Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Taurus

Historical emotional wounds look worryingly close to being reopened if you continue down this path of self-loathing and destruction. Stop being a pussy Taurus! You're letting others walk all over you, undermining your confidence to the point of turning you into a big blubbering mess, not to mention a pathetic excuse of a HUMAN BEING who can no longer function in normal society. In order to stop these atrocities from happening you need to embrace your inner bitch/barstud persona and adopt that ‘FU*K YOU’ attitude pronto! It’s time to show people that you are no longer a snivelling pushover! #GrowABackbone

Gemini

Whatever is going on in your life, it’s not your fault. You just keep on telling yourself that sweetie and watch the world blow up in front of you whilst the $hit rains down. It will be unrelenting until you take responsibility for your actions and stop acting like a cockwomble. Then, and only then, will you start to function properly as you begin to get your life back on an even keel. As soon as normal service resumes, for the love of humanity AND your sanity, don’t f*ck it up AGAIN! Consider yourself warned Gemini, and if you don’t take on board this vitally important advice, then you will have no one else to blame but yourself! #DenialDoesntConcealTruth

Cancer

Shoot for the stars and you just might possibly fall unceremoniously on your arse because that’s just the way life rolls, or so that’s what the pessimistic tw*t brigade would have you believe. NEVER listen to the doom mongers, the defeatists and the miserable gits sweetie. ALWAYS have hope and don’t let the f*ckers get you down. Forever the optimist, you must ALWAYS strive to do better, aim high and dream BIG. Don’t let them dull your sparkle because when it’s at full wattage, it’s sure to blind those lacklustre numpties into oblivion, where they belong and hopefully stay! #DontRainOnMyParade

Leo

You quite like the notion of becoming a Billy-No-Mates so you can revel in the peace and tranquillity of not having others bitch in your ear, or put up with the endless nagging, or have to tolerate the needy narcissists, constantly looking for attention, which is emotionally exhausting and drains the will to live from your very being. Some time out will do you good sweetie, which includes a detox from social media and some alone time where you can recharge and replenish the batteries before re-entering the real world once more, allowing normal service to resume. This will ensure that going forward you will be better equipped to deal with the onslaught of daily bull$hit that comes your way. #IWantToBeAlone

Virgo

Who doesn’t like a bit of jingle jangle Virgo, so grab life by the balls and give it a jolly vigorous shake. Your life has become a mundane borefest and boy do you need to inject a bit more fun and excitement into it before you get dragged deeper into the life-sucking vortex of social media where it seems to be the only contact you have with the world outside of your home, or should we rename ‘gilded prison’?! It’s time to break free and join the world of the actual living rather than engaging with the virtual numpties, full of self-importance who love the sound of their own voice, whilst pontificating from their comfy armchairs! #BewareOfTurningIntoATotalTw*t

Libra

Tasks, more tasks and even more bloody tasks are continually piling up and are in danger of burying you alive unless you do something about them NOW! You can no longer ignore your to-do list sweetie, so we suggest you pop on the gloves and get stuck in before life gets completely out of hand and your miserable existence becomes a dystopian nightmare. You need to do it quickly Libra - like ripping off a sticking plaster. Yes it can be painful and unpleasant but it’s a necessary action that needs to be done and once you get started then we guarantee, you’ll feel much better as order returns. #OrganisedLifeOrganisedMind

Scorpio

You’re feeling rather lost as you long for the creative juices to flow once more. You really miss that feeling of accomplishment from making something absolutely fabulous AND the adulation from your peers who would congratulate you on being so enthusiastic and talented. So with that in mind Scorpio, it’s time to reconnect with that imagination mothership and get the grey matter to sparkle once more until it’s bursting with ideas that you simply cannot contain. From concept to creation - get ready to unleash your ideas. Is the world ready for your greatness once more sweetie? F*CK YES! #RediscoverYourMojo

Sagittarius

You have every right to sit on your arse doing sweet FA if so inclined and NOBODY has the right to question it or comment on it. In fact we would go as far as to say that their input is not remotely required AND furthermore you couldn’t give less of a f*ck what their opinion is anyway! Thankfully, long gone are the days when you would worry about other people's opinions of you. It’s so refreshing to be happy with yourself and to live a stress free life sweetie. Embrace the new you and don’t forget to keep presenting this carefree, couldn’t care less persona to the world. Long may he/she reign! #AmIBothered

Capricorn

STOP feeling guilty about having to make up elaborate excuses in order to get out of doing things you don’t want to do or going places you don’t want to go. It’s your prerogative and if people weren’t such selfish f*ckers then you wouldn’t have to resort to such tactics. Going forward sweetie, if the me, me, me brigade continues to infringe on your precious down time, stop taking their calls or answering the door. They’ll get the message soon enough and if they’re that stupid that they can’t see the wood for the trees, then point it out to them firmly, and (un)politely if need be! #StupidIsAsStupidDoes

Aquarius

Is your mind a little fuzzy when it comes to recalling previous bad behaviour, or are you just in denial? You keep telling yourself that it’s other people's perception of your behaviour that’s bad and totally incorrect! Well keep that up sweetie and sooner rather than later, you’re going to end up pi$$ing people off with your deluded self-righteous indignation. Wake the f*ck up and smell the coffee because the stench is strong and overpowering. It’s telling you to be honest with yourself. Nobody’s perfect Aquarius, including you, so dial down the hypocrisy before it’s too late! #StopLyingToYourself

Pisces

This is your month to shine Pisces, so plaster that face with a big $hit-eating grin and dazzle everyone who crosses your path. Your enthusiasm will be infectious with others wanting to rub themselves in the pixie dust glow that envelops you, bringing you happiness and motivating you to shine even brighter. Just beware of anyone who tries to dull your sparkle - give them a wide berth as these bottom feeders will do anything to bring you down to their miserable level lurking in their own pathetic world, where they’ve turned being spiteful, bitchy and judgmental into an art form. #ShineBrightLikeADiamond

Aries

You need to let people know you’re footloose and fancy free. People aren't mind readers sweetie nor are they privileged to sensitive or confidential information. If you want to attract potential suitors then you have to put yourself out there and yes, we are more than aware that the current dating scene can be a minefield to navigate with tricky situations around every corner and all manner of cockups and catastrophies waiting to trip you up or pounce at any given moment. HOWEVER, as the old saying goes Aries, “tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”. #EverTheOptomist