Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much…!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods – yes they do really exist – to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it – or ourselves – too seriously!
Sagittarius
You’re allowed to indulge sweetie, just don’t go OTT, otherwise there’s a price to pay! Too much food? = hot new party outfit doesn’t fit! Too much alcohol? = trending on social media for all the WRONG reasons (and inevitable shame which is hard to shake off!) Too much spending? = a very long and lean January. And let’s be honest here Sagittarius – January is already one of the $hittiest months of the year without you having to endure being a pauper as well. So the moral to this sorry tale is: EVERYTHING IN MODERATION. Heed this advice or suffer the consequences! #KnowYourLimits
Capricorn
You can’t possibly concentrate on mundane tasks when party season is about to enter your world in all of its decadent glory. Never mind ‘deck the halls’ kinda vibe, it‘s more of a ‘f*ck the chores’ as your preferred mantra, especially when there’s shopping to be done and parties to attend. When presented with the choice of cleaning the house or a festive shindig involving mince pies and mulled wine, there’s absolutely NO contest, whatsoever. Just pick your way through the trail of crumbs and bid it farewell on your way out of the door. Hopefully no-one will visit and see the mess; however do have some ‘emergency’ rugs and throws on stand-by if you need to quickly hide the festive fallout! #GetYourPrioritiesRight
Aquarius
Reshuffle your priorities to maximise the time required to seek out the perfect gifts for your loved ones in the run up to Christmas. Nothing produces a bigger $hit-eating grin on your face than the praise and acknowledgment that you absolutely nailed it once again, duly crowning you the king or queen of gift-giving. Oh how you adore that accolade! It more than makes up for the months painstakingly trawling the local shops and internet, in the hunt for hidden treasures, earning you much-needed Brownie points, before you butter them up and pounce, ready to cash in on a few overdue favours! #UpstairsForThinking
Pisces
Pisces
You have an abundance of bragging rights that you’re a little unsure of using right now, but do you know what sweetie? F*ck the false modesty and trigger your full gung ho persona right here, right now, and sock it to ‘em! It’s about time your nearest and dearest realised just how friggin’ awesome you are; furthermore, their lack of appreciation needs exposing. If they fail to understand the importance of acknowledging this vital service – which you happen to supply for free – then withdraw life support immediately! Let them fall flat on their butts in a stinking pile of doggy doo dah, with only themselves to blame AND to clean up the mess! #UngratefulF*ckers
Aries
You welcome constructive criticism, HOWEVER, the rude fckers can take their snarky, condescending comments and shove them where the sun don’t shine. How dare they pontificate on high, especially when they have no real clue as to what they are talking about, waffling with meaningless soundbites they’ve heard, passing them off as their own, trying to sound intelligent and informed! Who the fck prioritised their opinions as if they somehow mattered more? Opinions are like farts, everyone has one inside them, but that doesn’t mean you have to share them…especially if they are loud and stink! #Charlatans
Taurus
You need to be the grownup in the room whilst everyone else is acting the total tw*t! Yes, we know life is for living, it’s Christmas, and ‘tis the season to be jolly, yada, yada, yada; however, that’s not a license to get totally $hitfaced and make a complete show of yourself, ensuring you will be the hot topic of unflattering gossip for the foreseeable future, or at least until some other unwitting fool claims that calamitous crown! Being sensible and cautious does not have to equal being boring. You can have fun without being six parts pi$$ed. You can be merry without being drunk, disorderly and downright embarrassing! #ModerationIsKey
Gemini
Your ego is totally out of control sweetie, so do wind your f*cking neck in and stop strutting around the place like Billy-Big-Bollocks! It’s extremely obnoxious and very off-putting. In fact, it’s safe to say your narcissistic behavior would repel even the most tolerant people. So heed this warning numb nuts, otherwise you will become the other Billy… Billy-No-Mates! It’s time to retire the show off and bring out your humble, more approachable side. Please believe us when we say – with quite some confidence – that this will most definitely endear you more to those around you. #ThoseWhoShowOffDoNotShine
Cancer
Keep reminding yourself every day not to overdo it, Cancer! Pace yourself sweetie! There are a few more weeks to go until the new year, so you don’t have to frantically shovel every last ‘choccy’ in your mouth like a desperate Venus fly trap in need of a fix! If temptation comes a’knocking when you’ve already eaten your bodyweight in Quality Street and After Eight Mints, then for the love of your waistband – clamp those jaws shut tightly and resist! Don’t be a f*cking greedy guts – show some restraint and channel your inner willpower and try for once in your life being a little more disciplined! Learn the subtle art of saying NO! #JustSayNo
Leo
There are way too many distractions in your life right now Leo, but you must keep your eyes on the prize sweetie – keep your eyes on the bloody big prize! You need complete tunnel vision right now in order to stay on target AND achieve your goals. Your days must be planned with precision, pretty much like a military operation! There’s lots to do Leo and you simply cannot afford to get side-tracked by alcohol fuelled, festive shindigs. It is of utmost importance that you resist at all costs! WARNING! A pi$$ed up Lion is of no use to anyone, especially if you’ve lost your voice and ability to roar! #WhatsNewPussycat
Virgo
You usually keep your emotions well under wraps, so don’t succumb to festive folly, by tearing off the Christmas wrapping paper, exposing them in the most brutal or embarrassing way known to (wo)man!! Parties + alcohol = TRÉS DANGEROUS TERRITORY – so do tread carefully sweetie or you might just step on a metaphorical land mine, blowing up the atmosphere in such a spectacular fashion, resulting in a fallout that may take months or years even, to recover from, to rebuild stricken relationships! Manage your alcohol consumption levels responsibly and keep that gobby personality of yours in check and, voila, you may just avoid a very merry-less, messy Christmas! #HoHoHo
Libra
You can’t control or stop the $hit that’s going down sweetie, HOWEVER, you can control how you react to it. You can make sure you don’t act like a total tw*t by inflaming the situation, causing more harm than good. You can also make sure you don’t rant and rave like a deranged lunatic, thus ensuring you stay clear of becoming an unwilling resident in the Cockwomble Hall of Fame! Avoiding potential pointless battles and silly situations should become your default setting Libra, which will stand you in good stead so you a) don’t end up pi$$ing off people, or b) being pi$$ed off yourself. #BeMoreSwitzerland
Scorpio
Keep an eagle eye on your cash flow. This is a precarious time of year when it’s easy to lose money out of your bank account without realising. Tapping your card at every given opportunity is extremely dangerous and funds can be depleted faster than the speed of sound. Live within your means sweetie. You can enjoy yourself without the need to turn into a fake wannabe ‘influencer’, by flashing the cash like a narcissistic air-headed numpty on social media. Nobody admires or aspires to be like that – they just think, what a f*cking plonker! And you most definitely do not want to be a plonker Scorpio! #MoneyMatters
