Zodiac Zingers - January 2025
Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Capricorn
Express yourself properly, otherwise, people are going to get the wrong end of the stick and try to bash you with it (metaphorically speaking of course!) Be very clear and precise with your words and be very clear with your intention so everybody understands completely…and if they don’t likey, well then sweetie they can f*ck offy. You don’t want drama nor arguments from out-of-control narcissists who think their opinions are THE ONLY ONES THAT MATTER OR COUNT! Tell them to shove their opinions where the sun don’t shine and STOP facilitating their giant egos! #BeConfidentBeBoldBeStrong

Aquarius
As per bloody usual Aquarius, You’re looking for shortcuts instead of doing things properly, so when it inevitably goes tits up, you have no one to blame other than yourself! Just for once, try doing things by the book and… Incoming spoiler alert: it probably will work out better than had you pulled out your usual haphazard bullshit routine, fucking up monumentally just because you were an arrogant know-it-all arsehole! Perhaps your New Year’s resolution should be to do things properly and maybe you won’t have to re-do them again. And again. And again!!
#AvoidLessonsLearnedTheHardWay

Pisces
Now is the time to bask in the spotlight Pisces. You have accomplished so much these last few months and it’s finally time to take a bow and receive the necessary adulation required, especially from those who doubted you and took the pi$$ behind your back! Who’s laughing now, eh sweetie? Take the praise on board graciously but always be on guard and never forget the doubters and pi$$takers who will highly likely be ready to strike again, anytime, any place, anywhere…now pour yourself a large friggin’ Martini and go celebrate!
#KeepYourFriendsCloseAndYourFrenemiesCloser

Aries
Things could get a little heated at home, so for the calm cohesion needed to avoid an all out war, perhaps keep some of your behaviours in check?! Adopt the clean-as-you-go motto and pick up your own f*cking mess, instead of expecting others to do it for you, which angers them to the point of exploding with rage; and, more often than not, slinging obscenities your way thus causing even more conflict and inflaming tensions further! A war of words can be avoided sweetie, by acting like a considerate human being for once, rather than an inconsiderate f*cking moron. #TreatOthersHowYouWantToBeTreated

Taurus
On your marks…get set…get ready…GO! This is your year Taurus to take the bull by the horns and knock it out of the friggin’ park. Your energy is bubbling away, ready to explode like a f*cking cork from a vintage bottle of wine that’s been begging to be popped for a very, VERY long time! Get ready to unleash your creativity and imagination, catapulting it onto an unsuspecting audience who will sit up and enjoy the show and hopefully be inspired to do something equally fabulous rather than pooh-pooh your actions, or childishly take the pi$$ out of you! #WhereWeLeadOthersWillFollow

Gemini
Blow your trumpet loud and proud by tapping into a talent that you haven’t used in a while. It’s time to deploy your skills, especially those which elevate you above the crowd. Don’t fret how others may respond - f*ck ‘em! This is all about you sweetie, and it’s your time to shine. 2025 is ready for you to explore and conquer. The world is your oyster and anything is possible. Keep positive and don’t allow any gloom-ridden tw*ts to infiltrate your inner circle or burst your bubble. Who gives a crap what the plebs think! Take back control of your life Gemini and how you live it! #ZeroF*cksGiven

Cancer
You think you’re a VIP but unfortunately, sweetie - reality check incoming in 3, 2, 1 - those around you bloody well don’t! Most people couldn’t give a crap about you, and - newsflash - where you rank in the grand scheme of things they worry about on a daily basis languishes at the very bottom of their couldn’t-give-a-f*ck-ometer! So going forward Cancer, perhaps the best strategy of all, is to focus on yourself: your health, wealth and happiness should be your priorities instead of worrying about other people's perception of you! It matters not a single jot, so get a grip of yourself, and stop acting like a needy numpty! #WakeUpAndSmellTheCoffee

Leo
2025 is the year you come out fighting Leo. No more sitting back taking $hit from others or wallowing in self-pity. It’s time to (wo)man the f*ck up, grow a backbone, embrace life and all of the wonderful things it has to offer, and hit the ground running! No more being a negative Nelly sweetie. From this day forth, channel your inner warrior and let positivity wash over you as you take on each and every challenge that comes your way. You are indestructible - the King/Queen of the Jungle, so assert your strength, shake that majestic mane and roar f*cking loudly! #BornToBeWild

Virgo
Party season is over and you need to do the following asap before you turn into a burnt-out, overweight, lush! Harsh words, we know, however, prevention is the best cure so heed this warning and implement the following steps immediately! 1. Step the f*ck away from alcohol and remove it from the premises! 2. Ditto regarding highly calorific snacks and treats. It’s not rocket science sweetie so (wo)man the f*ck up, knuckle down and bloody well behave yourself! If you don’t have the willpower to do this on your own, then a family/friends intervention is going to be needed pronto tonto you pussy! Or a muzzle! #InitiateSelfControl

Libra
You’re a moody bugger Libra and it’s high time you pulled yourself together. The endless f*cking pity parties are exhausting, especially for those around you who are constantly dragged down by your moaning, groaning and woe-is-me attitude! For f*cks sake, cheer up and return to the land of the happy people! It’s the place inhabited by the ones who are glass half full instead of half empty! The ones who see optimism around every corner, who embrace life and all it has to offer. Life is a gift, so don’t be an ungrateful f*cker - unwrap that gift, be grateful it was given to you and use it well! #LiveLifeToTheFull

Scorpio
Your body battery is very low and dangerously close to running out and going completely flat, so now is the time to recharge it fully sweetie. Batten down the hatches and hibernate until the time is right to rejoin civilisation when your energy and focus are at optimum levels. Don’t worry about how people will judge you. F*ck ‘em! It’s not their body and mind that needs a boost. Those who genuinely give a $hit about you will understand the process you need to go through to re-emerge the other side, re-energised and fired up, ready to take on new challenges and attack life! #ItsAllAboutYou

Sagittarius
Your mind is on money and wondering how the hell you managed to spaff all your wages on crap that was unnecessary. You know you were utterly Jedi mind f*cked, coerced and taken in by all the relentless adverts and sales folk tempting you to part with your cash on endless sales, extravagant gift giving, topped off with a ridiculous diary crammed full of pointless parties to celebrate the festive season, AND now you have buyers’ remorse! Well sweetie, you only have yourself to blame, so in future, stop being a gullible, shopaholic tw*t and try acting like a grown-up, then maybe you won’t be facing the start of the new year crying over your banking app! #TheBuckStopsWithYou
Tags: Fashion scopes, Zodiac zingers