Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Taurus

Stop complaining Taurus and just shut the f*ck up! Your endless moaning and groaning with just about everything is utterly exhausting and draining to those around you who have to put up with this annoying $hit day in, day out. This has got to bloody stop NOW! For the love of humanity sweetie, you're morphing into Ebenezer Scrooge, and it’s nowhere near Christmas you miserable f*cker! So, try being a tad more optimistic, and maybe your nearest and dearest will tolerate being around you more instead of avoiding you at all costs. #PersonalityTransplantRequiredNOW

Gemini

You’re a right little chatterbox lately with a narcissistic need to discuss EVERY LITTLE THING in itty bitty detail. Oh how you love the sound of your own voice! And boy oh boy, do you believe your opinion IS always bang on the money, which in reality is poppycock! Now your audience will be split into three camps. The fickle f*ckers who find you endearing, but haven’t got a f*cking clue what you’re blathering on about! The virtue-signaling f*ckwits who are equally as nauseating and sanctimonious as you; and then we have the people with inbuilt bull$hit detectors that sound the warning alarm when a dickhead like you enters their orbit! #ReadTheRoom

Cancer

Stop worrying about everyone else and, for once in your life, try putting yourself first! You constantly run around after these needy f*ckers who are a drain on all your resources - physically, mentally and financially, so unless they are dependent children and not adults acting like big babies… STOP wiping their arses and leave them to get off their lazy backsides and start doing things for themselves. This will eliminate all bad behaviour with immediate effect and Hallelujah, your precious time will once again be yours to do whatever the f*ck you want with it! #StopBeingAPushover

Leo

Your feelings are coming across loud and clear Leo, because you have lost the ability to hide them well. This poses a teeny tiny problem sweetie, especially at work when colleagues pi$$ you off and you cannot disguise your look of pure disdain AND disbelief that people can be such clueless tw*ts! And then there’s that internal struggle of holding your tongue when every instinct is urging you to tell these numpties to shut the f*ck up! It’s probably best to stay schtum and just quietly fume to yourself, thus averting warfare in the workplace. You don’t need that kind of trivial bull$hit in your life! #DoNotEngage

Virgo

Do you know what you need Virgo? An epic night out with friends, lots of fun and big belly laughs until the tears are streaming down your face (and legs!!). Laughter is the best medicine, and a big dose of this will erase the stress and anxiety that’s been plaguing you for the last few weeks. Just remember not to go totally OTT or you may end up worse for wear, possibly nursing the mother of all hangovers or heaven forbid, discovering you made a complete tit of yourself AND then, only to make matters even worse, watch your shame play out on various social media sites, uploaded by your idiotic friends who thought it was a funny idea at the time! #DontRiskAlcoholRegret

Libra

What the f*ck happened to your ambition Libra? It’s MIA, and maybe now is the time to hunt it down. Possible locations include: It’s on vacation somewhere fabulous and fun; It’s melted away under the strong rays of the spring sun; It’s sunk to the bottom of a wine bottle; It’s hiding away just in case anyone else insults it or takes the pi$$ out of it! Or, quite frankly, it can’t be f*cking bothered to turn up! Maybe now it’s time to pull yourself together, sweetie, stop feeling sorry for yourself and rediscover your mojo. As they say in Swansea, “Ambition is critical”. #IfYouKnowYouKnow

Scorpio

You can finally reveal what your heart desires…well, at least to your nearest and dearest, as we doubt strangers in the street will be champing at the bit to hear them! You revealing your hopes and dreams to folk at the local supermarket may well get you odd looks, unkind comments or even a shop ban if you go totally OTT! However, with that in mind do feel free to wax lyrical to your inner circle who will either embrace your aspirations and ambitions with enthusiasm or they’ll relentlessly take the pi$$ out of you as they always do…and, as usual, your default setting and reply will be…”f*ck em!” #FriendsWillBeFriends

Sagittarius

It’s time to spring clean your mind from all the crap swirling around it…the whimsical nonsense mind, the overactive mind, the cluttered mind and most of all…the filthy mind!! Your mind has had so much bull$hit that’s taken up residence, it’s a wonder that it’s not drowning under a tonne of doggy doo dah! To achieve this much-needed process, you will need to activate the following steps: A digital detox is essential, so step away from social media; turn off the wi-fi and all other electronic devices; lock away the chargers; and reconnect with the real world. #YourMindWillThankYou

Capricorn

The words you spout out off the cuff are having rather unexpected results, as the recipients of them are quite taken aback! It’s fair to say they’re absolutely f*cking flabbergasted and cannot believe you have the audacity to say them, however, in your defence sweetie you’re just pi$$ed off at at having to dilute your thoughts in order to appease others, AND, from this day forth, you’re no longer going to toe that line whether it pleases or offends! The time has come to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and so help anyone who gets in your bloody way! #TheTruthSometimesHurts

Aquarius

You’ve been accused of being a selfish barstud, but do you know what you need to say to your accusers sweetie? F*ck off! Be polite…be firm and show them you mean business. You will not back down, you will not bend to their will. They no longer have any power over you, so those manipulative little f*ckers can go and do one! Self-care is not being selfish, and you have to do what’s in your best interests, not theirs. Once you’ve set out your stall, you’ll feel a hell of a lot better as a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders and everyone knows where they stand. Bravo! #KnowYourOwnWorth

Pisces

Free your mind and be open to different ideas. You’ve been a pompous know-it-all tw*t for far too long sweetie and let’s be brutally honest - you’re not an all-knowing oracle so stop behaving like a friggin’ narcissistic nincompoop! We all need to keep learning and growing, so instead of pooh-poohing people with different ideas, try embracing them and soaking up their knowledge. Knowledge is powerful, and the more you gain, the better a person you will become. And don’t forget to share your knowledge along the way too. It will make you far more interesting and intriguing, and perhaps your popularity might even soar! #AdaptAndOvercome

Aries

The house is falling down around you because you’re a lazy slob whose arse is bolted to the sofa whilst one hand is either welded to the TV remote or is cradling your mobile phone like a toddler unable to let go of their comfort blanket! Stop being a sad act, put down the devices and admit that this addiction needs to be conquered immediately before you end up with square eyes and repetitive strain injury in your hands! The time has come to call in the heavy squad…aka, family and friends so they can stage an intervention and prevent you from being sucked into the digital vortex forever! #DigitalDetoxRequiredNow