Menopausal Hotties

The hottest topic in town: Hottie’s Menopause Manual

The Emma Heaven magazine is proud to present the Hottie’s Menopause Manual..

Did you know that there are - brace yourselves - 34 reported symptoms associated with the menopausal journey?

Ohhh yes hotties you read that right! Not 3 to 4 but a goddamn 34 of the cheeky little blighters. You may want to make a cuppa or pour yourself a large glass, and sit comfortably as it’s a looooong list.

Do not fear though warrior hotties, as we are going to take them in our stride and steadily work our way through them.

Hopefully this will arm you with the knowledge, power and humour required in order to deal with the emotional and physical minefield that is the menopause.

We continue with…

29. Body Odour

Honk if you ‘ponk’!

Are your pits more pungent than normal?

Do you stink to high heaven?

Is your scent as foul as - or even fouler than - your temper!?

Has the putrid pixie waved their whiffy wand over you, casting a spell - or should that be smell - that’s giving you cause for concern? Are you recoiling as the noxious niff of ‘eau de natural moi’ which is wafting its fetid way towards an unsuspecting public?

Fear not fellow hotties, this is NOT because you’ve suddenly morphed into a smelly git who doesn’t wash or look after yourself. It’s due to hormonal changes during the peri/menopause which affect our natural scent. So this is another bizarre and unexpected change that our evolving bodies go through on this wondrous gift of a journey courtesy of Mother Nature!

This new ‘aromatic aura’ you're smelling is down to our raging hormones being all over the place. Up, down, flying around and unsteadily reducing, all the while we are trying to make sense of what can feel as if an alien body (and mind) has taken up residence!

Or, in a nutshell - our body’s personal temperature gauge (PTG) is f*cked! It’s playing up and acting like a stereotypical dodgy car salesman telling you “your body is showroom quality and in tip-top condition” when in reality all it’s fit for lately is spares and repairs or the knacker’s yard!!

With our PTG knackered, this causes us to sweat even more, and when you have oestrogen stopping the body from regulating its water levels as well as it should, this results in dehydration. All of which adds up to making our sweat extra concentrated with the potential of us walking around like that cartoon skunk, friggin Pepe Le Pew!

So how can we combat this stink ladies?

Choose your weapons wisely hotties because this is a declaration of war in the fightback against body odour!

Start with a decent deodorant/antiperspirant. This can be trial and error, but thankfully deodorant isn’t expensive, so it won’t be too costly if you don’t get it right the first time.
Bathe/shower regularly. You have free rein and have been licensed to spill! Yes spill! Spill and splosh away hotties! You can be as decadent as you want, using this time to relax, indulge and pamper yourself with the most luxurious products known to woman, because darling, you’re absolutely worth it!
Whilst you’re taking a long and luxurious bath, a cheeky glass of fizz will help tickle your fragrant fancy too. Just make sure you drink plenty of water too, aka the elixir of life - staying well-hydrated is key to staying healthy, hopefully avoiding any nasty stale, stenchy, stinks.

Who needs a batallion against body odour, when you can call upon this brigade of bonus tips?!

Bonus Number 1

The magazine is launching the EH Emporium soon, where you can shop our magnificently quirky range of scented body and homeware products guaranteed to get rid of undesirable smells. Stay tuned to our social media for the latest updates!

Bonus Number 2

The menopause drill is a mantra to help keep you in tip top condition whilst navigating this latest ‘interesting’ phase of our lives!

Bonus Number 3

A tantalising playlist to ensnare the senses whilst relaxing in a decadent bath or shaking your deliciously fragrant smelly stuff during an invigorating shower - the choice is yours!

Watermelon Sugar - Harry Styles
Strawberry Fields Forever - The Beatles
Red Red Wine - UB40
The River of Dreams - Billy Joel
Heaven Is a Place on Earth - Belinda Carlisle
I Turn To You - Melanie C
Set You Free - N-Trance
Wild World - Maxi Priest
Viva Forever - Spice Girls
Rain - Madonna
Footprints in the Sand - Leona Lewis
Show Me Heaven (Days Of Thunder Soundtrack) - Maria McKee
A Different Beat - Boyzone
(Sittin’ On) The Dock Of The Bay - Otis Redding
Feeling Good - Nina Simone
What A Wonderful World - Israel Kamakawiwo’ole