Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!
I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.
Happy New Year to all my darling readers ~ welcome to the wonderful world of Lady P.
Now when one received the brief for this latest issue, one went full steam ahead in search of the flame thrower, ready to burn down one’s previous life in order to rise like a beautiful Phoenix from the ashes – renewed, regenerated, reinvigorated, revamped and ready to kick 2026’s fabulous derrière!
But before I get all down and dirty with this month’s edition, I cannot possibly let recent royal ‘events’ in the intervening months since my last column go unacknowledged! During the winter months, one is normally preoccupied with festive preparations, but otherwise, looking forward to an extended restful break.
However, my Glossy Posse WhatsApp group blew up big time, as we became collectively stunned at the pace with which certain members of the ‘Firm’ and their exes were exiled and stripped of titles, privileges, social standing etc. The airwaves went into such a meltdown that we had to set up another, separate WhatsApp group #groan! We’ve called it #Bratler – a portmanteau ‘homage’ to Tatler and (artisto/royalty) brats!
Well-placed sources tell us that it couldn’t have happened to a ‘nicer chap’. One suspects that that is one person who won’t be experiencing the Phoenix-effect any time soon, if at all….
Anyway, one digresses…Back to my original point. Phoenix, flame throwers, revamps etc, etc….
Now, did this mean that one was about to:
- Reduce one’s travels, shopping and become vegan in a conscious effort to limit one’s carbon footprint?
- Do the ‘wokey cokey’ and join the rest of the virtue-signalling, #BeKind brigade?
- Stop the latest top secret bitchy gossip from ‘accidentally’ slipping out?
- Cease one’s musings and teasings about a certain ginger prince and his social-climbing wife?
ABSO-FRIGGIN-LUTELY NOT!!!
I make no apologies if I do ruffle the occasional feathers dahhlings. This Lady’s ‘Phoenix moment’ will be a momentous reboot of the infamous and ever so fabulous Lady P: Version 2026!
This year I will grow stronger, more confident and, as Daddy so eloquently puts it, “who gives a flying fart what other people think anyway?”
I don’t need anyone’s validation to succeed in my quest.
I am a Lady who has survived boarding school, climbed Everest, been courted by some of the most unsuitable suitors on the planet, been ostracised by fickle back-stabbing so-called friends, not to mention having one’s Black Amex cut up during one of Daddy’s more vicious splenetic rants about “bloody useless, dependent, leaching women”, (the ‘Dita years’ circa 2017, before securing paid work on this magnificent magazine, and started standing on one’s own two feet).
In fact, my wonderful readers, one may even have to up the ante a little more.
This column, like the mythical and magical Phoenix, will transform your life with the most insane and inane knowledge. Renew your interest in conspiracies, (in)discreet, salacious gossip, tittle tattle and tall tales, and you too can be reborn as a new member of Lady P’s brand new club: Perdy’s Posse. No prizes for guessing from where that intel is going to be sourced #Bratler
Rise up my fabulous loyal readers…it’s time to show off our wonderful plumage and soar to great heights, TOGETHER!
Strap in and get ready for Lady P’s must-read column. After all, we birds of a feather must flock together. Yes, ‘flock’ dahhlings, I said ‘flock’ you mucky little so and so’s…
Now get your mucky minds and mouths out of the gutter! This is no way to start the year off. Or then again, maybe it is…
Stay tuned…
Toodles
*** Note to Heaven HQ ***
Just as I was about to sign off on this month’s offering, the #Bratler bRat-signal, WhatsApp notifications went stratospheric!
I know that there are some precocious children out there, but there’s no way the Glossy Posse (Glop) are buying a four-year-old child filmed that ‘sickly dumb dancing’ schtick which is doing the rounds. Well not unless they’re the spawn of Scorsese or Spielberg!!
Other mutterings from the group – shared with Glop’s permission – are of the view that this is a ‘the lady doth protest too much’ moment, of just how besotted they are. Ginge’s body language suggests otherwise…
Meanwhile, there are a few Glop outliers, of a betting nature, who swear that this is a none-too-subtle audition tape for the next series of Dancing With The Stars. Only time will tell!