Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much…!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods – yes they do really exist – to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it – or ourselves – too seriously!
Scorpio
There’s trouble on the home front and to avoid people kicking off big style you need to do everything in your power to stop the proverbial $hit hitting the fan! Being the peacemaker is a thankless task. However, a tranquil environment is far more preferable than living in a war zone. Make sure you draw the battle lines, firmly telling everyone that they can only cross those lines if they’re going to be civil, otherwise, they can f*ck off and cause trouble and strife elsewhere! Frenemy or friendly fire will NOT be tolerated, so proceed with caution, else you’re out on your ar$e! #PlayNice
Sagittarius
You have good intentions but unfortunately sweetie, every endeavor seems to go spectacularly t!ts up! Try not to rush in with all guns blazing, blowing up everything in your path! Slow down and think about the task that needs doing. Catapulting yourself like a human hand grenade will not have the desired effect of you nailing down the situation and accomplishing what needs to be done. However, the reality will be you obliterating and f*cking it all up, leaving everyone else having to step in and clear up your bloody mess. Again! #KeepCalmAndSlowTheF*ckDown
Capricorn
A spat with someone over money is most definitely on the cards, especially with the festive season upon us! You like to go completely over the top, spending obscene amounts of money on gifts and treats and decorations and parties yada, yada, yada; whereas others are more at home with an Ebenezer Scrooge costume, muttering bah humbug at the whole damn circus! Give these miserable barstuds a wide berth sweetie. You don’t need them raining on your happy parade with their negativity and crappy attitude! #FindYourTribe
Aquarius
You have that uncanny ability to wrap people around your little finger. You’re like a Jedi knight with mind manipulation sweetie, so keep harnessing that power and make sure you get whatever it is that you set your cunning and devious mind to! These unique talents should be exploited, taken advantage of and used to the fullest extent possible! Be shameless in your pursuit of whatever it is you desire and give zero f*cks regarding the methods required to achieve them! #UseYourTalentsWisely
Pisces
Stop letting people undermine you sweetie! Your house = your rules and if they don’t like it then they can jolly well f*ck off! You’re not running a hotel/B&B or youth hostel. If you continue to let them steamroll over you and take advantage, they will use you and treat you like you’re their own personal maid or general dogsbody! Wake up, smell the coffee and stop being such a mug. Put your foot down – read them the riot act and bloody well mean it, otherwise nothing will ever change! #ShowThemWhoIsBoss
Aries
Trust can be a very tricky business, not to mention an extremely touchy subject! To trust or not to trust? That is the million dollar question, with as many different answers! Unfortunately in life there are going to be deceitful f*ckers who thrive on scamming people with no thought of the devastating consequences they cause. Beware of everyone’s intentions until you get to know them a lot better, and whether or not they are decent human beings. Only then can you begin to trust; however, keep your wits about you and ALWAYS REMAIN CAUTIOUS! #RemainVigilant
Taurus
Jealousy rears its ugly head as your success continues to go from strength to strength! That’s because of your work ethic and incredible dedication, and NOT sheer luck as the green-eyed mobsters are alluding to! Stick your middle finger up to the envious little f*ckers. They can stew in their own miserable existence! You just enjoy being you, living a happy and fulfilling life. That will pi$$ them off even more and spur you on in your quest of being the best person you can possibly be! #OnwardsAndUpwards
Gemini
You have big decisions to make for the festive season and we’re not talking about the trivial bull$hit like are you going to buy Quality Street or Roses chocolates this year. When hosting Christmas and New Year’s celebrations, you need to focus on not just who you invite, but also the ‘why’. You don’t want to end up with a room full of f*ckwits, hellbent on gossiping or causing trouble, resulting in a fist fight more in keeping with a visit to the local boxing club! Some people take Boxing Day far too literally! And you don’t want to end up with a notorious reputation that’s hard to shake off! #ActionsHaveConsequences
Cancer
You long for an easy breezy life rather than the $hit show you’re faced with on a daily basis! Oh how you envy those who seem to just meander through life with no major problems or catastrophes. Calm and quiet seems to evade you. Instead your everyday repertoire consists of constant chaos and explosive events that blend into one completely f*cking irritating existence! Send out an SOS immediately sweetie for someone to come and save you from this nightmare before Christmas! #PleaseSendHelp
Leo
Productivity will come to an abrupt standstill if you continue to sit on your backside for the most part of the day, endlessly doom scrolling on social media or flicking through Netflix. It’s time to find a hobby sweetie, so your mind is occupied and you feel a sense of accomplishment. There’s so much opportunity for those who have the inclination. Stop festering away and get out there where hopefully you’ll see some new faces and find something that puts a smile on that increasingly miserable face of yours! #SeizeTheDay
Virgo
Your new motto is ‘the more the merrier’, because in a nutshell, you’re friggin’ lonely and spend endless nights in front of the TV, munching on unhealthy snacks whilst drowning your sorrows with a bottle of plonk whilst sinking into an endless cycle of doom and gloom. You’re one step away from throwing your own pity party sweetie, so wise up, chin up and cheer the f*ck up – it’s time to reinvent yourself as a party planner extraordinaire! Turn your pad into party central and watch your life turn around! #FindTheFun
Libra
Does your success match your ambition? Are you striving too hard and then getting pi$$ed off when the results aren’t bountiful? The only people who fail are the ones who don’t get back up after they’ve fallen! So pad that bottom of yours well, so you can cushion the fall – hopefully it won’t hurt so much and you can bounce straight back up! Keep trying sweetie and you will find that hard work does eventually pay off even if it does seem to be taking an eternity. Have patience – continue to be consistent, persistent and ALWAYS remain positive! #SelfBeliefEssential