Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!
I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.
Greetings and salutations my wonderful readers.
Have you missed me?
Well one is back – and back with a bang!!
As the magazine proudly celebrates its 10th anniversary, I will divulge in full Dita style, 10 not-so-little secrets of what little old moi has been up to during this recent hiatus; and for pure entertainment and shock value, I shall save the best – IMO – ‘til last!
Secret 1:
One decided to add another little prick to one’s evolving collection; however, this little prick came in the form of body art as one decided to take the plunge and brave the tattooist’s needle to get a very sleek design inked onto one’s …. Well, do you know what, I think I will leave it up to your irreverent imaginations as to where this wonderful piece of artwork nuzzles and resides…
Secret 2:
One has bitten the bullet and indulged in some minor tweakments. Now I couldn’t possibly divulge as to what and where they are, as a lady never tweaks and tells. However, as one is now on the international stage, one has to keep up appearances, and no bitchy female journalist is going to do a ‘gasp – the shame of it – hasn’t she aged badly?’ hit job on me!
Secret 3:
Instead of taking a walk on the wild side, one decided to take a ride on the wild side, resplendent in full (tight) biking leathers, a sparkly customised helmet, astride a powerful Ducati after proudly gaining one’s motorcycle licence. Take it from one who knows – there’s nothing quite like having a beast of an Italian powerhouse, throbbing between your legs!
Secret 4:
Due to secret 3, one is sad to say that a rather unpleasant bit of post arrived in the shape of a hefty speeding fine and 3 penalty points, unless one was prepared to go on a speed awareness course. As you can imagine, Daddy flipped and went on a mega-rant for days about bloody women and how they can’t handle bloody machinery, and that is why bloody women should stick to a chauffeur-driven car. The bloody cheek! Where’s the bloody thrill in that? Unless of course, the chauffeur is rather easy on the eye…
Secret 5:
One was wrongly named and shamed in a love triangle, which could have been catastrophic for one’s reputation if the glossy posse had not come to one’s rescue. They turned supersleuth, hunting down the culprit by setting a clever trap, exposing them as the shameless cheater that they are. The glossy posse could give Coleen Rooney a run for her money and have been aptly named The Infamous 5ive! Cross them at your peril!
Secret 6:
After years of sleeping alone (whilst staying chez Mummy and Daddy) one has decided to take on a roommate to keep me company. This roommate is an adorable fluffy Shih Tzu, who is loyal, a tremendous emotional support, and has unconditional love for me; he also fits perfectly into one’s Hermes so I can tote him anywhere. What’s not to love?
Secret 7:
One partook in a girls’ wild weekend in Mykynos. Suffice to say what happens in Mykonos stays in Mykonos, however, I will reveal one little tidbit… a certain someone in the glossy posse who shall remain nameless brought our soiree to an abrupt and untimely end after they got arrested for a trivial misdemeanor. In our defence, we had absolutely no idea that that particular act was frowned upon, even in Greece of all places!!! After several hours, many phone calls home to our respective families and their lawyers, we managed to get them released with a caution, a 12-month ban from returning to the island, and deported immediately!
Secret 8:
Whilst having one’s annual nude portrait painted by a rather famous artist, one unfortunately had a mishap with a priceless family heirloom. Tho the Jackson Pollock-esque paint splatter was the least of Daddy’s concerns…He was apoplectic, jumping up and down, raging for days on end. The language was unbecoming of somebody with a title, and it took a great deal of cognac and cajoling by Mummy to get his temper back under some semblance of control! I have never seen him so angry. To say our relationship is more fragile than ever would be an understatement. Entre nous, I think he was waiting on an elite auction house to get back to him with a valuation for the heirloom, as I gather from below stairs’ whispers, that ‘hush money payments to avert (another) scandal’ are the primary source of his distress…
Secret 9:
One half expected to run into the hapless duo in the run-up to that gazillionaire wedding in Italy a few weeks ago, and take the opportunity to give some feedback on a certain overpriced and overrated Californian condiment and pink wine.
Whilst money doesn’t buy taste or class, it seemed to prevail on that occasion, as neither the bride nor groom had Haz-been or the wife on their respective guest lists. Anyway, back to the Monte$hitshow merchant’s latest offering. Where does one even begin my dahhhlings?!
Lacklustre, bland, cloying, syrupy and insipid, much like its ‘creator’, if you can call a dropshipping company that! And the toe-curling trailers, promos and insincere, word-salad interviews beggar belief. As ever, being the honest Lady that I am, one felt compelled to post an authentic, constructive review.
Ah, Madam Montecito’s latest venture: the already infamous, nay notorious, “As Ever” runny fruit spread, paired with overpriced flower petal sprinkles and pink wine! Truly a marketing masterstroke, if only for its audacity and contempt for its customers. One must admire the flair for turning the mundane into an overpriced, overhyped spectacle.
The spread, more akin to a syrupy mess, seems to have been crafted with the same finesse as her pervasive public persona – artfully insubstantial, yet undeniably present.
As for the pink wine, a summertime beverage that screams “relatable,” although one suspects it’s more about the illusion of elegance rather than any real sophistication. It’s all rather amusing really how the brand is promoted as “oh-so-authentic,” when even Stevie Wonder can see it’s a carefully curated performance.
One can’t help but wonder if she’s under the impression that this latest cloying concoction will ‘elevate’ (an oft-repeated word in Grifter-ville) her status or merely consolidate her saccharine qualities in the eyes of the general public, who seem repulsed and sneeringly entertained in equal measure. This ‘offering’ is more Royle Family than Royal Family!!
Still, one must give some credit: it’s quite an ability to ‘master’ the art of turning fairly mundane items into glossy, marketable, overpriced fantasy fodder – albeit one that leaves a rather sour aftertaste on one’s tastebuds and bank balance…
One shall raise a glass to toast the hapless duo’s relentless pursuit of the next big thing, however insipid or contrived it will almost certainly be! It really is quite some feat to kiss a prince and to plummet so swiftly from palace life to pond life.
Secret 10:
Last but not least. One indulged in a rather clandestine liaison with a famous person at the Formula 1 Grand Prix at Silverstone. Please do not put two and two together and come up with four, following the shocking news of a certain team principal being sacked. One can categorically confirm that I am no marriage wrecker and especially so where one of them is a fiery ginger! The rubber wasn’t just burning up between pitstops, I’ll have you know… Obviously, for legal reasons and because one is a Lady above all else, I cannot reveal who the lucky gent was, however, I will say it was a fast and furious thrilling ride to the chequered flag!
And after all those tasty revelations it’s time for me to bid you adieu – there’s a party at Heaven HQ about to kick off, where there’s something long, cold and stiff with my name on it. Don’t you just love a Long Beach Iced Tea!?!
Toodles.
***Notes for Team Heaven***
Thank you darling gals for sourcing the supposedly ‘sold out’ supplies Stateside, although one’s tastebuds are also cursing you…
One felt compelled to turn to some vinegary verse, to try and shake off the syrupy aftertaste!
There once was a Duchess so ‘clever’,
Fervently touting her brand “As Ever.”
With pink w(h)ine in tow,
Insincerity on show
As with Trevor, thank God this isn’t forever!