo, whatever happens, DON’T feed the monsters sweetie; let them bloody starve! Fingers crossed they’ll shrivel up and disappear back under the rock from whence they crawled! #EmbraceYourInnerStrength
Cancer
Time is a’ ticking away Cancer and none of your dreams will come true if you do f*ck all about it! It’s time to get off your lazy ar$e, spring into action and work at making things happen sweetie. Turn your desires into tangible results by seeing it, feeling it, believing it and hopefully, those big ol’ dreams will manifest before your very eyes. Anything and everything is possible when you put your mind to it – so what the hell are you waiting for? A bloody invite?! #TickTockTickTock
