Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Scorpio

Pack a punch with your words and stop pussyfooting around. Be brave, be bold, but most of all, be f*cking honest!!! You have no obligation to sugar coat facts to namby pamby friends who can’t handle the truth even when they’re being slapped in the face with it! The fall out from telling big fat porky pie lies can be quite catastrophic, so in all honesty sweetie, you will save yourself a lot of grief by just telling it as it is! That said, let’s just hope that the person on the receiving end has more than a few brain cells to be able to comprehend exactly what it is they’re being told! #HonestyIsTheBestPolicy

Sagittarius

When you need help - for the love of your own sanity, try asking for it you plonker! Why suffer in silence? Is it because the nasty numpties will mock you for being a whining weakling? Well do you know what sweetie? Fuck em! You don’t need that kind of negativity or bitchiness in your life, so send them on their merry way - preferably to another planet! Hopefully this strong action will make them question their bully boy tactics and then maybe, just maybe, they might just start behaving more like decent human beings rather than miserable, mean monsters! #BanishTheBullies

Capricorn

URGENT INTERVENTION REQUIRED! Somebody needs to step in very quickly and stop you from getting carried away with the acquisition of Christmas decorations before you end up bankrupt or, worse still, banished by your nearest and dearest who think you are stark raving mad! Really sweetie, it’s ok to go OTT but do it secretly because you know what judgmental boring fuckwits your family and friends can be. What they don’t know, they can’t comment upon! Well at least not until you have the big switch on, and you run the risk of putting them and the National Grid into total meltdown! #GoBigOrGoHome

Aquarius

Have you received your award for services to humanity yet? If you haven’t Aquarius, then maybe you should inquire where the bloody hell it has got to. Quite frankly you deserve a friggin’ medal for putting up with other people’s crap - playing referee when their petty arguments get out of hand - calming down the petulant prima donnas when they throw (yet) another of their childish tantrums! To be honest, it's f*cking exhausting so some sort of recognition is in order before you spontaneously combust! Your diplomacy skills have been tested to the limit and now it’s time to reap the rewards. #BringOnTheApplause

Pisces

You have a bee in your bonnet sweetie and you need to tell it to buzz off. Stop letting it bug you, as it’s turning you into a neurotic monster. Your sting is vicious and those around you don’t want to get stung. Your nearest and dearest long for your ‘angry bee’ attacks to f*ck off and for your ‘honey bee’ persona to return. They’d much rather the sickly sweet personality to the sharp, venomous personality, which quite frankly, is pretty painful to be around! If you're to recapture their friendship, make sure your dark side swarms off sweetie and you become the bees knees once more. #BeeHappy

Aries

You used to be such a trailblazer but unfortunately Aries, you’ve become an uninspiring, washed-up hasbeen, content to host your very own self-pity parties week after week. Well that ends right NOW! It's time to have a word with yourself, (wo)man the f*ck up, reignite a fire under your arse, and blast back to the land of the living where you can resume your place as the person you once were! Someone with great ideas, creativity, imagination and enthusiasm. Someone who inspires others and leads the way. From this day forth, it’s time to be f*cking fabulous once more! #ChannelYourInnerSuperhero

Taurus

Stop acting like a spoiled brat Taurus, by throwing epic hissy fits and generally acting like a tw*t! It’s really unbecoming sweetie and very off-putting to those around you who have to put up with your crap on a daily basis. Your popularity has reached a new low, with you left being about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. Fortunately you have the ability to turn this situation around with just one little tweak. Kill off that narcissistic, attention-seeking routine before it permanently damages you and your reputation, to a point beyond redemption and bereft of people who do actually give a f*ck about you! #ItsNotAllAboutYou

Gemini

People not understanding your point of view doesn’t give you the licence to go bat$hit crazy and act like a crazed impartial news presenter who cannot believe that ‘normal folk’ have the audacity to think for themselves. It’s a slippery slope sweetie that will only end badly. You drowning in a sea of smugness is not going to endear you to your friends and family, and neither is that childish, sneering told-you-so taunt. To be honest sweetie, it’s just f*cking annoying! So recalibrate that default setting pronto before it’s too late and you remain a total tw*tspangle for the foreseeable future! #TheEgoHasLandedBadly

Cancer

You do love to nurture those around you, unfortunately some people like to take the pi$$ and boy is it oh so draining! Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile. So whilst you can still be supportive and caring, STOP mollycoddling them for f*cks sake and then maybe sweetie they won’t try sucking you dry like a bloodthirsty vampire on the rampage! There are always lessons to be learned in life and some of THE most important ones are to stop being a complete pushover and learn the subtle art of telling people NO! Remember. “No” is a complete sentence! #StandFirm

Leo

You can’t seem to shake off that wishy-washy feeling and it's dragging you down, leaving you stuck in the doldrums. Shake it off sweetie, shake it off! Take a deep breath, count to ten and then start to live again - and by that we mean go have some fun, party, engage with others, find enjoyment in the silly things and above all else, take the bloody fun police off speed dial. Stop being a miserable f*cker, turn that frown upside down and embrace optimism. And do you know what Leo? You might even like it! It’s time to roar and purr with happiness! #FindYourHappyPlaceAndTakeUpResidence

Virgo

Wake up and smell the bull$hit Virgo, it’s wafting across the bedroom as you hide under the duvet, praying that your problems will miraculously melt away. Well here’s a reality check sweetie, that it ain’t gonna happen any time soon, so wise the f*ck up sweet cheeks, and start behaving like an adult rather than a starry-eyed child who believes that somehow, their guardian angel is going to take all the bad stuff away. Next you’ll be telling us you still believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy; and it’ll be at that point, that your nearest and dearest will need to step in to stage an intervention! #FairyTaleBeliever

Libra

You’re not usually known for being a Drama Queen, however, it can be said that judging by your recent behaviour you may well have stolen the crown. And sceptre! FFS, dial down those tantrums sweetie before you cause the next world war. Family and friends are really struggling to cope with your bad behaviour and their tolerance levels are about to be breached, so maybe it's time to stop being a complete cockwomble, take off the crown and pass it along with the baton to some other bloody drama llama. There’s no bloody shortage of them, so relinquish that crown pronto whilst you still have some friends left! ! #DramaIsAChoice