May 2016

Cross Stitch Bitch

I will let her explain who she is and what she’s all about. HOWEVER - I must stress that she uses ‘fruity language’ and ‘sexual references’ A LOT!

So, if this is not ‘your thing’ and you are easily offended, then please DO NOT READ ON!

You have been warned - so proceed at your own risk!


Cross stitch not a bitch

The Secret Diary of the Cross Stitch Bitch Aged*

*Mind your own fucking business!!!

Hello my beautiful little buttercups!

I hope today is treating you well. And if no-one has told you you’re beautiful yet today... you are beautiful!

And if no-one has told you that you are loved today... you are loved!

And if no-one has told you that you are worthy... you are worthy!!

Understandably, by now you’ve probably noted that my picture is different and, coupled with the unusually pleasant greeting that you get from this column you’re thinking “ok, who is this angelic-faced darling and what has she done with the real CSB?”

So in answer to your question, I am Cross Stitch Not A Bitch (CSNAB) - like the red-hued harlot with a potty mouth, I stitch... but I am NOT a bitch (as my name would suggest).

I stitch cute little bouncing babies and springtime flowers just about to bloom and love hearts and puppies and kittens oh my! I’m purer than the driven snow and nothing is too fluffy or cutesy or loveydoveywovey for me to stitch.

I DO NOT stitch profanity and there is strictly no stitching of genitalia - male/female or anything transitioning between!

You can find me and my works – made only with the purest of love right here:

Cross Stitch Bitch

Zzzzzzzzzzzz – fuck me, anyone else bored yet?? I feel like I’ve just ingested the human version of Diazepam – I can only apologise for the time you have wasted reading that drivel before you got to the main event... ME!

Trouble is, even though she bores the tits off me, I’ve had to rope her in to do the type of work that people keep on asking me for – which I usually refuse because a) it makes me want to spew all over it and b) I like to laugh at my finished pieces. Items devoid of swearing or willies just make me feel worthless and dirty, like I’ve sold my soul to the devil for a quick fuck... I mean buck!

To give you a better feel of who we are and what we’re all about here’s a little Q&A that we did just for you, my loyal readers. Yeah yeah, I know, I’m too good to you.



Cross Stitch Not a Bitch

Cross stitch not a bitch

Cross Stitch Bitch

Cross Stitch Bitch

What is your marital status?


Single and promiscuous

What is your favourite word?


Emma doesn’t allow me to say on here but it rhymes with ‘punt’

What is your favourite type of shower?



What is your favourite food?

Angel Cake


What is your favourite music?

Pan Pipes

Thrash Metal

Favourite drink?

Chamomile tea


Favourite movie?

The Notebook

Porky’s Revenge

Favourite book?


The Joy of Sex

Celebrity crush?


Peter Sutcliffe

So there you go. I hope you enjoyed the guest speaker in this month’s column. I can’t stand the twat though and she won’t be appearing again so if you’d like to see more of her then you’ll have to follow her on Instagram or Facebook I’m afraid.

Roger that. Over and out.

Until next time shit heads!

Lots of love CSB

(& CSNAB) xxxxx

Tags: Cross Stitch Bitch