Debbie Buss - Connecting with others...
Is life passing you by?
Hello I'm Debbie Buss. I am an Intuitive Healer and Spiritual Coach. My passion is working with women, helping them to get back into their forgotten bodies.
*Warning: This column contains strong language and adult content!
Connecting with others...
As babies we are born vulnerable.
We come into this world not knowing how to survive.
We are dependent on the adults around us. If they don’t, then we won’t survive.
We all require the basic needs of:
Attention - we look to adults to feed us, to clothe us, to protect us, to provide security.
Approval of others. How we behave. Are we a good little boy or girl? We will get rewarded or punished, so we learn very early how to get the approval of others to get our basic needs met.
Affection - to feel loved, nurtured and nourished and to feel wanted.
As we grow and become adults we still look towards these basic needs of attention, approval and affection, this is where we also act on these needs and they can have a deep impact on our lives and how we treat ourselves and others and how they become the stories we tell to ourselves.
Humans deeply need the connection of others and we are all connected in some way. What you love and hate in someone is a reflection of who you are; the natural mirror in others uses events to reflect yourself back to you, or uses you to reflect to others.
What we hate in someone else is something we have suppressed, denied and pushed away from ourselves. As a Voice Dialogue therapist I work with clients to find the parts within us that are running our lives,* for more information you can contact me for a discovery session.
“The beauty of life is a living organism, it will direct you where you need to be”
To connect fully with others, you must be unconditionally present with that person. Your body language must be open and inviting, look at them and really smile into them.
Become interested in them, learn about them, it is not about manipulation. Manipulation is basically going around the situation to get your own needs met, instead of being honest and upfront. If you have no interest in that person then stop!!
Seek out common ground, likes and dislikes. If you both like tennis then talk tennis and arrange to play sometime. Pay attention to their needs, ask questions, be inquisitive, a person who does not like answering questions usually has a fear of connection.
When they tell you about themselves, don’t try and fix them or change them, you want to listen to them with your eyes, your heart, ears and mind, and allow them to feel safe with you. Sometimes people are afraid to share as they fear of being judged by others.
Be open, be an open book, connect deeply – they need to fully come into you as you to them, this is where we see vulnerability, allow it to take you where it needs to go. You are looking to connect with someone who wants all of you, not just the parts you show on the outside - the façade - as people will fall for the façade and not you.
If initiating is something that you don’t always do and wait for others to come to you, then you have to look at this. The shadow side of this is the fear of rejection, once you work with this you will then start to connect with the people you want to connect with, you will go to the places you would normally avoid.
Be honest, genuine and authentic, pay someone a genuine compliment; relate with them, merge with their energy and emotions , to connect fully you have to feel what they feel, be willing to sit with them. This can be scary for some people to be open and show their vulnerability; by holding a safe space for someone to share is precious.
Don’t judge a book by its cover. This is a familiar admonishment we hear while growing up. It reminds us that even if the ‘cover’ of something looks a certain way, the reality may be entirely different.
We never know what someone else is dealing with, by connecting to the heart of the person and allowing them the chance to be seen and heard will deepen your connection with yourself, with others, with nature and your connection to spirit.
Be thoughtful and mindful of those around you. To love is to take someone as part of you, remember the little things in life, open to a deeper connection to all.
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