Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!

I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.

Greetings and salutations my darling readers - I bid you a warm and whacky welcome to the circus!

This month’s issue addresses the clown world we are now living in - and let me tell you, wonderful people, one has met more than her (un)fair share of clowns in one’s lifetime. Thankfully, being an independent woman of the world, one has developed a rather unique filing system where one can triage and store these idiots!

Storage Facility 1

In sporting terms, consider this akin to the ‘sin bin’ which has already featured heavily in this year’s Six Nations rugby tournament!

This entails temporary incarceration for feckless fools who behave like the class clown with their silly pranks, sexist jokes that only they find funny, and those who take pleasure in ridiculing others.

One usually finds that by sending them to social Siberia, to ‘grey rock’ them, where they have no active audience usually does the trick. And a great acerbic putdown usually breaks their spirit, bringing them into submission and to heel, with a pithy retort such as “Darling, if we needed entertaining we would have hired a court jester. Don’t give up the day job!” Works a treat every time!

Storage Facility 2

The vortex - an inescapable hell for cheating casanovas, philandering playboys or the love ‘em and leave ‘em brigade, not that the ‘fairer sex’ of femme fatales, sultry seductresses and vampish vixens escape my critical gaze either. One can usually hear these Casanovic coves long before one sees them. But if you’ve not heard them coming, fear not. There’s still time to save yourself! 

Nobody wants or deserves to be treated that way, unless they also happen to fit the aforementioned profiles, in which case, for those indiscretions and crimes my darling readers, there cannot and will not be any leniency whatsoever. NO MERCY!

Can you imagine what this lot would get up to with only each other for company? All behaving badly, with the same lack of scruples and a moral compass. These dubious individuals deserve each other AND it would make for a fascinating reality TV programme. In fact I think I might punt this idea to a few of Daddy’s TV exec friends and see if anyone wants to take a nibble! Oh hold up. Our screens are already awash with these oxygen-stealing attention seekers and c*ckwombles. Talk about a match made in Hell. They're welcome to each other and saves them from spoiling any other couplings!

Storage Facility 3

Lady P’s very own Room 101 - this was a torture chamber in the Ministry of Love in George Orwell's novel, Nineteen Eighty-Four, which inspired the TV and radio programmes. This is the place to consign and confine those who incessantly get on one’s nerves.

Now for this next part, I have cheekily borrowed a few descriptive terms from that genius gal - and former professional singleton - Bridget Jones, to which I have added some insights of my own.

Alcoholics - unless completely committed to the 12 steps.

Workaholics - unless they can commit to at least one day a week of total and utter devotion to little ol’ moi, consisting of ‘mutually beneficial activities’ to include a little wine, dine… and well you know how the rest of this rhyming couplet goes my darlings!

Commitment phobics - now this is non-negotiable for me and I don’t care how much people bleat on about putting yourself in their position or giving them some space, don’t force feelings and if it’s meant to be it will be… blah, blah, blah. Ultimatums are not always the best option unless you’re prepared to take the rough with the smooth, and not get the answer you (think you) want. However, you will at least know where you stand once and for all, saving yourself time and heartache!

People with girlfriends, wives or any other kind of ‘significant other’ - send them to the vortex in Storage Facility 2! You do not pass go, you do not collect £200 and you do not continue with the game. Your get out of jail card free has been permanently revoked and torn up for good measure.

Misogynists - we see you and mostly you make us chuckle because you obviously feel threatened by women, especially confident, powerful and knowledgeable women who know their own minds. However, we also feel pity for you for being such a narrow-minded pathetic, narcissistic excuse of a human being who has such a low opinion of women. Underestimate us at your peril!

Megalomaniacs - you know the type? Very reminiscent of Dr Evil from the Austin Powers film, with their ridiculous, far-fetched, dangerous escapades and hair-brained schemes that seem to monopolise every thought that pops into their hyper-focused, tunnel vision mind in their constant quest for world domination. AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

Chauvinists - not to be confused with the misogynists who dislike women; no, chauvinists just think they are far superior to us and don’t treat us as equals. They think we are naturally less important, less intelligent, and less able than them. Really? Do they still believe that old chestnut? I just have one thing to say: MULTI-TASKING! They are the clowns of the circus; we are the jugglers!

Emotional f*ckwits - they can be quite hard to detect until you, unfortunately, become emotionally attached to them which can be a right royal pain in the derriere! Who the hell wants to be saddled with someone who is emotionally unavailable, confused or completely clueless? I want a partner, a lover, an equal. Someone who is both intellectually and physically stimulating. Not somebody I have to bloody babysit! My maternal instincts are finite. I do not wish to squander them on a lover!

Freeloaders - now I can be generous to a fault, however, do not fall into the trap of thinking that this Lady is a pushover. Or an ATM. Oh no siree! I have no time for hangers-on, leeches or parasites that look at me and get pound signs floating in their eyes. I am not your meal ticket, nor will I provide you with a lofty title or cushy lifestyle to which you seem to think you are entitled. Dream on mother-sucker!

Perverts - now this Lady is no prude and does love herself a bit of kink, and who doesn’t have the odd little fetish my darlings?! However, there is a lot of sexual behaviour these days that is, in my opinion, abnormal and downright unacceptable. I blame the ease with which pornography is so readily available and the internet. Twisted, sick, warped and unhinged are just a few words that spring to mind. Really, do these people have no shame?! If I wanted to encounter so many different bodily fluids and emissions, I would have signed up to be a nurse. Or a toilet attendant!

To ever so slightly digress, it makes me nostalgic for the times my cousins would excitedly find Daddy’s not-so-well-hidden stash of magazines…Tho I do think ‘hiding’ them in the games room was intentional, and all part of their sex education, to induct them into the joys of the female form!

Hypocrites - thought I’d save the ‘best’ til last my darlings. You know the type. Preaching and lecturing us mere mortals about the environment, yet take private jets to pay fleeting flying self-indulgent visits to events at the drop of a hat. Or preaching about #BeKind and family values whilst throwing their nearest and dearest under the nearest (Air)bus or entirely ignoring their family. Such double standards, but if one has two faces, then what can we expect…

Please do PROCEED WITH CAUTION my darlings: Clowns to the left of you, jokers to the right, just don’t get stuck in the middle!

Lady P’s conclusion is that clowns come in as many different shapes and forms as the balloon shapes they make! Whether they are funny, entertaining, silly or just plain evil, it’s best to give all these clowns a wide berth and stay the hell away from the circus! Unless of course, you have a penchant for walking the tightrope. Safety net optional…

Stay safe - and remember my darlings - you don’t need a clown to turn your frown upside down,

Mwahh,