Cross Stitch Bitch
I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.
I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.
Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.
I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.
And I’ll have you in stitches...
*Now before you read any further I must stress that CSB uses bad language, adult humour and sexual references a lot. And I mean a LOT! So if you are easily offended then please do not read on... I won’t be held responsible or liable for any adverse reaction you might have!
Any advice is not to be taken TOO literally!
Dear CSB & CSNB,
I was recently telling my best friend that I was feeling lonely since splitting up with my boyfriend and she suggested I buy a rabbit for company at night in the bedroom.
I went to the local pet shop and bought this gorgeous fluffy, floppy-eared rabbit, a hutch with all the accessories and now he lives beside my bed.
When I told my friend all about Floppy she burst out laughing and told me I was absolutely clueless and that she didn't mean *that* kind of rabbit.
I really don't understand what she is talking about. I am clueless? Please help.
Lonely & Single, Swansea
Awwww – HOW CUTE!! I love little bunny rabbits. They’re so cute with their little fluffy pom pom tails and their twitchy little noses. I’ve never thought of moving one into my bedroom to be honest but I bet it’s lovely. I would even go a step further and move the little bunny into my bed! Cuddles all night long from a big ball of fur.
Michael Jackson once said “The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone. It's very charming. It's very sweet. It's what the whole world should do.” And I whole-heartedly agree with him. In fact I’m off down the pet shop to buy my very own Floppy right now!
OK, ok, ok, ok, before my head explodes let me stop you right there!
First of all Michael Jackson was talking about sharing his bed with LITTLE BOYS and I don’t think the rest of the world found that revelation ‘charming’ or ‘sweet’ so that is a terrible example!
Second of all, how stupid can you be? I expect it off Vera Virgin up there but I didn’t realise there were more plonkers like her in the world!
So, let me enlighten you. When your well-meaning friend told you to buy a rabbit she didn’t mean the type that munches on carrots, exclaiming ‘what’s up Doc?’ and leaving little currant shits all over the house. She meant a V-I-B-R-A-T-O-R.
Now ordinarily I would assume that we would all know what one of these is, but given who I’m dealing with here I guess I’d better spell it out for you for fear of some moron taking a pneumatic drill to their clit.
A vibrator is a sex toy. Sex toys come in all manner of different shapes and sizes, big, small, fast, slow, battery operated and even mains operated (for the braver amongst us).
The list really is endless but I think the most popular of all - above and beyond any other sex toy - is the fantastical “Rampant Rabbit”. It is a huge pink dildo (it comes in platinum too) and attached to the side is a little pink rabbit with little oscillating ears. You can change the speed of its ears and I can highly recommend the fastest setting available.
FYI you will find the Rampant Rabbit in Ann Summers and NOT in Pets At Home. One drawback I must alert you too though is that they aren’t very durable. I have gone through eight of them and I swear it was not due to overuse, I just find that they aren’t really equipped to take an absolute battering.
With this in mind though, I would still strongly urge you to get yourself acquainted with one pretty damn quick. They really do make a boyfriend redundant so the sooner you discover the stimulating powers of those little bunny ears tickling your nether regions the better. Plus you don’t have to deal with the stress of picking up skid-marked underpants off the floor and constantly putting the toilet seat back down.
Down with men. Up with sex toys (literally). Long live the Rabbit!
Don’t forget, if you’ve got a problem then we’ll solve it!
Tags: Cross Stitch Bitch