July 2016

Cross Stitch Bitch

I will let her explain who she is and what she’s all about. HOWEVER - I must stress that she uses ‘fruity language’ and ‘sexual references’ A LOT!

So, if this is not ‘your thing’ and you are easily offended, then please DO NOT READ ON!

You have been warned - so proceed at your own risk!


Cross Stitch Bitch

The Secret Diary of the Cross Stitch Bitch Aged*

*Mind your own fucking business!!!


So, today children we shall be discussing spelling, or more accurately spelling mistakes, and grammar, or more accurately grammatical errors. Now, some of the more intelligent amongst you may have noticed that in last month’s column I published my ‘Stitch Of The Month’ which was “Tounge punch my fart box” (a phrase which still fills me with a mixture of revulsion and glee). I’m pretty particular about spelling and grammar, in fact I am so particular about it that in the past I have dumped potential suitors for the incorrect use of “they’re” and “their”. I’m not proud of myself for being so shallow, it’s just that bad spellers really grip my shit.

Anyway back to “tounge punching fart boxes”. I was asked to stitch this and even though I was familiar with the phrase I was unsure if ‘tongue punch’ was one word or two so I had to consult the dictionary. Unsurprisingly I couldn't find it in the Oxford Dictionary or even in the Collins Dictionary, it was, however, in the Urban Dictionary.

For those of you not familiar with the Urban Dictionary I suggest you familiarise yourself with it post haste. It’s a revelation! Plus it’s worth a visit just to find out what a ‘Rusty Trombone’ is (and once you’ve done that I can assure you that, yes, once I’ve figured out how to stitch a trombone I will be stitching it).

So, the Urban Dictionary stated that ‘tounge punch’ was two words but interestingly tongue was spelt ‘tounge’. I don’t know why and I can’t explain it, all I know is that so I look like I’m down with the kids I had to stitch it that way. You have no idea how much this fucked with my spelling ‘chi’ and in my head it was as embarrassing as the time I addressed a letter to a council official at ‘Cunty Hall’ instead of ‘County Hall’ – although if the cap fits I suppose...

So there you have it – I hope I’ve redeemed myself in the eyes of the Spelling Nazis amongst us, but if I haven’t and you still think I’m illiterate, well your entitled to you’re opinions. And your all pricks! [At this point, our beloved proofreader will have to go for a lie down in a darkened room...]

Stitch of the month

Stitch of the month 1Ok so we’re well into July now - how the FUCK did that happen? I’m still picking Christmas pudding out of my teeth - and it’s the end of term, which means end of term presents for teachers. What a pain in the ass that must be for parents – especially parents of more than one kid. Gross. And imagine being a teacher - twenty odd bottles of shit wine at the end of every term. Awful. Well never fear because it just so happens that, I, CSB can save you from the scorn of the 'Mother Mafia' in the school yard. I have THE perfect original gift idea (well, I don’t exactly but that boring runt Cross Stitch Not A Bitch does). Personalised teacher stitches for the classroom! Deeeeelightful and this is how one looks...

Now I'm sure we all agree that's pretty amazing yeah?




Stitch of the month 2

But how about this one instead!?

Now we're talking!! This is the one I prefer (unsurprisingly) and if anyone has the guts to order this for their child’s teacher I will ACTUALLY do it for free!

Hope you've found yourself in ‘stitches’ once again and God willing, I'll see you in August you twats! xxx

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