Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!

I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.

Greetings and salutations my darling readers.

This month’s issue is called warpaint and what lady doesn’t like to put a little slap on, oh and accompanied by more than a little bit of tickle? Wink wink…especially if one is going into a hot and heavy battle…#SlapAndTickle 

These days, one’s battles tend to mostly be with:

• Daddy for obvious reasons, especially when he drones on about one’s spending habits, one’s taste in men, the lack of a husband, yada, yada, yada, yawn…However, he has mellowed somewhat now that one has become a successful award-winning journalist, and financially self-sufficient. It has helped enormously tho that one has finally taken off her rose-tinted spectacles and finally seen the ginger whinger for the windbag he is. 
• Daddy’s lawyers - they behave like a rather annoying battalion, where every single one of my [many] indiscretions are analyzed with tactical and military precision whilst they decide the best course of action to keep the family name and finances from being dragged through the courts. Now as much as they grind one’s gears, I must say that they really do put together a rather fabulous ironclad NDA along with a foolproof gagging clause!
• Backstabbing former gal pals. Unfortunately, there have been quite a few of these treacherous women in one’s life over the years, escalating their bitchy gossip to levels that would shock even the most hard-nosed of mean girls. Really darlings. Is there any need to be quite so vindictive towards a female friend or frenemy even? And as the old saying goes, keep your friends close and your (fr)enemies closer. In one’s experience of such matters over the years, one has found it to be far more beneficial to kill people with kindness as it does tend to completely throw them off their game, rendering them powerless. It’s a win-win situation as they never know quite how to react, let alone retaliate because they never see it coming. Lady P - stealth ninja at your service!
• Disgruntled suitors. Now don’t get me wrong my darling readers, I do understand their predicament, because once you have been the recipient of my love and devotion, only to have it taken away - one’s boundaries and self-respect are off the scale these days darlings - only then do they belatedly wake up and eventually appreciating just what a precious gift my love and devotion was. They feel bereft now that they’re no longer in receipt of my benevolence however, if they are so bloody pig-headed and idiotic to have scuppered the chance of a lifetime to be spent with little ol’ moi, then more fool them I say! Know one’s value I say, especially when one is priceless…

I am more than prepared for any war that anyone wants to wage with me. And one does look rather fabulously fetching in fatigues and who doesn’t love a good helmet?!  So let battle commence my darling readers.

Anyway, I digress…

Back to the subject of warpaint and the confidence it gives when one has an expertly made-up face. It really can be a work of art, worthy of hanging in any gallery, and is such an ego boost to know that one is looking sensational.

Here are one’s top tips for achieving the face that will make you smile and feel ever so sexy, sassy, confident and utterly ravishing:

• Always buy the best products you can afford. You only get one face so look after it and treat it well. Although one does know a fair few who are two-faced, or on their umpteenth ‘tweakment’...
• Your face is a blank canvas so experiment, have fun and paint it any way you like. There are millions of video tutorials out there for inspiration, or to teach you any look you want to create.
• A bad workman (or woman) blames their tools - so make sure you have the right tools required to perform the job.
• It’s only makeup darlings, so if it goes wrong, it’s no biggie, you only have to wash it off and start again. 
• If all that fails and you’re still not getting that confidence boost, then by all means call in the cavalry by drafting in a professional. Keep them on speed dial for those times you need to feel and look your best.
• And finally, do remember to take it off before you take a tumble between the sheets. There’s nothing quite so unsexy as waking up the following morning looking like an Alice Cooper tribute act, or as if you’ve gone several rounds with a boxer, or then again my darlings, maybe you have … The black eyes and smudged lip stain is sooo not a good look, well not unless your name is Robert Smith (The Cure), and as for the makeup-stained sheets, even less so! You want to look desirable my darlings, not like a deranged relative of the Joker’s! And yes, you can thank me later for that invaluable nugget of information.

Meanwhile - and in closing - Daddy just had a news alert and has bellowed across to me that a certain ginger someone is back in the country this week. Tho Daddy being Daddy, couldn’t resist his own brand of mischief by saying “Now there’s someone who puts the ‘nob’ into nobility”...Crikey. Daddy really is mellowing in his dotage…

 

And on that note, toodle pip and see you all next month my darlings, with some more pearls of one’s wisdom with Lady P’s Life Lessons.

Mwahh,

***Team Heaven gals*** FYI, I have the most divine and excellent reason to have taken off my rose-tinted ginger goggles; but I won’t bore or overload you darling gals with too much salacious sauce in one sitting… Ciao, xx