Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much…!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods – yes they do really exist – to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it – or ourselves – too seriously!
Virgo
Your mind and body are on two entirely different pages Virgo. Your mind is conjuring up the many strategies needed to live a healthy life, whereas your body couldn’t give a flying f*ck. It’s more than happy to slob around and do sweet FA. Who on earth needs exercise when you can just flop on the couch, watch telly, mindlessly doomscroll social media, whilst munching shedloads of naughty treats? You do sweetie, and fast before you end up a fat slobbering mess, festering away in stained loungewear that’s seen better days, whilst existing in a mundane vortex devoid of any human connection or fun. #ShapeUpOrShipOut
Libra
You long to be successful but keep failing dramatically despite your best intentions. You need to make a plan Libra, as failing to plan is planning to fail. Instead of rushing into things without a friggin’ clue, try researching and gathering all the valuable information required, and then maybe you won’t quite f*ck it all up like you are prone to do! It’s a marathon, not a sprint but if you continue with this ‘I want it now if not sooner’ mindset then you will continue to be a bloody big failure! Your success will depend on your attitude so please drop your usual bull$hit and maybe great things will happen. #SuccessIsAJourneyNotADestination
Scorpio
You’re feeling rather nostalgic, longing to return to the carefree years of your youth, when your only responsibilities extended to packing your school bag and making sure weekends were spent having fun with friends. Now life is a complete ball break with so many things to do in so little time, everyone is stressed to the max and offended at the drop of a hat; and to add insult to injury, the price of everything is sooo f*cking outrageous! You long to be teleported back to the 80s pronto, where life was spontaneous and fun, you could crack a joke without fear of being cancelled, and you didn’t need to sell a kidney in order to pay your fuel bill! #TimeTravelRequiredNOW
Sagittarius
You have a lot to offer Sagittarius and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You may not have qualifications galore or be the sharpest tool in the box. However, what you do have is the ability to listen well, compassion, empathy, and a good head on your shoulders to offer support or advice when wanted, along with the canny ability to shut the f*ck up and stay schtum when things are about to go spectacularly t*ts up! It’s called being a good friend sweetie and does not require a PhD, degree, or any impressive letters after your name. #KnowYourWorth
Capricorn
The rapport you have with people around you is completely dependent upon your current mood. If you feel happy then you are a joy to be around, being in your company is like being at ‘party central’ and you are the host with the most. But if you feel like crap, then you’re absolutely no fun to be around – you flip from little Ms Congeniality into miserable barstud and antagonist f*cker then back again in a nano second, and people will avoid you like the plague! Try finding a happy medium sweetie to avoid either ending up a lonely old goat, twiddling your thumbs, or having your hands full and trying to juggle everything and everyone around you. #ControlThoseMoodSwings
Aquarius
You have reached burnout sweetie and now is the time to take a step back from life and allow yourself to heal. You have been burning the candle at both ends and running around like a headless chicken for months, resulting in your body and mind telling you to slow the f*ck down or risk its wrath when it shuts up shop, putting a stop to your antics for the foreseeable future. Some time out from your usual hectic life will be the welcome break you didn’t know you wanted, but boy is it desperately needed! So batten down the hatches, put your feet up, and learn to relax and unwind. #ChillOutOrBurnout
Pisces
You lack discipline Pisces and you’re turning into a friggin’ slob! Your once pristine appearance has shockingly plummeted to the depths of Wayne & Waynetta Slob levels, complete with offending stains, crumpled clothing, and your personal grooming habits leave a lot to be desired. It’s time to up the ante sweetie and re-engage your acquaintance with the shower, your proper working wardrobe and extensive collection of beauty products before friends and family stage a dramatic intervention by hauling your arse back into line pronto before you pass the point of no return you bloody scruff bag! #PullYourselfTogether
Aries
What the hell happened to all your goals and aspirations Aries? And when the f*ck did you give up on your dreams? Get your head out of your ar$e and instead of filling your body with alcohol and all sorts of other kinds of crap to drown your sorrows, try reigniting the fire in your belly. Once that match is struck, you can rediscover all the things that made you happy and excited and glad to be alive. Step into the unknown sweetie and embrace all the endless possibilities life has to offer. You can make each day glorious or you can wallow in misery – the choice is yours! #DareToDream
Taurus
Your communication skills are utter pants Taurus, so why not try being a little more direct and then just maybe people won’t trample all over you. Grow a pair, stand your ground, stop being a f*cking mug, and hopefully the manipulative tw*tspangles will get the message loud and clear, before they move on to their next unwitting victims! Now is the time to start acting a little more bullish, which will give everyone around you – should they need it – a firm and fair warning…back the f*ck off. You are a strong person and you no longer take any $hit from anyone! #StopPeoplePleasing
Gemini
Stop worrying about your public image on social media, and for the love of your own sanity, not to mention that of your nearest and dearest, stop posting fake bull$hit in order to make your life seem more interesting. And don’t bother trying to keep up with other influencers (tw*tspangles), who think the art of taking a perfect selfie is THE most important thing in the world. These sad numpties need to be given a wide berth, tho’ be warned that if you also blindly continue down this soulless path, you’d better watch out that those around you don’t start giving you a wide berth too! #GetYourPrioritiesRight
Cancer
Are you getting the attention you want or think you deserve? Are you putting in enough effort sweetie? If things don’t go your way do you behave like a proper grown up or do you act like a childish tw*t? Your actions will always determine how others react and treat you in return. It’s time to up the ante and start being a better person. When you’re kind, considerate, helpful, carefree and fun, you’re a joy to be around and people will gravitate towards you. This is how you get the attention you want and absolutely deserve, comprende? #GoodThoughtsGoodWordsGoodDeeds
Leo
Your approach to healthy living has been nothing short of abysmal lately and now is the time to shape up sweetie before you end up a junk food addict in desperate need of detoxing by force! No more Maccie D’s or KFC for thee! Delete those food delivery apps immediately before you succumb to any more tasty deals that relentlessly ping through to your phone day after day. You don’t need that kind of temptation Leo, especially as you’ve morphed into a weak fool whose lazy ar$e is incapable of getting up and making a good nutritious meal! Change needs to happen. NOW! #ChangeYourHabitsChangeYourLife