October 2016

Cross Stitch Bitch

I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.

I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.

Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.

I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.

And I’ll have you in stitches...

Cross Stitch Bitch

*Now before you read any further I must stress that CSB uses bad language, adult humour and sexual references a lot. And I mean a LOT! So if you are easily offended then please do not read on... I won’t be held responsible or liable for any adverse reaction you might have!


So it’s finally October and fast approaching is Halloween. I bloody love Halloween. Actually I love this time of year - pumpkins everywhere, big woolly jumpers, 300 denier tights thus ensuring I don’t need to shave my legs until next year; and then, when I finally do, I’ll need a weed whacker to tackle the overgrowth (we won’t even go into what is required to tackle the bush – hacksaw anyone??). Which brings me nicely onto the juicy subject of hair removal.

Humans did not evolve from apes such as gorillas and chimps as is the common misconception. Instead, humans and apes share a common ancestor that lived millions of years ago and as we have evolved over hundreds of years (some of us more than others – yes Donald Trump I’m talking to you, you fucking primate) we have not evolved enough to stop growing hair in the most inconvenient of places.

I’m sure there is a reason we have hair in these places and if I wasn’t rushing to meet the deadline of getting this column in I’d Google it but I don’t, so you can correct me if I’m wrong – but do so in your head as I don’t really care enough about the subject to be very well informed on it.

Whether you shave it, wax it, laser it, epilate it, thread it or pluck it, each method comes with its pitfalls – ultimately because it’s meant to be there and not meant to be traumatically yanked out from the follicle. Now, I’ve spoken to lots of people on this subject and they all have various scare stories about hair removal ranging from minor shaving rashes to horrific chemical burns (that one was from the foul smelling Veet – what appears to be a carpet burn on your chuff is never a good look, although carpet burn on your knees is the sign of a very good night indeed).

My favourite horror story though comes from a lady who prefers to remain nameless. Let’s call her ‘Minnie’. On bagging herself a weekend away with a chap she had just recently started dating she had decided that they would finally consummate their relationship (that means ‘to fuck’ for the thicker readers out there) and with this in mind she booked herself in for a Hollywood Wax which is to wax everything off completely, leaving the beaver as smooth and as a peachy as, well... a peach.

Unfortunately, things did not got to plan for poor old Minnie. And as she endured getting her pubes ripped out of her body with hot wax it quickly became apparent that her skin had not reacted well to the experience, and that the swelling the beautician had assured her was “totally normal” and would go down in “1-2 hours - tops” got worse and worse until each flap had swollen to the size of a grapefruit.

She couldn’t walk for three days afterwards let alone bang. And so, after lying on her back, legs akimbo with some strategically placed ice cubes, she had to go to the emergency room, who advised her to cancel the weekend away. She never heard from Mr ‘Could have been Mr Right but I’ll never know because I had a faulty minge’ again.

So let that be a warning to you – hair removal actually ruins lives.
Bring back the bush I say. If only to bring back crabs which have apparently become extinct because people no longer have pubes. And that is a true story – I didn’t even have to Google it.

Here are my stitches of the month which have nothing to do with pubes but everything to do with Halloween and I'll see you next month you hairy backed bastards! x


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