Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!
I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.
Greetings my darling readers and welcome to February, which I like to call the month of love!
Now you may have thought that this month’s issue would be all lovey-dovey, flowery, fluffykins, schmaltzy kinda love, however, that’s not the case around here, as we rarely follow the crowd. Oh no, no, no…this magazine likes to lead the crowd and where we lead, others follow!
So with that in mind I’ll introduce you to this month’s theme which is inspired by the legend of the Yeti, a mythical, ape-like creature, said to hide out in the Himalayan mountains and also known as the Abominable Snowman.
The Yeti is said to be a large, hairy, manlike animal and although there are many reported sightings of both the Yeti and its footprints, there is no concrete evidence to support its existence. However, it’s worth heeding that old adage; “just because you can’t see something, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist!”
Incidentally, this creature is not to be confused with old Bigfoot, aka Sasquatch, which is supposedly native to North America rather than Asia. Decorum, decency and my thoroughbred breeding prevent me from making any waspish asides about straggly-haired, cloven-hoofed hot messes Stateside, along with wondering about the existence of a certain hustling couple’s progeny. But if you know, you know…
Anyway, one digresses…
Now where does one start? Ah yes…let’s get started with mythical creatures or – as the glossy posse declares on every single occasion we all get together – just any decent men in general which seem about as elusive as the Yeti!
You may well ask what is a decent man in general? So after consulting the posse, this is a shortlist, or hit list even(!) that we have compiled, which began life as an extremely long and exhaustive list. However, it was decided that we condense it somewhat in order not to terrify the life out of the female population who may happen upon this well-researched, insightful column.
BTW, an honorary member of the glossy posse is that famous singleton of our times – Bridget Jones. With the flourish of a generously-filled wine glass and a flick of the hair, we can often be heard saying, “what would Bridget do/say/think about this?” such is the high esteem she is held in. ‘She’ definitely adds a quirky frisson to our musings!!
May I also add as a footnote that this list has taken mucho consideration including hours and hours of soul-searching AND countless epic bitch fests as we’ve recalled the many dating disasters we’ve endured over the years, to compile a list of attributes of what we are most definitely NOT looking for in a decent man.
LADIES…WE DO NOT WANT A MAN WHO:
- Cheats on you with anyone and everyone; however, it takes a special kind of scumbag who does the dirty deed with none other than your (so-called) best friend!
- Leads you on by telling you what you want to hear, for example, that he’s looking to commit to an exclusive relationship and eventually settle down and have a family, when what he really means is he wants someone to have mind-blowing sex with until he either gets bored, or a more attractive proposition comes his way!
- Takes you for granted and stops trying to impress you. It takes work and a modicum of perseverance to keep the spark alive after the initial honeymoon period ends. In our experience, men in general are too lazy to put in the legwork to maintain the excitement, passion and emotional connection needed within a thriving, nurturing relationship, because that requires them to – heaven forbid – behave like a grown up!
- Is unable to communicate or express how they’re feeling. We do NOT want the strong silent type; we want the ones who are not tongue-tied, will wax lyrical, telling you how special you are, how much they idolise, love and worship you, and couldn’t live without you!
- An overgrown manchild with Mummy issues, who can’t be prised away from his pile of manky takeaway boxes and games consoles. Whilst their gaming dexterity might be a useful – ahem – transferable ‘skill’, no self respecting gal wants to play second fiddle to Grand Theft Auto or the latest drop from FIFA!
Soooo the big question is…
What do women want?
I’ll tell you what we want, what we really, really want…
Because in a nutshell, who really has the time and patience to go into the itty bitty details?!
We want a man who is good at RAP: ROMANCE, AFFECTION & PASSION!
Find yourselves a ‘rap artist’ ladies and you will have hit the jackpot by winning the love lottery, and finding that mythical creature all in one fell swoop! Hallelujah and praise be to Cupid!
Although on a more personal, revelatory note, one must confess to having developed quite an eye for a certain type. Not necessarily a certain ginger, but definitely someone who can still land himself various high-society events of similar standing. One rather wistfully recalls his last ever appearance at a society gala, strutting around like an heir, but without the inheritance or any of the responsibilities. It was all rather charming in a vaguely quaint yet also tragic sort of way. But alas, if the stories are to be believed, despite his public persona, it seems that there’s a verrrry different character behind the mask when ‘off duty’.
But let’s face it, who wants a man whose claim to fame is telling stories in print or sitting on Oprah’s couch, whilst ungraciously throwing their family under the bus?
To sum up, one prefers an attentive, affectionate gentleman of some social standing, whose dignity is relatively intact, and not someone loudly seeking a “private life” – whatever that’s supposed to mean these days…Please form an orderly queue!
And on that indelicate bombshell my darling readers – which happens to be the name of one’s fabulous new perfumed body products range, available for purchase v v soon ~ details in next month’s issue! -it’s time for little ol’ moi to bid you adieu…
Toodles…
P.S. Team Heaven Gals
Talking of mythical creatures and folklore, one is feeling more than a little spooked, and wonders if there are some gremlins eavesdropping, along with one’s laptop being possessed***! Half of the glossy posse are still trying to book some intensive one-to-one facetime with their personal shamans to figure it out!!
The posse and I had been tipsily reading out each other’s horoscopes for Valentine’s day, cynically lamenting the occasion. We popped outside with a magnum or two of bubbles, to cast some magical spells by the light of the full moon. One had securely locked the laptop in the study whilst we frolicked by moonlight.
On returning to the house for some fortifying cognac to warm ourselves up, we found that the laptop had mysteriously rebooted, with the Valentine’s Day horoscopes (below) scrolling across the screen.
Rather eerily, Public Image Ltd’s ‘This Is Not A Love Song’ was playing on a loop in the background…
One wishes one could take credit for these saccharine-free pearls of astrological insights, but one is going to have to defer to the misanthropic, mischief-making gremlin gods and goblins…How thrilling!!
**Aries (March 21 – April 19):** Today, you’re feeling all fired up, but not for love. The only thing heating up is your impatience for this day to be over. Cupid’s arrow? More like a slap in the face.
**Taurus (April 20 – May 20):** Valentine’s Day has you questioning why you still bother with the whole “romantic gestures” thing. A box of chocolates? Please, just give me a nap and some peace.
**Gemini (May 21 – June 20):** Your love life is as confusing as ever. One minute you’re “I need someone special,” the next, you’re “Why do people even bother with relationships?” Valentine’s Day? Just a reminder that commitment is a trap.
**Cancer (June 21 – July 22):** You’re feeling extra sentimental today, but it’s really just the nostalgia for simpler times when you didn’t have to pretend to enjoy this holiday. Time to drown your emotions in chocolate—alone.
**Leo (July 23 – August 22):** You demand attention, but deep down, you know no one really gets you. Valentine’s Day is just a reminder that while you deserve a crown, everyone else is just handing out roses. *How predictable.*
**Virgo (August 23 – September 22):** You’re too busy overthinking the meaning of love to actually enjoy it. Valentine’s Day? A perfect excuse for you to judge the chaotic mess of other people’s relationships. Good luck convincing yourself that you’re not bitter.
**Libra (September 23 – October 22):** You’re stuck between trying to balance what you *should* want on Valentine’s Day and what you *actually* want: some peace and quiet. No, you’re not asking for too much. Yes, you probably are.
**Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):** You’re too intense for a Hallmark holiday. Valentine’s Day is beneath you. You’d rather have a deep, brooding conversation about existential loneliness than get swept up in the romance of it all.
**Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):** You’ll pretend you don’t care, but secretly, you’re avoiding all the love-themed nonsense today. You’d rather plan your next solo adventure than deal with the cringey clichés of this day.
**Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):** You’ll take your career over a date any day. Love? Meh. Valentine’s Day just feels like another day to get some work done—plus, it’s an excuse to avoid awkward small talk with anyone asking about your love life.
**Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):** Valentine’s Day? Just another social construct to you. You’ve already got your own weird ideas about relationships, and today only proves that *everyone else* is missing the point. But hey, enjoy the flowers.
**Pisces (February 19 – March 20):** You’re feeling extra sensitive today, but not in the romantic way. You’ll probably end up getting swept up in some sad, romantic movie marathon to escape the void. Valentine’s Day? A cruel reminder that love is *not* a fairytale.
*** Spoiler alert: Zero gremlins on the premises. Mummy has admitted to letting herself into the study to use one’s laptop, as she is auditioning to write horoscopes and an agony aunt column for a leading society magazine, to bring in some pin money. She’d been listening in and was ‘inspired’ by our topical musings. Oh dear – I do hope we haven’t scuppered her chances to land the writing gig by printing them here first!!