Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!

I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.

Greeting my wonderful readers. Let me start with a caveat by saying that unfortunately this month’s column isn’t going to go quite as one had envisioned...

Allow me to explain…

During a conversation with dearest Daddy regarding this month’s theme, it went something a little like this: ”Bloody Hell Dita, are you trying to land us in hot water with the powers that be? Keep that bloody pouty mouth of yours shut, and keep your bloody idle gossip to yourself. And above all else, for the love of God and the very survival of this family do NOT, I repeat NOT, mention the bloody government or the Royal Family. Do I Make myself clear Dita?” And away he stomped, with his usual under the breath utterances of “bloody women!” 

So it was at this precise point my darling readers, that Daddy had to be calmed down, placated and sedated with lashings of cognac, before being unceremoniously carted off to bed, to sleep off the mother of all hangovers, because there are some ‘bloody men’ who just can’t hold their vitriolic tongues, nor liquor!

Alas my loyal readers, one cannot divulge all the juicy gossip about a rather infamous Montecito ‘moonbump’, a Parisian car ride, nor any of those organisations that make liberal use of abbreviations - or as I like to call them, the alphabetti spaghetti agencies…All of which rather puts a spanner in one’s works wouldn’t you say? So in true Dita style, let’s have some mischievous fun by making some conspiracy theories of my very own.

Conspiracy Theory Number 1: Mummy and Daddy’s DNA were altered in a laboratory by top scientists who concocted the most desirable combination of genes in order to create the perfect female specimen ever - moi! Now how’s THAT my darling readers to start off one hell of a conspiracy theory?!

Conspiracy Theory Number 2: A few select young ladies received magical, ‘destroy after reading’ letters to attend a special school where they would go on to develop incredible skills in the dark and light arts of seduction, how to bag a millionaire, and - most importantly - how to make the world revolve around you! Very plausible, non? Tho’ I guess not all of us completed every module or semester, but I guess that’s a skill in itself to prioritise what’s important in life…

Conspiracy Theory Number 3: A certain model in the current Ferrari fleet of cars was created using one’s phenomenal body as inspiration for designing its killer curves even if there isn’t much junk in this Lady’s trunk. Quality not quantity dahhhlings! I suppose you could call one a motoring ‘muse’…One’s perfect, peachy posterior has been commended many a time by impressed suitors! You’ll hear no complaints from me and it beats being the butt of bad jokes…

Conspiracy Theory Number 4: There is an all-knowing, all-powerful, rich, super villain who solves the problems and misdemeanours of the rich and famous, keeping them in check with blackmail and threats of exposure. Would we say that’s friend or foe? Hmmm…. When you get in bed with the devil, you roll around with evil. The less said about these media mogul megalomaniacs the better. Too bad it’s too late to put the genie back in the bottle and they can’t be starved of the oxygen of publicity or notoriety…

Conspiracy Theory Number 5: A new habitat is being built in outer space to rehome the multi millionaires, billionaires and gazillionaires, getting ready to vacate this planet as soon as the $hit hits the fan! Mere mortals need not apply as the monthly direct debit required to fund such a lavish move reads more like the annual invoice for the average La La Land residents’ botox top-up regime. There used to be a time when guys used to outdo each other with fancy cars - usually to compensate for, ahem, any shortcomings in the trouser department. In my not so humble opinion, they’re all bloody welcome to each other, and can bore each other to death comparing the size of their rockets and space stations…

Don’t you think one has pretty much got the gist of nailing this tin hatting stuff and rumour-mongering my wonderful readers?

Together my darlings we can get these circulating like all the other conspiracy theories by spreading them not so discreetly online and gossiping with our gal pals and rugger bugger chums at every given opportunity, before sitting back to watch together as the rumour mill explodes, taking on a whole new level of supposition across the globe - or should that be flat earth?!

I rest my case!

However, a word of caution. If you are going to be spreading such mischief and nonsense, do take care NOT to dox or (falsely) accuse people. Recent riotous headlines are a salutary lesson, with some miscreants and misinformants now paying for their cyber crimes and mischief-making, with a not-so brief spell behind bars.

Or even worse for some of the compulsive online attention-seekers out there, getting sent to social media Siberia, which is a fate worse than Facebook jail. Gasp!!

Although if any of you would like to speculate about whether or a not a certain pint-sized actor at the closing Olympics ceremony in Paris, was using the event to hide the real reason for his trip to the capital of love and romance for an assignation with a certain Lady, then far be it from me to disabuse you of such a notion…

With such febrile creativity, perhaps one should be prepared for Hollywood execs to call one with lucrative script-consulting offers now that they have witnessed what an incredibly wild imagination one has for whipping up crazy stories with far-fetched mad plot lines.

Or are they…?!

Anyway, I digress. Until next time dahhhlings!

Dita signing out!

Toodles…

P.S. or maybe these end of column ‘afterthoughts’ should be renamed Pssssst!

#TeamHeaven gals - I did hear an absolutely ridiculous rumour which is doing the rounds that some Haz beens had been trying to flog jam and pet treats in an attempt to earn a crust to fund their shampagne lifestyle...

Next you’ll be telling me they’re fanning delusions of grandeur, by visiting another overseas country; this time, one famed for its emeralds and marching powder. What on earth is that all about? A buying trip?! No kidnapping threat tho - any potential captors would return whinge ‘n’ cringe in no time at all!

Tho it is rather to difficult to reconcile certain people’s concerns about security and then gallivanting to countries which are rather ‘notorious’. Don’t they read the Travel Advice beforehand or do they think they are immune?! I do hope they have good travel insurance…