Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Libra

Your schedule is jam-packed and full of pointless crap! In a nutshell sweetie, lots of running around like a headless chicken and getting nowt done! Work smarter not harder and tackle chores and projects one step at a time. You need to be more jammy, and STOP being such a mug Libra. You are a luxury, jam-packed with juicy fruit preserve, not a bloody bargain-basement fruitless jam; so start valuing you and your time a little bit better and maybe, just maybe, you’ll have more quality time to do the things you really love, rather than feeling obligated and a slave to others who have no qualms whatsoever manipulating you in order to get you to do their bidding! #CraftyF*ckers

Scorpio

You are allowed to do and talk about whatever the hell you want Scorpio and for that matter…STOP giving zero f*cks about what everyone else thinks. When did you become such a pussy?! No matter what you do in life, there will ALWAYS be people who revel in being mean and bitchy, taking the pi$$ because they have nothing better to do and are only full of envy and negativity. F*ck em sweetie! You keep doing you and let your positivity radiate and hopefully it will rub off on the nasty little gits! #DontWorryBeHappy

Sagittarius

Weekends are for busting out the fun stuff Sagittarius, so STOP being a boring old fuddy duddy. When people invite you out, instead of your usual default setting of making up any excuse not to go, get up off your arse and try socialising with others - you might even like it and actually have a good time. Solitude is nice once in a while, just not 24/7. We all need human interaction and that does not mean arguing with the numpties on social media over whatever bollocks that happens to be trending that day! Get a life sweetie, and more importantly - get a social life! #ComeJoinTheParty

Capricorn

Hallelujah Capricorn. You are finally bonding with people who have previously been difficult, unapproachable, or a downright proper pain in the arse. Congratulations are in order for your tolerance and ability to see through their $hit and let it go over your head - metaphorically speaking of course, as NOBODY wants their barnett doused in $hit! With age comes wisdom sweetie - as you continue on the path of life you’ll appreciate your field of f*cks being barren and how it is sooo much better for your sanity and those around you! #BeTheBiggerPerson

Aquarius

Are you feeling a tad vulnerable and in need of a little, or a lot of TLC sweetie? If you’ve been neglecting yourself, and those around you are oblivious to how you are feeling, then you have two options. Option 1: Speak up and share your worries and concerns. If they are met with a genuine desire to help, well that’s all fine and dandy. If not then frankly Aqaurius, say “f*ck em”. In which case, activate Option 2: Self care, aka turning into a completely selfish barstud by making sure that you put yourself first, last and always! #BecomeSelfReliant

Pisces

Your frenemies are causing a lot of conflict and our advice would be: ignore the $hit-stirring f*ckers. Don’t give them the oxygen they so badly crave, otherwise they will cause maximum disruption and carnage to your life. People like this tend to get their kicks from being mean and spiteful, so maybe now is the time sweetie, to go banish and despatch these heartless tw*ts from your life once and for all. You don’t need that kind of nastiness or negativity in your life. Surround yourself with positive, like-minded people instead! #FindYourTribe

Aries

Channel some glamorous vibes and stop walking around like a total slob Aries. Ram those scruffy, stain-ridden lounging clothes as far back in the wardrobe as you possibly can. May we suggest Narnia?! Or better yet - the laundry basket! It’s time to embrace your inner fashionista and dress to impress. For the love of fashion, you need to peel off the leggings/tracky bottoms once in a while, and try something a little different instead of looking like an unfit gym bunny EVERY SINGLE DAY! Be brave…Be bold…There are so many fabulous and funky styles to behold. #LiveDangerously

Taurus

Play it cool Taurus, play it cool. Your over the top enthusiasm can pi$$ people off, so dial it down a notch or two and calm the f*ck down! A word of caution…Just don’t go the other way and become a whiney tw*t who comes over all needy and pathetic because that’s an even worse trait for your nearest and dearest to endure! You need to strike a happy medium and make sure you don’t veer off the beaten track and into the sidings either sweetie. Middle for diddle and be bullish as you hit that bullseye dead centre! #OverTheTopNoMore

Gemini

The time to motivate yourself Gemini is NOW! Not next week, next month or even next year, but bloody well NOW! Otherwise you’ll end up withdrawing from life completely, left to wallow in a pit of gloom and doom entirely of your own making, whilst festering away in mess and chaos from turning into a f*cking slob. Can you imagine the humiliation and shame should anyone happen upon you in this pi$$ poor state? So wise up sweetie and give yourself a stern talking to, AKA a right bollocking, in the hope that this debacle doesn’t come to fruition any time soon! #PreventionIsTheBestCure

Cancer

Stop pussy footing around, take the lead in love and go after what your heart desires. If you keep hanging around hoping to be swept off your feet Disney style, then we hate to rain on your parade Cancer, but that might never bloody happen. ‘When you wish upon a star’ isn’t an automatic magical solution to your problems sweetie. You need real life action in the romance department, not some fanciful fairytale superstition conjured up by your desperate need to love and be loved, so stop filling your head with fluffy f*cking nonsense! #GetInTheRealWorld

Leo

Your personal angel that guides you through life has f*cked off and left you to fend for yourself. Tho who could blame them. But why you might well ask? Because you’re being a grumpy tw*t Leo who is hellbent on seeing the downside to EVERY situation no matter what! That’s why! Nobody likes a negative Nelly and to be honest sweetie, with the way you’ve been acting towards your nearest and dearest lately, you’ve become as welcome as a fart in an astronaut’s spacesuit! Wise up sweetie else you’re going to end up ostracised. #BillyNoMates

Virgo

You don’t have to tackle everything alone Virgo. Stop being a f*cking martyr and ASK FOR HELP! It’s not a weakness. You’re not being flaky. AND it doesn’t mean you’re a failure if you can’t do something without needing help from someone else. Many hands make light work yada, yada, yada. The only person you’re hurting is you, you numpty! This sort of childish carry on is folly, so wise up - and for the love of humanity - retire your inner arsehole before they make a complete tit out of you! #WorkSmarterNotHarder