Menopausal Hotties

The hottest topic in town

“Space: the final frontier.
These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out
new life and new civilizations;
to boldly go where no one has gone before!”
source: Captain Kirk, Star Trekk

Or should that be?

“Menopause: the final straw.
These are the chronicles of a frustrated hottie.
Her continuing, never-ending $hitshow: a discovery
of weird and wacky symptoms;
to boldly tell family and friends to f*ck off - unless they too
have endured a similar journey!”
source: Emma Heaven (and on behalf of hotties everywhere)

Most days, we hotties can feel like we have lost control of our bodies and minds. In fact, if our nearest and dearest were probed on our behaviour, they would most definitely say we had quite possibly been abducted by aliens and subjected to physical and psychological experimentation.

Welcome to the insane journey through peri/menopause, an out-of-this-world experience like no other that’s so bat$hit crazy it turns you into someone soooo alien you hardly recognise yourself anymore!

Do you remember that scene from Star Wars: A New Hope where Luke Skywalker orders a drink in the Cantina at the lawless Mos Eisley Spaceport, where the clientele includes an ‘eclectic’ mix of characters, including pilots, smugglers, bounty hunters, alien misfits, and renegades? Well, now you can add menopausal women to that eclectic list because, quite frankly, they have a LOT in common with most of that motley crew!

The barman who’s so pi$$ed off with impatient people wanting his attention and service, that he could flip at any given moment…
The one who loses his $hit and has a breakdown because he didn't like the look of someone, or they just happened to look at him the wrong way!
Or C3PO, who doesn’t know what the f*ck he’s doing there in the first place, so off he pops!

With the quick change of those character names, you could just as easily be describing a fellow hottie!

The body and mind you once knew are now lost in a galaxy far, far away, and the prospect of getting them back seems light years away! Tho not even an invitation to be cooped up with an all-female ‘crew’, journeying to the cusp of space in search of the aforementioned lost body and mind, would tempt you. You’re hormonal, not lobotomised or in desperate search for PR!

Ladies - how many times a day will we have to endure yet another Close Encounter of losing the f*cking plot?

What we hotties long to do is either shout “beam me up, Scottie” in the hope that we will magically be transported forwards in time and come out the other side of this arduous journey, OR turn the key in the ignition and initiate ‘warp speed ahead’!

And if you should find yourself gibbering away in Klingon, then it’s time to launch a rescue mission because “Houston, we have a f*cking problem!”

Rescue Mission Kit Contents:

Quiet space
Relaxing bath (candles optional)
Spa music
Large cold glass of fizz (other drinks are available)
Giant fluffy towel and/or bathrobe
Super comfy PJs
Good book/favourite film/box set or a smorgasbord of stand-up comedians to tickle your fancy
Luxury chocolates or savoury nibbles
More fizz!
C*ckwomble repellent!!

The menopause journey is like taking one small step at a time into the unknown, and if you come through the other end, it’s a giant leap for womankind!

May all you hotties live long and prosper. Or at least not go entirely bat$hit crazy, whichever one is the most achievable of the two. Otherwise, scroll back a bit and reread the Rescue Mission Kit until it becomes a way of life!