Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Virgo

Well hello Virgo and welcome back to the land of the living. You have been MIA for far too long and your nearest and dearest have missed you. They’ve missed your zest for life along with the madness, mischief and mayhem you bring. They have respectfully allowed you to indulge in a quiet time-out to restore and recharge your batteries, but now they are chomping at the bit as they eagerly await your return, in anticipation of all the fun and naughtiness that will re-enter their lives. Just don’t undo all your bloody hard work sweetie, ending up pi$$ed up in the corner from partying too hard! #BeTheLifeAndSoulOfAFunPartyNotAPityParty

Libra

Clear some space in your life for a little ‘me time’. It’s all well and good to be helpful to others, HOWEVER, there’s a reason they tell you on a plane to ‘fit your own oxygen mask first’! YOU need to be alright! Running on empty means feeling like $hit and looking like $hit whilst living a substandard existence. It’s time to STOP being everything to everyone and devote all that energy into the most important person in your life - YOU! And to hell with what others think. If they love, care for, and respect you, then they will understand; and if they don’t - well f*ck em! #SelfCareIsNotSelfish

Scorpio

You are now officially a super-social butterfly, so spread those wings and party, party, PARTY, until you’re completely f*cking knackered! Once this cycle is finito, you will then need to wrap yourself up in a cocoon to hibernate and recuperate! Batten down the hatches and retreat into your own private world, allowing yourself to indulge in many relaxing activities that restore you to your former glory. Once this compulsory metamorphosis takes place, you will be able to hatch from your chrysalis, emerging refreshed, looking fabulous and ready to go all over again. #RaveRepairResurgeRepeat

Sagittarius

As you blast through the starting gate - remember this sweetie: Life is a marathon and not a sprint. Just because you want to tackle everything at 100 mph, with an uncompromising sense of urgency each time you throw a b!tch fit when the rest of society doesn’t jump to your command. SPOILER ALERT! You are NOT the all-knowing oracle who rules from upon high, so ‘you do you’ sweetie, and leave the others to carry on with their way of life; and even though that may pi$$ you right off, big time…suck it up buttercup, wind your neck in and mind your own f*cking business. #TakeOffTheBossyPants

Capricorn

Steer clear of all the bull$hit going on around you or you may get sucked into the vortex, ending up knee-deep in doggy doo dah, s(t)inking fast and unable to climb out! Avoid other people’s drama and keep your opinions to yourself sweetie. Hopefully, this will ensure that you safely navigate the minefield without getting blown up or torn apart! You are getting to that stage in life where you cannot be bothered with all the frivolous mindless nonsense you’re exposed to daily, longing to shut it all out. We strongly suggest you pull the plug on the Wi-Fi which will instantly eliminate most of the crap that antagonises you! #DontEngageWithThePlebs

Aquarius

Channel your inner detective to solve the case of the never-ending disappearing act of your personal grooming products that simply vanish into thin air and NOBODY seems to know where they’ve gone. Perhaps they've magically vanished in a puff of smoke, or those thieving f*cking pixies have snuck in at night and pilfered the whole flipping lot! Whatever the case - you need to turn super sleuth to solve this mystery once and for all; and when you do finally catch the guilty culprit(s) - banish them to social Siberia until they replace and repent! #No$hitSherlock

Pisces

It’s good to talk, so start communicating with the living once more. For far too long your only means of communication has been with the virtual world; it’s now high time to put your relationship with the keyboard on the back burner and have a real physical conversation with another human being! FFS Pisces, you’re making life incredibly difficult for yourself, so stop festering and hiding away like a sad tw*t sweetie, pull on your big boy/girl pants, and start socialising out in the real world once more! Seasonal festivities are around the corner, so there’s absolutely no excuse! #TimeToStopTalkingToYourself

Aries

Productivity has reached an all-time low - what you really need to do sweetie is to get up off your lazy arse and actually do something - aka anything - of use. Perhaps tackle that ever-growing to-do list which never gets started because you have morphed into a lazy tw*t that’s content to lounge on the sofa day in, day out, doing sweet FA! No work and no play makes Aries a useless dull numpty, trapped in a mind-numbingly boring existence. So put down the controller, get your head out of the telly/computer/gaming machine and get back into the real world pronto! #VirtualRealityDestroysReality

Taurus

You’re feeling rather creative, but what to do Taurus, what to do? Think carefully and don’t go all guns blazing sweetie with your usual bull at a gate stance, in your usual bullish style, bulldozing everything and everyone in your path whilst on your latest ill-thought-out and not very well-researched bull$hit quest/project/pie in the sky bollocks! Did we use enough bull puns there?! Take your time and make sure you’re absolutely sure this is the path you want to take before embarking upon ANOTHER vanity project that ends up in either emotional ruin, financial ruin or both! #ThinkBeforeYouAct

Gemini

Broaden your horizons and stop putting all your eggs into one basket sweetie. There’s a big wide world out there, full of amazing places and people, creating the most incredible and exciting things. You’ve become a fuddy duddy! A stick in the mud, boring, old, cynical fart, unwilling to try anything new or different. Well, that’s just poppycock! So be a big boy/girl, grow the f*ck up, step out of your comfort zone and expand your mind - you never know Gemini, you might like what you find. The world is your oyster and there are many adventures awaiting you, if only you were to make the slightest bit of effort. #WhatAWonderfulWorld

Cancer

Stop driving yourself crazy with this endless quest for perfection. A word to the wise: perfection is an illusion, so stop getting caught up in the bull$hit sweetie because being perfect is neither normal nor attainable; and when you get caught up with this pretentious ideology, you end up becoming a big-headed, out of control, narcissistic tw*t! And that’s to put it mildly. Here’s a novel idea - just try to be the best version of you that you can be, and strive to do your best. You won’t go far wrong, AND you won’t come across as a total f*cking moron either! #ProgressNotPerfection

Leo

You’re feeling very inspired by those around you to live a healthier life. You need to be re-educated and, once armed with proper knowledge, make some bold (overdue) choices. Your decadent social life needs a complete overhaul. INCOMING REALITY CHECK: We’re sorry to say but it’s time to cut out the crap and stop burning the candle at both ends otherwise, not only will you burn your arse off (metaphorically speaking!), but you also run the risk of ending up a blubbery mess both inside and out, becoming a dead ringer for either Wayne or Waynetta Slob! #PreventionIsBetterThanCure