Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much…!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods – yes they do really exist – to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it – or ourselves – too seriously!
Cancer
There’s lots of work needed in order to restore your levels of sanity. Unfortunately life has been a $hitshow of late, and you’re in need of comfort from loved ones to help you through the difficult times. If your nearest and dearest are unable to perform this all-important task then fck em… Store that vital information in your memory bank for future reference, and when they hit troubled times – rest assured karma will knock on their door – you can and will return the favour of doing sweet FA to help them. What goes around comes around sweetie, so make sure you surround yourself with caring people, not selfish fckwits! #BeKind
Leo
Your circle of friends is depleting fast and furious as you finally wake up, smell the coffee and discover that most of them are total tw*ts! Yes, it’s good to have friends, however sweetie, you must remember that the important thing is quality, NOT quantity. Do you want a large social circle full of fickle f*ckwits and bitchy back stabbers, or do you want a small intimate circle of genuine friends who love and support you no matter how much of a pain in the arse you are?! The decision is yours Leo, but you need to be absolutely ruthless when allowing access to your inner sanctum. #ChooseWisely
Virgo
You are badly in need of some general maintenance or, in non-polite words, clean up your act you scruffy barstud! Talk about letting standards drop. You would give Wayne or Waynetta Slob a run for their money, so before you become the talk of the town or at the very least your workplace, or, even worse, your nearest and dearest…please for the love of humanity try taking a shower, go the full monty on grooming products and pick an outfit where bits of flesh are not bulging through holes that have been ripped by wear and tear and not as part of the original design! #HaveSomePride
Libra
Life is starting to move in the right direction, and that’s all because you’ve finally taken control of it sweetie! Occasionally tho, you will be blown off course, but you are the captain of the ship and only you can steer it in the right direction. When obstacles are put in your way and rip apart your life, you have two choices…sink or swim. You can admit defeat and go down with your ship, or you can launch the lifeboat and sail off into the sunset, ready to tackle another day! How you react will define you. It will either make you a better person or relegate you to the tw*tspangle brigade! #DecisionsDecisions
Scorpio
Some people make promises with absolutely no intention of following through. You must take these people with a pinch of salt sweetie. They are people pleasers who think that by promising the earth it will make them more popular, however, if they don’t follow through then what is the f*cking point? They’re just hollow words and empty promises! If they want to earn Brownie points just be supportive and help if and when asked, rather than always making grand gestures which never materialise! Bully bull-$hitters are a drain on your emotional resources that you can definitely do without! #FullOfCrap
Sagittarius
Instead of being a stuttering, bumbling buffoon, speak your bloody mind sweetie! You’re entitled to your opinion, and unless others tell you to butt out of their business, then make sure you say your piece, especially if it’s important and could possibly stop them from either acting like total tw*ts or being hurt, or rushing headlong into something that could go spectacularly t*its up! Words and actions can have the right impact if delivered right with sincerity and concern. People may thank you for them or tell you to shut the f*ck up and pi$$ off, but at least you know you’ve done the right thing! #TheTruthHurts
Capricorn
It’s quite simple Capricorn: if you don’t want people to treat you badly, then stop acting like a total tw*t! Behave with a modicum of decorum, apply a dollop of common sense, and wind your f*cking neck in – and maybe it will stop the onslaught of insults, bitchy comments and aggressive behaviour towards you. To avoid a balls-up of epic proportions, then a novel approach would be to engage the brain before opening your mouth and putting your enormous, awkward foot in it. Talk crap in haste, repent at leisure, or get sent to social Siberia until things are forgiven or forgotten! #ItsNotAlwaysGoodToTalk
Aquarius
As life closes on one monumentally disastrous chapter of your life, it’s important to remember that $hit happens sweetie, and you’re only one step away from catastrophe. Always be vigilant and try to avoid getting into unnecessary scrapes…steer clear of confrontational ar$eholes and if something seems too good to be true, then you better believe that it is! Proceed with caution and an abundance of skepticism. Follow this all-important advice, and hopefully you should be able to navigate life without getting into trouble all the bloody time! If not, then you’ve only got yourself to blame! #Numpty
Pisces
Your dreams have crashed and burned because you jolly well let them Pisces. But what’s more concerning is that you don’t seem to think it’s important to have dreams. What the f*ck have you got to aspire to now?! Do you think it’s acceptable to just meander through life, not wanting anything special, festering away, and content to wallow whilst throwing yourself a weekly pity party? (Wo)man the f*ck up NOW before it’s too late, you miserable old git, before you descend into your very own bland existence that nobody wants to be a part of! #DreamBeliever
Aries
WARNING! This may upset you Aries, however, it’s time you started admitting to yourself that you’re a delusional narcissistic plonker who has mistreated others and then acted like you’re the bloody victim. Stop gaslighting people you attention-seeking tw*t and take responsibility for your appalling actions! Perhaps then you can become a better person, and your nearest and dearest won’t avoid you like the plague! This may come across as a tad harsh, but the truth often hurts sweetie, so this almighty bollocking is for your own good, and ultimately, you will thank us! #AccountabilityMatters
Taurus
When you have the right mindset, you can achieve anything, just remember to not go bull at a gate like you usually do. Have patience and do things properly. Don’t bulldoze your way through a project just to get it done quicker. Remember…more haste, less speed and then just maybe things won’t go spectacularly t*ts up, leaving you frustrated and the butt of jokes from those around you who usually witness every balls up you make AND relentlessly take the pi$$! Slow and steady wins the race. Be persistent and consistent, and you will get the job done – properly! #StayCalmAndSlowTheF*ckDown
Gemini
You have three distinct groups of friends; the ones who hang on to your every word, the ones constantly spouting inane $hite out of their mouths, and the straight-talking, truthful ones who value your opinion and aren’t afraid to voice theirs. The best course of action is: 1. see the sycophants when your ego needs a boost: 2. tolerate the bull$hit brigade when you have zero f*cks to give: and 3. socialise with your like-minded friends when you want proper conversation. Throw in a little fun and frolics, and it’s a recipe for a great time amongst good ol’ honest friends! #FriendsWillBeFriends