Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!

I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.

Greetings and salutations my wonderful readers.

One is feeling a tad emotional as one prepares to shed light on a rather emotional subject this month - our emotions!

Most ladies will be able to empathise and sympathise with me when I reveal with some trepidation that the most emotional time is that ‘time of the month’ for some of us ladies. 

Those few days every month when a sequence of bodily functions and emotions reach fever pitch and one’s mood can go either way, swinging back and forth violently, like a giant pendulum. And if you know - you know! However…it can still be a bit of a taboo subject, somewhat like the rules of Fight Club:

"The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club." Or as one of my ‘earthier’ gal pals calls it: $hite Club! Hmmm, quite!! Tho I think she might have misunderstood what ‘time of the month’ it is that I’m actually referring to…

Nobody wishes to address this delicate situation even though we all know it’s a fact of life, which happens at least once a month. Although another gal pal rather uncharitably said she thought I was more at the Samantha Jones, of SATC legend, stage of life… 

Harumph. This gal is neither washed up nor dried up!

Anyway, I digress…

This is a time of the month when us gals experience just about EVERY emotion under the sun, covering quite a spectrum of sentiments…

Admiration
Adoration
Aesthetic appreciation
Anxiety
Arousal
Awkwardness
Boredom
Calm
Confusion
Craving
Disgust
Enchantment
Envy
Excitement
Fear
Horror
Joy
Nostalgia
Sadness
Sexual desire
Sympathy
Triumph

Now, you may be wondering what on earth could possibly cause quite so many conflicting emotions to rise to the surface, and in such a short space of time?!

It’s not rocket science my darling readers, it's just what we women do! 

EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH. 

Without fail! 

Not yet guessed it my darlings?!?

DRUMROLL….

Why, it’s that all important time of the month when we get paid!!!!! AND the run-up to that magnificent event can trigger that entirety of emotions as we plot and plan what we are going to do with all of our hard-earned money! 

You can picture the scene:

There’s just one week to go until that depleting bank account of yours is about to be replenished and your emotions are already all over the place. 

Some random emotional examples include:

• Fear:  where you hope and pray that you’ll make it until the end of the month without the bank manager or Messrs Visa and Mastercard sending veiled threats to cut you off completely.

 

• Excitement: this builds as you devour your social media feed for invites to the most weird and wonderful events - nothing gets those jittery juices going quite like the expectation and allure of the most intoxicating company, whilst devouring delicious decadent food and drinks!

 

• Horror: as you watch your bank account get plundered and pillaged with the onslaught of direct debits devouring your diminishing funds. How can one’s bank account haemorrhage money quite so quickly?! It’s all rather perplexing and depressing which in turn induces…

 

• Sadness: when you realise you don’t have quite enough funds to live out your shopping splurge fantasies as seen in the movies, aka Clueless, The Devil Wears Prada or Sex And The City…well not unless you ensnare/entrap a rich man who isn’t afraid to flex his plastic, Pretty Woman style. I mean what woman doesn’t occasionally want an obscene amount of money spent on her!? Feminism can briefly take a hike at this juncture…!

 

• Confusion: when you spot a random payment that appears in your account that you don’t at first recognise. You rack your brain, engaging the grey matter, which finally generates that Eureka moment when you finally remember where it came from, which then produces…

 

• Satisfaction: when you finally remember the brilliant idea you had to raise some much needed extra cash and it has finally come to fruition, resulting in…

 

• Triumph! Now this warrants a celebration all of its very own and you have just the answer…

 

• Sexual desire!! As your mind explores all the delicious scenarios you have planned when that not-so-little package arrives from Agent Provocateur - other online adult stores are available. And being the ultimate connoisseur in erotica and lingerie, one has pulled together this lusty list of purveyors of passion for you to peruse at your leisure and pleasure:

• Bondara
• Lelo
• Love Honey
• Ann Summers
• Smile Maker
• So Divine
• Harmony
• Satisfyer
• Womanizer
• Sinful

So, my lovely loyal darling readers, to conclude this exposé of emotions, the rules of engagement during this precarious period need to be reiterated politely but firmly to your nearest and dearest.

They need to show an understanding of the situation and what you are going through, especially as one minute you are feeling delicate, vulnerable and more than a little fragile, only to be swiftly followed by euphoria and excitement, that punches through the stratosphere before crashing smack back down to earth as Little Miss Angry enters the building to rain on your parade!

COMMON SENSE WARNING: It is best to educate them so they are better prepared in dealing with your emotional outbursts as and when they manifest.

We don’t want them shocked or spooked when you go from hero to zero and right back in a nano-second! 

As soon as they have been educated, they’ll need to proceed with caution as your mood swings could cause whiplash!

If they go off script, then it’s time to read them the riot act. 

Pull out all the stops and EVERY emotion you can muster in order to bring them to heel. 

And if they cannot or will not accept the following terms & conditions, then quite frankly, as Daddy would not so eloquently say, nay scream: “pi$$ off you pompous prat!”

Terms & Conditions

They will/must:

• be supportive.
• be understanding.
• be compassionate.
• listen, but will only offer counsel if it is requested. Otherwise, stay schtum!
• be on hand should help be requested, during the highs and the lows.

And most importantly - THEY WILL NOT JUDGE!

The jury is out on whether you should enforce this on your loved ones. So do proceed with caution as I am still reeling after being shot down in flames by Daddy who went on yet another epic rant, ablaze with his infamous ‘bloody women’ schtick. Old habits die hard eh Daddy dearest?!

Anyway, before I digress and end up going on a Daddy-induced rant myself, I will bid you farewell, and leave you to enjoy the fruits of your efforts and emotions.

*** Psssst. Team Heaven gals. A little bird tells me that a certain redhead is imminently turning naughty forty, with all sorts of scrapes and japes lined up. I have to wonder how his boorish missus will try monetising those celebrations?! Or am I being uncharacteristically cynical…