Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Gemini

Stop throwing your weight around sweetie before people get annoyed, or when they’ve reached breaking point, and are lying in wait, prepared with a harpoon to take you down. Nobody likes a cockwomble at the best of times Gemini, but when you add into the mix a bolshy cockwomble, then you have the recipe for the mother of all fallouts resulting in a catastrophic confrontation. This just might possibly render you friendless once you’ve been ostracised by your nearest and dearest, because they can’t take any more of your $hit before exploding with a rage that is usually reserved for dealing with the complete and utter tw*ts of this world!! #BeMindfulOfYourBadBehaviour

Cancer

Ready, set, go! Now release all those bad thoughts into the air sweetie and watch them waft away, taking all the negative bull$hit with them as they inch ever closer into the stratosphere, NEVER to clutter up that brain of yours and bother you again. This ritual needs to be worked into your daily schedule Cancer, so before you go to bed, shut those lovely eyes and drift off to slumberland, take a moment to gather all those nasty, wayward thoughts before they fester and stick them in a shuttle, weld the door shut and launch it into another dimension - preferably where no f*cks can longer be given! #OutOfSightOutOfMind

Leo

You’re so much stronger than you think even when others don’t give you the credit for it. Well f*ck em sweetie and whilst we’re on that subject of being stronger than you realise, maybe it’s time to flex those muscles and show the naysayers just how strong you can be buy telling them to f*ck off and mind their own business. Their opinions are neither wanted nor required and for added clarification - you’re more than capable of coping with day-to-day matters or even life-changing situations for that matter! You are a lion Leo, so let’s hear you ROAR! #NeverForgetWhoYouAre

Virgo

You need to strike while the iron is hot, just don’t bloody burn yourself in the process sweetie! With all the best intentions you have, let’s not forget that you can be a clumsy so and so. So with that resounding fact uppermost in your mind, go for it Virgo, but tread carefully, thus avoiding a monumental f*ck up of epic proportions that could potentially lead to ANOTHER disaster or disasters requiring micro-management to sort out all the problems you created in your very own catastrophe canyon, sending ground-shaking tremors, causing the dominos to fall left, right and centre! #ExerciseCaution

Libra

You long to spread your wings and fly far, far away, soaring above the constant bull$hit that has enveloped your world recently. You desire a swift escape from the hustle and bustle of life in order to block out the mind-numbing crap and drivel constantly spewing out of the mouths of the numpties that surround you on a daily basis. A time-out is required, where you can indulge in some ‘me-time’ with lots and lots of rest and relaxation. Switch off the Wifi, disconnect from the world and reconnect with all the glorious and therapeutic gifts that mother nature has to offer. #IWantToBeAlone

Scorpio

You need to curb your tongue and stop blurting $hit out before that big old mouth of yours lands you in a big pile of doggy doodah. It is always prudent to engage the brain before operating the gob. Get the grey matter working before you decide to act on every teeny, tiny airy fairy thought that pops into your over-active mind sweetie. Think first - speak later and always, ALWAYS ask yourself: am I going to offend, or am I going to sound like a complete and utter tw*t? If there is even the remotest possibility that the answer is yes - then for the love of humanity - SHUT THE F*CK UP AND STAY SCHTUM! #SilenceIsGolden

Sagittarius

You have lots of amazing ideas to share and that’s wonderful, but just remember - not everyone is going to appreciate them, so don’t take it to heart sweetie if they are not adopted and fawned over. And whatever you do - don’t sulk like a spoilt child as that just shows you to be an immature, jumped up numpty, who thinks their ideas are far more superior compared to other mere mortals. Well that may well be true Sagittarius, however, nobody likes a show-off, so dial down the disappointment if it is forthcoming and celebrate your triumphs without going totally OTT or taking out ads on social media announcing your greatness to the world! #KeepItReal

Capricorn

They say opposites attract but do you really want to spend your precious time continually arguing with and debating someone else sweetie, when deep down in the pit of your belly you know you are not compatible and eventually you will have to part ways! Always go with your gut and if it’s telling you there are just too many differences and obstacles to overcome then you had better bloody listen before things go spectacularly t*ts up and you say or do something you bitterly regret or may land you in big trouble. You have a short fuse wire so be extra careful that it doesn’t get ignited! #TrustYourInstincts

Aquarius

Self-care is your number one priority this month. It’s about time you stopped neglecting yourself sweetie and put a little, NO, correction, make that a lot of quality ‘me-time’ at the very top of your daily agenda. It’s not wrong nor is it selfish to put your needs first! Just remember that you are no good to others if you’re feeling like crap with zero energy, and let’s be honest here - it’s mostly because you’ve been browbeaten by the selfish, diva demands of others, failed to look after number one to the point where, actually Aquarius, you’ve just about come to the end of your tether and have lost the f*cking will to live! #FitYourOwnOxygenMaskFirst

Pisces

Dear Pisces, pretty pretty please, with a cherry on top, will you let your hair down and start embracing the fun elements of life? because lately you’ve been a miserable git and unfortunately you’re not that good of an actor and people are beginning to notice it so don't give up the day job! All work and no play sweetie… so if you don’t want to end up as a walking example of an old proverb, cheer the f*ck up, lighten up, reboot and restart the game of life. The choice is yours. Spin the wheel or collect £200 as you pass go. Just remember to keep well away from jail and trouble. #DontLetMiseryMonopolizeYou

Aries

Your tolerance levels are bordering on non-existent, especially when it comes to f*ckwits whose sole ambition or purpose in life seems to be to antagonise you, to test your patience to the limits and to completely and utterly pi$$ you off! Give them a wide berth sweetie. It’s simply not worth your time to indulge their inconsequential drivel and all it does is cause your stress and anxiety to bubble over, and nobody wants to see that explosion happen in real time. It’s time to be firm Aries and banish all imbeciles into the vortex, thus making sure they can no longer suck the life out of you! #DontSufferFools

Taurus

What you do today will most definitely help prevent problems occuring later down the road and we all know that prevention is better than cure Taurus. Failing to plan is planning to fail, so in a nutshell sweetie, in order to avoid the mother of monumental cockups from happening, always be prepared: do things properly - not half arsed and be extremely careful with what you do and say, and even more importantly than that - HOW you do and say things, as this can have an enormous impact on other people’s reactions and actions. You don’t want to be responsible for causing WW3 when it could so easily be avoided! #MindHowYouGo