November 2016

Cross Stitch Bitch

I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.

I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.

Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.

I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.

And I’ll have you in stitches...

*Now before you read any further I must stress that CSB uses bad language, adult humour and sexual references a lot. And I mean a LOT! So if you are easily offended then please do not read on... I won’t be held responsible or liable for any adverse reaction you might have!

A member of Team Heaven - who shall remain nameless - wanted advice on how they should react when they fanny fart in front of their partner.

Cross stitch not a bitch

Well this has never happened to me personally and I didn’t even know what a ‘fanny fart’ was so I Googled it. I don’t advise you do the same. Horrific mother!

Apparently it is vaginal flatulence – which is an emission of air from the vagina with (thankfully) no specific odour associated with it.

If this did happen to me I would be totally mortified – so all I can advise you to do is invest in some talcum powder, liberally apply it to your nether regions, then if the worst does happen you’ll just be treated to beautiful fragrant fluffy clouds emanating from beneath the sheets.

As you know I’m very fond of some harp music and I would also play that loudly to muffle any noise.

I’ll be praying for you, and remember Jesus loves you.

Cross Stitch Bitch

PRAY for a muff puffer?! For the love of God shut up you silly simpering sap.

Fanny farts are a glorious fact of life, and when a gal is being pounded to within an inch of her life all that air going up her chuff can only mean one thing – a huge trip to TRUMPton.

If you’re lucky enough to have a chap in your life who’s giving it to you so hard and fast that he makes your c**t grunt then that’s nothing to be embarrassed about – it’s totally natural!

It’s when the farts start coming out of the other exit (or it could be your entrance depending on your preferences – ‘up the bum no harm done’ and all that jazz), that you need to start to worry.

We’ve all heard the story about the girl who fluffed then followed through all over her fella’s head.

The only way to quieten the queef is to avoid lots of deep and fast penetration – and why would anyone want to do that?? So, dear reader this is my advice, if it happens to you – embrace it, have a good laugh about it, chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on.

I love it when it happens – it’s like I have the Philharmonic Orchestra playing a trombone solo in my bedroom just for me.

And would you look at that for a coincidence – I just so happen to have a stitch on this very subject!!

Stitch photo

Hope you’ve enjoyed our first problem page – I loved it – not least because I was finally allowed to say c**t – which is amazing because I was running out of words to use that rhymed with it.

See you next month queefers!! And if you’re brave or stupid enough to want your problems answered by the fabulous me and my twatty alter ego CSNB, then send them to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

CSB signature

Tags: Cross Stitch Bitch