June 2017

Cross Stitch Bitch

I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.

I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.

Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.

I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.

And I’ll have you in stitches...

*Now before you read any further I must stress that CSB uses bad language, adult humour and sexual references a lot. And I mean a LOT! So if you are easily offended then please do not read on... I won’t be held responsible or liable for any adverse reaction you might have!

Any advice is not to be taken TOO literally!

Dear CSB & CSNB, My boyfriend's birthday is coming up and I wanted it to be special, so I asked him, ”If he could have anything he wanted for his birthday, what would it be?” He said his dream present would be a threesome! I am really uneasy about this and what it might do to our relationship - but do I go through with it to please him even though the thought terrifies me? Please, please help me!!!!!!

Uneasy of Canterbury

Cross stitch not a bitch


Three – what? I don’t understand? The only number I am familiar with when it comes to love and relationships is two? Noah led the animals into the ark two by two not three by three. I can’t even begin to think of the complications of leading them three by three. They wouldn’t have fitted on the gang plank for a start.

My advice would be don’t ever invite anyone else into your relationship, it will only end in disaster. If your boyfriend prefers the other person naked, then you will be tossed aside like yesterday’s news.

I can’t see how any good would come from this so I would definitely say no.

P.S. your boyfriend is perverted and I would advise you to get rid of him IMMEDIATELY

Cross Stitch BitchCSB

Hmm, it’s a verrrry tricky one is this and as you would probably expect I’m all for a bit of kink in the bedroom but even I am inclined to agree with Tedious Tits up above – do not under any circumstance invite a third party into the bedroom. Unless it’s a Rampant Rabbit. Or a Cameraman.

I happen to have a cautionary tale for you on this very subject because this exact same problem arose for my friend Suzy.

Suzy had been married to her husband for five years when he made a similar request of her, which she obligingly fulfilled.

She even let her husband choose the girl, which turned out to be his ex- girlfriend.

Throughout the threesome Suzy didn’t even get so much as a look in to get anywhere near her husband’s schlong (or his ex’s muff); in fact he kept kicking her off the bed each time she attempted to get on in there.

Incensed, Suzy began plotting her revenge. She told him how much she enjoyed the experience and how she couldn’t wait to do it again. Hubby was absolutely over the moon and told her to arrange another one. Which she did. Only this time she didn’t ring his ex, she called her gay BFF instead, who she knew had always harboured a secret crush on her husband.

He turned up to the threesome with a bottle of poppers for her fella and a strap-on for her.

Now Suzy had thought that her husband would run screaming for the hills in this situation. But the only place he ran was backwards, with his bum hole out, straight onto her BFF’s cock. The heady combination of Amyl Nitrate and strap-on penis had awoken a desire for such things deep inside of him which he never even knew had existed!

Fast forward to a few years later her now ex-husband and her gay BFF are happily shacked up and running a bar together in London’s Soho.

So, Uneasy of Canterbury, I am going to go the complete opposite of Nike and say ‘Just don’t do it’.

Poor Suzy is still so distraught that she got me to stitch this card which she sends to him every year on what would have been their anniversary (now available on crossstichbitch.com for a special introductory price for my fantastically cunty readers... lick lick, plug plug).


Don’t forget, if you’ve got a problem then we’ll solve it!
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Tags: Cross Stitch Bitch