Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Leo

Keep a close eye on your spending Leo, otherwise you might end up penniless and destitute before your wages even hit the bank at the end of the month. Extravagance is all well and good as long as you have the means to finance it. So even though you aspire to live a life full of grandeur in order to keep up appearances on social media - the stark reality is, your budget is more Lambrini than Moet & Chandon. INCOMING REALITY CHECK sweetie: Get your head out of the virtual cloud and back down to planet Earth where you need to accept reality because quite frankly, whether you like it or not - it’s tough titty, so tighten your belt NOW! #TheTruthHurts

Virgo

The last thing you need at this particular moment in time is for all eyes to be on you Virgo, so STOP drawing attention to yourself by being loud and lairy. COMMON SENSE WARNING: This may be an alien concept to you, but try keeping a low(er) profile and by sailing under the radar. To help you with this cause, STOP living your life in the full glare of social media. Try a Wi-Fi detox and start living in the real world once more! SPOILER ALERT: Guess what?! You might even like it! However, if you do find yourself unable to cut the Facebook/Instagram/X umbilical cords, then quite frankly sweetie, you’re a lost f*cking cause! #YouReapWhatYouSow

Libra

Take your time to mull things over instead of storming around like a raging bull - that’s a Taurean’s job and you're supposed to be the well-balanced one in the zodiac - by trampling over everything and everyone who has the misfortune of being in your path as you stomp along, effing and jeffing and generally behaving like a complete tw*t! Really sweetie, you need to have a word with yourself and start behaving better before your nearest and dearest stage an intervention or tell you to f*ck off in the nicest, possible way! Anger management is now a necessary daily undertaking on your to-do list and even though you see it as a tedious task - suck it up buttercup or risk being a social pariah! #TemperThoseTantrums

Scorpio

You need to dial down this incessant need for the spotlight to always be shining on you, you attention seeking tw*t! Nobody likes a needy, narcissistic, numpty, so stop with the constant validation seeking and sensationalising your life in a series of clickbaiting posts aimed at garnering like-minded sycophantic wannabes who revel in stardom, insignificant bull$hit and notoriety. Your penchant for exaggerating has now reached DefCon 4 sweetie and if you continue down this dark path, then an intervention from your nearest and dearest will be on the cards in order to confiscate anything with an internet connection and send you off to ‘social media Siberia’ for the foreseeable! #DigitalDetoxRequired

Sagittarius

Your long term goals are fading into the distance because the defeatist in you, coupled with a pi$$ poor attitude, has taken over your life, obliterating your hopes and dreams in the process. FRIENDLY ADVICE: Now, we’re not suggesting a complete personality bypass, where it’s compulsory to be singing Zippity Doo Dah whilst skipping up Main Street In Disneyland to get you back on track, however, surrounding yourself with positive people sweetie and doing fun things is a good way to start rediscovering your mojo and adopting a more positive outlook on life. #DontWorryBeHappy

Capricorn

Bravo Capricorn…Bravo!!! You have well and truly been knocked off your pedestal in spectacular fashion by your nearest and dearest for acting like a complete and utter tw*t! Oh how the mighty fall! So instead of sulking like a spoilt child, feeling sorry for yourself and licking your imaginary wounds, be thankful sweetie, as things could have been a damn sight worse - you could have pi$$ed off absolutely EVERYONE you know, leaving them feeling rather mutinous, like a band of rebellious pirates, baying for (your) blood, readying themselves to make you walk the plank! #ShiverMeTimbers

Aquarius

You long for the temperature to soar in the bedroom, alas Aquarius, it’s rather like the good ol’ British weather - totally f*cking unpredictable. One moment it’s hot - and then - just as you’re getting used to the heat, it plunges to freezing faster than Usain Bolt can run 100 metres, where you lurch from being all hot and bothered one minute, to shivering your tits/nuts off the next! The key is to wear layers so you can strip away items or add as required, then hopefully sweetie, you’ll be down to your birthday suit in no time at all, where the only heat generated is that between you and your significant other! #HotToTrot

Pisces

You long for peace and the guts to tell everyone to back off and just leave you the f*ck alone. You need rest and relaxation and the chance to recharge your batteries which have been running on low for so long now, that they are dangerously close to becoming totally flat, rendering you completely exhausted, unable to function and fit for absolutely nothing until your energy supplies are fully restored. Be careful with how you look after your batteries sweetie - they need to last a lifetime - if you keep overusing and overcharging them, the more depleted and less efficient they become over time! Revitalise your mind, body and spirit! #RelaxAndRecharge

Aries

Brighten up your life by injecting it with a little colour, sparkle and ooh la la! It’s time to drag yourself out of the drab existence you have been dwelling in and step back into the glorious sunlight sweetie. Swap those plain, dark and dreary clothes for some showstopping items, awash with a riot of colour and pattern. STOP being such a wallflower and bravely step out of your beige world, and become the sunflower that you are! Pick up a large brush, paint a bloody big rainbow wherever you go and don’t forget to dust! A generous sprinkling of glitter left in your wake never did anyone any harm either. #LifeWontSparkleUnlessYouDo

Taurus

You need to armour your brain in order to protect it from outside influencers, especially the morons and numpties who spout constant bull$hit on a daily basis. Don’t let the nonsense penetrate sweetie. Free your mind and keep it clutter free of mindless crap! Don’t get frustrated, stop sweating the small stuff, and for the love of your own sanity, STOP giving a flying f*ck about things you have absolutely NO power to change. It can drain the will to live and suck all your energy if you let it. INVALUABLE PIECE OF ADVICE: Starve it of oxygen to see it shrivel up and cease to exist. #DoOrDie

Gemini

Not feeling social? That's ok sweetie, you don’t need to feel guilty for not wanting to go out and socialise. You decide what you want to do, when you want to do it and if you want company. Don’t let others guilt you into doing things against your will just to please them. F*ck em! Indulge yourself first and then you can indulge others, if and when it suits YOU! There’s nothing wrong with a little ‘me’ time. In fact there’s nothing wrong with a lot of ‘me’ time. You do you and let others worry about themselves. Stop giving a crap and repeat after us: Self care is not selfish! #SometimesItsGoodToBeSelfish

Cancer

In life there will always be people who don’t like you and no matter how hard you try to win them over, you’re never going to succeed. You’re a bit like Marmite sweetie. There will be those who love you and those who hate you; and then there are the ones who can’t stomach the bloody sight of you! Even though this may come as a shock and it upsets you greatly, it’s tough titty and life isn’t always fair. So stop wasting precious time and energy, wo(man) the f*ck up by surrounding yourself with positive, like minded people and lavish your talent, creativity and enthusiasm onto them. #FindYourPeople