Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much…!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods – yes they do really exist – to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it – or ourselves – too seriously!
Aquarius
Charisma is oozing out of your every pore Aqaurius, so you will need to capitalize on your popularity and brilliance before the spotlight on you dims once more, leaving you sad and bereft – believe us when we say that no-one wants to witness ANOTHER of your epic breakdowns complete with tears and tantrums. There are only so many hours in a day, and an invite to yet another one of your pity parties sweetie is about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit! Try bottling some of that charisma, so when it does do a disappearing act, you have a handy stash on standby thus avoiding the f*cking silliness and childish behaviour unbecoming of a (supposedly) fully grown adult! #GrowTheF*ckUp
Pisces
STOP being a gullible tw*t Pisces. It’s time to wake up and smell the very strong coffee that’s purposely being wafted under those nostrils of yours sweetie! Continue being a pushover and the sneaky f*ckers around you will exploit that weakness mercilessly for their own ends! Almost everyone has a hidden agenda, so you need to wise up, become a super sleuth detective and expose those crafty $hits for the grifters they are. WARNING: Just remember to channel your inner ‘Inspector Clued-Up’ and not ‘Inspector Ballsed-Up’, ensuring the situation doesn’t go totally t*ts-up! #PushoverIsNoLongerMyMiddleName
Aries
Someone is getting far too close for comfort, invading your personal space and it’s pi$$ing you right off – big time – because your usual polite tactic of trying to avoid them seems to have failed. You could say it crashed and burned in spectacular style, and now sweetie you face that difficult dilemma where you’re in the last chance saloon and you have only one option left! So Aries, it’s time to get ready to be strong, to be bold, to be unapologetic, and to tell them to back the f*ck off! That firm response lets everyone know exactly where they stand (unless they’re a complete f*cking moron!) and normal business can resume! #ConfidenceIsKey
Taurus
Dear Taurus: you’re pushing for a particular outcome that is NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! And yes, we know you don’t like to give up easily, and heaven forbid you have to admit to being wrong, however, STOP BEING A STUBBORN TW*T! Admitting defeat isn’t an act of failure, this is just simply stating the obvious – what you’re trying to achieve is, mission frickin’ impossible! So swallow that pride sweetie and throw in the towel before it’s too late and everything goes t*ts up, inevitably ending with your whole world imploding as calamitous chaos rains down! #YouHaveBeenWarned
Gemini
Let’s be honest here Gemini, your reputation precedes you and you have been called a two-faced lying barstud on many an occasion, so forgive folk if they don’t quite expect the truth…the whole truth….and nothing but the truth, to fall out of that untrustworthy gob of yours! Maybe it’s time you were less ‘economical with the truth’ and stopped telling such big fat porky pies. This basic humanitarian action will go a long way towards rebuilding the ‘trust tree’ because quite frankly, your nearest and dearest are pi$$ed off from continually falling with an almighty thump from its weak and fragile branches! #LiarLiarPantsOnFire
Cancer
How deep is your love? Is it all consuming proper L O V E…intense, deep affection and a strong emotional connection? Or is it fickle as f*ck? where your emotions and feelings change quicker than an unscrupulous politician promising anything and everything to save their career, which is dangerously teetering on the edge of annihilation! The choice, Cancer, is ultimately yours and you need to decide what type of person you want to be. Are you all in, or all out? Maybe it’s time to stop doing the hokey cokey. Make an informed decision and FFS sweetie – TRY STICKING TO IT! #LoveIsUpInTheAir
Leo
What’s new pussycat? Well Leo, you usually behave like royalty as befits your King/Queen of the jungle moniker, however, the last few weeks you’ve been behaving more like Tigger with tourettes! Far too much sweary energy with a wayward mouth is not the best combo to endear you to your nearest and dearest who are quite frankly exasperated and offended by the verbal diarrhea and ‘colourful’ (i.e. filthy) language being excreted from your wide open trap, which seems to have lost any ability to shut itself up before unleashing another tirade of abuse and torrent of verbal slurry. So for the love of humanity, engage your brain before operating your mouth, and hopefully any future domestics can be avoided! #ShutTheF*ckUp
Virgo
Hey scatterbrain – concentrate on the task at hand instead of worrying about what’s coming months down the line. You will cross that bridge if and when you come to it sweetie, and it is immensely frustrating to those around you when you don’t have your mind in the ‘here and now’. How on earth do you propose to give something your all, especially when your thoughts are all over the f*cking shop? Now is the perfect time to re-organise your life and tackle things, one step at a time, instead of trying to juggle everything at once! HARD FACT – you are NOT a bloody octopus with multiple arms! #StayFocused
Libra
Don‘t be modest when celebrating your triumphant accomplishments sweetie. Shout it loud and proud from the rooftops, so the whole world can hear just how frickin’ fabulous you are! You’ve more than earned your bragging rights and now is the most opportune time to sock it to the naysayers who await your failure with ill-disguised glee! Try your hardest not to pi$$ yourself laughing Libra when you see the shocked/pained/contorted look on their faces. Just imagine if the wind changes – their faces will stick like that and who wants to look like a bulldog chewing a wasp with a lime wedge chaser? #GloatAway
Scorpio
Having a good circle of friends around you is vitally important, however, you need to remember that the most important thing is quality, not quantity. There’s no point having a vast amount of friends if they’re useless f*ckwits – that’s about as much use as a chocolate teapot. Surrounding yourself with a small, close-knit group of loyal and supportive friends is just the ticket required to living a fun-filled life, safe in the knowledge that when life inevitably throws you a curve ball and things go spectacularly t*ts up, they’ll have your back, and will be there to see you through any $hit storm that comes your way! #FriendsNotTrends
Sagittarius
Keep plugging away at those goals and you will succeed. The moment you admit defeat, throw in the towel, or throw a tantrum will almost certainly lead to you spiraling downwards into gloom, despair and misery sweetie, where the daily pity party rapidly becomes the norm! We all need dreams and aspirations, it’s what keeps us striving for a better life and makes us better people, instead of becoming miserable f*ckers, content to sit on our arses moaning about our $hit lot in life. F*ck that Sagittarius! Life is for living and we only get one shot at it, so give it your all and you shall be rewarded! #ThinkBigDreamBigBelieveBig
Capricorn
Decisions, decisions…but only you can make them, so make sure you’re not being influenced or manipulated by other people, especially those with a hidden agenda! If you find yourself in a compromising situation or being steered in a direction you’re unsure of, then FFS, stop acting like a numpty, apply the brakes and remove yourself swiftly from that situation and make sure you don’t get caught unawares again! You have a voice so bloody well use it; then tell them politely to ‘eff off’ and mind their own business. If you want their help or advice you will ask for it, but until then…! #WaitUntilYoureAsked
