Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!

I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.

Strap in my darlings, as this month’s saga is about to launch in T-minus…5…4…3…2…1…

LIFT OFF!

Nearly two years ago, back in June 2023, one was offered the opportunity to travel into space on Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic commercial spaceflight when it first launched; or as Daddy not so eloquently or elegantly stated, “our Dita has been offered a ride on some virginal Big Dick’s Rocket!”

As generous as Ricardo’s offer was, one decided to take a rain check. Obviously, it would’ve been exciting and great to have made history. However, a more prudent approach was required; therefore, I deferred this fabulous offer until I felt a little more reassured that there were a few more missions successfully accomplished before one would park one’s fabulously, otherworldly derriere on board!

Anyway, I digress…

Allow Spacecraft Commander Lady P to take you on an epic fact-finding mission as we hurtle through this month’s all-important quest:

“How to determine if your partner’s an obsessed sci-fi geek”

Below is a list of 12 questions you need to ask your partner to see how strong the force is with them.

Can they name:

• all the Star Wars films correctly and in chronological order?
• the cat aboard the USCSS Nostromo in Alien?
• the candy that Elliot used to lure E.T.?
• the island which Jurassic World is on?
• at least 5 enemies of Dr Who?
• the robot sidekick of Buck Rogers?
• the NFL team Flash Gordon played quarterback for prior to being launched into space?

Can they perform:

• the ‘live long and prosper' sign’?

Do they know:

• what a flux capacitor is?
• what happens on May 4th?
• in Star Wars the Millenium Falcon made the ‘Kessel Run’ in less than how many parsecs?
• what is the nationality of Star Trek’s Spock?

If your partner scores:

• A big FAT zero, then asking them, “is that a Buzz Lightyear blaster in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?” is about as much use to you as a chocolate teapot and will only draw further blanks!
• Between 1 and 3, perhaps suggest an Alien box set marathon in order to scare the living daylights out of them, thus ensuring a snuggle-fest on the couch, which could lead to some very interesting ‘sofa, so good’ antics!
• Between 3 and 6, then it’s time to exterminate the telly, forcing them to take part in some other activities with you. Use your imagination and choose wisely, or they could blow a fuse, stopping the flow of electricity between you!
• Between 6 and 9, it’s probably time to take on the persona of Ming the Merciless and punish them until they give you their undivided attention by making you the centre of their universe!
• Between 9 and 11, some distraction tactics are urgently required, like beaming them up to their StarShip Enterprise-themed bedroom for some urgent body maintenance.

And if they get a full house, then the only course of action is to make sure you both have a passionate night to remember, and to reenact Princess Leia in the gold bikini with Han Solo!!

Can your partner take you to infinity and beyond?

Ultimately, my darling, only you know whether you can handle a full-on sci-fi geek. Will it hinder or enhance your relationship? I mean, who doesn’t love a bit of role play, and they do say that variety is the spice of life!

With that in mind, my darlings, one is off to peruse some online fancy dress hire shops.

I am a woman with a lot of ‘flexible friends’- in more ways than one - and I’m not afraid to use them!

May the force be with you,

Toodles,

***Team HQ***

Oh my oh my dear gals. One had signed off and was all set to submit this month’s column, with absolutely every intention of it being a waspish-observations and washed-up-royal-free zone, only to be scuppered by a plethora of galactic PR clusterf**ks from across the pond - tho we’re none too short on our shores either - and which I could not possibly allow to pass without some comment; moreso now that one has taken to volunteering in the local community, and been exposed to a WIDE variety and cross-section of polite - and impolite - society, with their deliciously unique take on current affairs, but one digresses…

In fact, one is rather spoiled for choice in the race to the bottom of the barrel, with the competition being exceptionally high this past month.

Where on earth do we begin, or should that be where do we end?

We were spoilt with the world’s first all-female, Blue Origin’s space ‘crew’, aka the most expensive hen party, EVER. We saw you, Mrs soon-to-be-Bezos, with your fellow hens sub-orbital space travellers. Or to give them their proper title: ‘Participants’! ‘Crew’, they most definitely are not! If we’re to follow Blue Origin’s line of logic, every airborne holidaymaker will be saying they’re a pilot or air steward on their CV! 

No sooner than one had barely finished rolling one’s eyes, one had to endure a multiple-pronged, multi-media assault on one’s senses, from the muppets of Monte$hitshow, and their incessant headline grabbing.

We were ‘treated’ to the pugnacious prince’s costly pratfalls in the British courts, and his follow up whingeterview with the Beeb - shame on you Auntie Beeb!; being caught on Ring camera footage, roaming the streets of London playing ‘knock down ginger’ #TrueStory, whilst jettisoning some of his charitable ventures under a bit of a cloud…

This was accompanied by an abundance of ‘output’ from the Martha Stewart wannabe, podcaster extraordin-boring-aire, female-flounderer, flogger of runny WhatEver ‘jam’, more faux homespun mothering wisdom schtick, and indeterminate pics of the back of some children’s heads, whose hair colour and physical size varies from photo to photo. What tangled webs are woven…

I could go on, but one has an early start with one’s volunteering in the morning. Such a darling bunch too. Never ones to shy away from sharing an opinion. Who knows. One might possibly feature some of their social commentary and soundbites in future columns?

But just to give you a taster of a recent meet-up, where we were discussing the ginger whinger’s tribulations and his captor’s self-aggrandising mother’s day post. I asked if any of them were tempted to listen to her recent podcasts. Their unanimous reply? “We’d rather $hit in our hands and clap for 24 hours, than listen to that simpering self-indulgent nonsense.” I took that to be a ‘thanks but no thanks’. It would appear high and ‘low’ society have far more in common than what divides them...

And I thought that Daddy had a colourful turn of phrase…Perhaps I should introduce them to each other…