Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Pisces

You need to think carefully about your income and create a proper budget to live within your means rather than your usual default setting of spaffing it up a wall! Lessons need to be learned from months gone by when you’ve been left hungry and poor, cast aside like Billy-No-Mates without the wonga needed to party with friends, and all because you’ve acted like Billy-Big-Bollocks on payday, flashing and splashing the cash like a greedy politician abusing the taxpayers’ credit card and maxing it to the limit! ESSENTIAL INFORMATION FOR THE NUMPTIES: Your wages are meant to last the whole month and not just the first weekend of the month! #YouHaveBeenWarned

Aries

You long to create your very own private sanctuary away from the prying eyes of busybodies, aka interfering nosey f*ckers! This enables you to eat what you want, dress how you want, watch what you want, act how you want, and do whatever the f*ck you want! And the best part is - you don’t have to compromise or try to please anyone, you can just indulge in ‘you time’, safe in the knowledge that you don’t have to explain yourself either! Putting yourself first is not selfish - it’s self-care. An empty tank will take you absolutely nowhere - so it is essential to take the time to refuel! #YouAreYourPriority

Taurus

You are about to be bombarded with enthusiastic rounds of applause, exaggerated adoration and an obscene amount of arse kissing from f*ckwits who are about as genuine as a fake, 20-quid Louis Vuitton on a Chinese online shop! Just be aware of these disingenuous bull$hitters and take them with a very large pinch of salt! Please accept the compliments and excessive flattery while they blow smoke up your ar$e, safe and secure in the knowledge that you neither need these people in your life nor does their opinion matter in the grand scheme of things. #IKnowHowToSpotFakeF*ckers

Gemini

Instead of being part of the problem, it’s time to be part of the solution…so tackle your precarious financial situation like a proper grown-up instead of throwing your toys out of the pram like a childish tw*t! Life is hard, but it is so much harder if you’re stupid, so please get a f*cking grip, keep a cool head and try approaching this problem properly by getting sound advice and working through it step by step. Then, once you’ve sorted out your money worries, FFS make sure it never happens again. A mistake that keeps being repeated is not a mistake…it’s a choice…and a bloody bad choice at that! #ActionsHaveConsequences

Cancer

Are you turning into a dictator, forcing your opinions on others, bossing them around, craving absolute power over friends and family? Who, by the way, are probably having a bit of a giggle at your expense whilst behind your back mercilessly mocking your delusions of grandeur and most definitely making up silly nicknames, e.g. Tw*tty Tyrant, D!ckhead Despot or F*ckhead Fuhrer. Now you may think you have absolute power - but here’s the reality check sweetie…no, you friggin’ don’t. So wind your neck in and stop throwing your weight around before folk revolt and stage a coup! #HowTheMightyHaveFallen

Leo

Before you make any major decisions…think it over Leo. Please don’t do the usual jumping in with both feet first before you consider the consequences of your actions, because as you well know sweetie, this produces a $hitstorm being rained down upon you, covering you and all those who happen to be in the fallout zone. This $hitstorm - as with all previous $hitstorms - will leave people feeling battered and bruised with the inevitable bad smell that the $hitstorm brings. So tread carefully, and if you have to behave like a complete moronic tw*t, then please distribute large umbrellas to everyone around you so they can at least take some sort of cover! #ThinkBeforeYouAct

Virgo

Now is the time to lock down your inner circle FAST to find out who really has your back and who would rather stab you in the back! You know the famous saying: ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer’? Well, f*ck that sweetie; you don’t need that kind of negative $hit in your life, nor the constant worry that they may say or do something bloody awful, so give them the old heave-ho and send them packing to social Siberia, preferably on another planet where they can fester until they learn the consequences of destroying valuable friendships and being a jealous, evil f*ckwit! #KnowYourEnemy

Libra

Use your leadership qualities to make sure your latest pet project gets done properly Libra, because your usual lackadaisical, haphazard approach won’t cut the mustard, unless you want to end up with a subpar outcome! There’s no shame in asking for help, so stop being a pig-headed plonker and display the sign that says, ‘All help gratefully received’. Neon lights essential! Once you overcome that little obstacle sweetie, you’ll find that things proceed at a very fast pace, and $hit gets done - freeing up more time to enjoy the finer pleasures in life! #ManyHandsMakeLightWork

Scorpio

Maintenance is desperately required, and it’s a fair assessment to say that you've completely let things go of late, so much so that people are talking, and it’s not in a complimentary way... Wakey, wakey sweetie, before it's too late and you become the butt of some very unpleasant and unfunny jokes. Nobody wants to be turned into a vulgar meme on social media and message groups, but if you will insist upon doing a pretty pitch-perfect impersonation of Wayne or Waynetta Slob, then it’s going to encourage an almost inevitable pile-on from all the bitchy and nasty f*ckers among us, who will crawl out from under their rocks! #StandardsHaveDropped

Sagittarius

Create your very own house of fun where you can escape the doom and gloom on social media, especially all the fighting and mud-slinging resembling a bloody shootout at the O.K.Corral! Turn off and tune out, and try (re)connecting with real people in the real world, having real conversations and real-life experiences. Laughter is such a tonic for the misery inflicted when you continually doom scroll and argue with the know-it-all numpties who really haven't got a f*cking clue about anything other than repeating silly soundbites they’ve picked up from other pontificating numpties! #UniteAgainstTheNumpties

Capricorn

Please don’t go nuclear on your nearest and dearest Capricorn. They only have your best interests at heart, and you exploding on them for no good reason other than you’re feeling $hitty today is absolutely no way to bloody behave! Shame on you!! Temper tantrums are for toddlers, not friggin’ fully grown adults, so stop acting like a tw*t and put the petulant, childish behaviour back in its box before you end up doing or saying things that could bring about WW3; otherwise, sweetie, if you’re not careful, the people you once considered allies will become the enemy and may well go nuclear on YOU! #DontLoseControl

Aquarius

The time to find a new project is well overdue. Your creativity and imagination are festering away sweetie, so do the wise thing, fire up the magic and get the grey matter functioning once more. It doesn't have to be an enormous project, Aquarius, just something that stimulates the mind and gets those creative juices flowing. It’s best to start small so you don’t get overwhelmed and give up because it’s simply un-f*cking-doable! Once you lose your creativity and imagination, you lose your sparkle, seriously running the risk that your get-up-and-go will get-up-and-f*ck off - permanently!! #RelightMyFire