Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!

I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.

My darling readers, welcome to this month’s issue, which is all about sweeties, particularly those old-fashioned ones that bring back nostalgic feelings of one’s school days and having many a sticky bag of sweets stashed away to devour, especially after a particularly bland boarding school supper!

One was inspired to recreate that ‘kid in a candy store’ scenario by bringing the candy store to Chez Dita (rather than some rent-a-mansion) to entertain and treat one’s glossy posse.

In simple terms, one decided to throw a sweetie party for people one actually knows in real life, with not a flower petal or pretzel** in sight!!! ** more of which, later…

And to make sure it was the sweetie party of the decade, one called in the professionals to help procure and serve the most gloriously tasty and colourful sweet concoctions known to mankind; they would also double up as security on the night to prevent a repeat of our infamous schoolyard warfare and midnight bunfights! Heaven help anyone daring to come between a hormonal boarder and her Curly Wurly, so to speak…

DISCLAIMER: The following views expressed may contain occasional whiffs of irreverence but are in no way in reference to a certain ginger’s current wife’s (GCW) recent foray into hosting ‘at home’. Any similarities are purely satirical, coincidental and for entertainment purposes only. One shall leave it to others to effect change in the world with one artfully arranged fruit rainbow at a time… 

Anyway, one digresses…

Dita’s Sweetie Soiree

Essential to the evening’s success was to choose an array of delicious treats, which required the glossy posse to complete a quirky questionnaire in advance, to nominate their favourite confectionery. And oh boy, the posse did NOT disappoint in their response, with many blasts from the past, along with some rather raunchy, modern-day requests - one is not going to be naming names - the spoilsports made me sign an(other) NDA!

However, I was a woman - nay Lady - on a mission to secure as many items on the list as possible.

It soon became apparent that one would need to separate the sweet treats into three VERRRY distinct categories: 

Retro Revival

Fabulously Filthy

Devilishly Dangerous and Decadent

Retro Revival

Top of the retro roll call was sherbet, with the experts successfully sourcing a smorgasbord of the fizzy stuff, including good old-fashioned tangy sherbet crystal in an array of bright colours - with Herculean restraint we did NOT arrange them into a rainbow, along with some Dip Dabs and Sherbet Fountains because who doesn’t love to lick a lollipop or liquorice wand? However, Double Dips were not allowed because it’s simply rude to double dip in any situation! Then again, on second thoughts…

Foam shrimps and bananas nestled amongst fried eggs, jelly burgers, hot dogs and pizzas, chocolate candy fish and chips, and ice creams situated next to the jewellery section where gelatinous lollipop rings tantalisingly glinted alongside pastel-hued candy watches, bracelets and necklaces… it was a pick n mix dream come true!

Fabulously Filthy

With this confectionery category - for the mischievous minxes in our midst - we turned to Ann Summers to satisfy and titillate the taste buds. One would like to personally commend and congratulate the fabulous staff who helped organise this ‘sensual’ element of the soiree, and for creating such a fabulous display - it was both drool-worthy and shocking in equal amounts!

Taking their place in this playful exhibit were Cola Cocks, Jelly Willies, After Dinner Willies, Marshmallow Willies, Caramel Chocolate Willies, Popping Candy Chocolate Willies, Rainbow Willy Lolly - which was the only rainbow to be seen. I think you get the idea - the posse did wonder whether another Willy - Willy Wonka - would’ve blushed and sucked it up, so to speak, or run for the hills!?!

And if willies weren’t your thing, we also had Chocolate Boobs, Candy Nipple Tassels, Jelly Boobs, Boobie Biscuits and Choc Clits! Never has the female form looked so appetising…

The presentation was so artfully and sensually arranged that it seemed sacrilegious to spoil this work of art! Alas, decorum did not prevail for long, and it was verrrrrry much a bonding experience watching how each other approached these ‘delicacies’. And I don’t think I will look at Marsha and Caroline in the same way, ever again…

Devilishly Dangerous and Decadent

This section was for the seriously naughty and hedonistic amongst us - i.e. ALL of us! - and were determined to have fun by taking our love of sweets to the next level, Well, bar top level, to be more precise. Hit us up bartender!

The tipples on offer were:

• Candy Floss Fizz: a sticky concoction of pink gin, pink sparkling wine and pink candy floss. Cocked pinky optional!!
• Jelly Baby Jelly Shots: vodka-infused jelly decorated with mini jelly babies.
• Candy Cane Martini: vodka, white chocolate liqueur and peppermint schnapps. Shaken, not stirred - with a crushed candy cane rim…
• Tequila Space Dust Slammers: my unique take on the infamous Tequila Slammer! Instead of licking salt, you lick Space Dust, down your tequila shot, and instead of sucking on a lemon, you pop in a Barnetts Mega Sour Raspberry. This one is NOT for the faint-hearted; this really sorted out the women from the girls!!!

A riotous and memorable night was had by all, and it’s safe to say that it is the most successful and talked about shindig one has held since the astronomical success and notoriety of ‘The Dickies”!

To the uninitiated, this was an awards show one produced and hosted back in  August 2021. However, one does recommend reading one’s columns from April to August 2021 so you get the gist of why those awards were created and justified!

Do you think that, as an actual, bona-fide Lady of impeccable pedigree, one can get a ‘sofa tour’ - vs a casting couch #ImSayingNothing - with some of those sycophantic, touchy-feely TV chat show hosts, - or is that just a service only reserved for unimaginative, social-climbing plagiarists?!

Feeling more than a little giddy during our rip-roaringly, successful, fun and riotous sugar-fuelled ‘sweetie soiree’, the glossy posse and I - without a sugar daddy between us - couldn’t resist putting together a little pitch for that well-known streaming platform. Excuse its (current) lack of finesse, but it goes something like this:

“Introducing: When Netflix met Nobility ~ Lady P and Friends

Lady P wishes to present the ultimate antidote - and daresay, palate-cleanser - to ginger’s current wife’s (GCW) ‘offering’. Whilst it may appeal to the masses, Netflix & Nobility caters to the elite and truly aspirational audience, celebrating exclusivity, grace, and refinement. No jam or dog biscuits on sale here…

Picture it as Bridgerton meets The Great British Bake-Off - but with more scandal and mystery.

It’s the aristocratic equivalent of indulging in Valrhona chocolate: rich, smooth, and sophisticated, offering a more elevated experience than mere confectionery alone. Unlike GCW’s ‘interesting’ American approach, Netflix & Nobility aims to embody subtlety and authenticity.

The show could potentially feature interviews with life-long friends such as Dame Judi Dench and Sir David Attenborough, offering a glimpse into high society without stooping to influencers or a shared PR agent trading favours.

It would be the televisual equivalent of savouring a Godiva truffle - luxurious, slow, and refined, in contrast to the quick fix of flash in the pan, nouveau distractions.

The format would ideally revolve around aristocratic gatherings, where guests such as Lady Imogen, an expert on luxury products, and Sir Rupert Moreton-Hamilton, a former royal aide, engage in elegant conversation, irreverent asides, and (in)discreet waspish observations.

There will be no room for the noisy vulgarity of pretzels or the fleeting beauty of flower petals; here, only champagne, fine wines and quality fare will be served to the discerning guests and viewers. 

Lady P boldly declares ‘When Netflix Met Nobility’ would be the Lindt Excellence standard of television - rare, treasured, and widely revered by viewers. She invites you to leave behind fawning celebs, faux humility and self-promotion, instead embracing the grandeur of a world where elegance and authenticity reign supreme. Why settle for a run-of-the-mill Hershey’s when you can have your pick of the world’s finest chocolatiers?”

One has already been tentatively contacted by an agent in the business, and the glossy posse is already champing at the bit to be elevated and sprinkled…

Catch you later my darlings…

With love,